Thursday, September 25

That Demon Called Food

If you've been following my blog a while, or have read back through old posts, you'll know I have issues with food, or rather, it has issues with me.  Food talks to me, or rather, it shouts... it calls my name and then that's when it seems to take over my brain. It removes any iota of common sense or rationalisation, restriction and current awareness. In other words, I binge. I am not conscious that I'm doing it, it just happens. Then when I've eaten everything in the packet and the food is gone, so is the mind block and I then become aware of what has been eaten and in what quantaties. 

I am sometimes aware, and I actually decide to eat most of the packet of whatever, because I choose to. I also sometimes guilt eat. ie, I've eaten 5 out of the orange clubs out of the pack, there's no point leaving the last one in the pack even though I feel sick because a) it would be lonely. b) hubs would notice there's one left and know that I'd eaten the other 5 so I may as well just get rid of the evidence.

It's horrible to be ruled by food. I can't stop thinking about it.. all the time.  Since the age of 16 I have spent most of my life on some sort of diet or ignoring the fact that I was putting weight on again. I am now the biggest I have ever been. I'm 46 and very overweight. I don't mean I'm quite tall and have about three stone to lose.. I have a lot to lose. So much to lose that I can't even think of that many stones without wanting to curl up into a ball and die for letting myself get to this point. But at this point I am, and only I can change that. So that's what I'm doing. But this time it's different and to be perfectly honest, it's a bit weird.

As I said, over the years I've done every diet going. weight watchers, slimming world, the cabbage diet, the soup diet, the egg diet, slim fast etc etc.. the only one I was ever successful at was Slimming World. The problem I have with going to a slimming club is that I hate all the rigmarole that goes along with it. The getting weighed, waiting for everyone else to get weighed. We all talk about how good/bad we've been. Her three seats up says 'I've no idea how I've lost 6 pounds this week. I've eaten pizza every day and got pissed as a fart on Friday and Saturday night'. We all want to kill that woman, especially those of us who have stuck to the plan rigidly and haven't lost, or lost half a pound. Don't get me wrong, it helped me at the time, but the way I feel at the moment is that I have to lose weight in such a manner that I don't demonise food (that's Lisa for that term :) ) If I start to outlaw food, I can't stop thinking about it. All the foods I've never liked or eaten before, seem to look appetising for no apparent reason. When I'm shopping, all I can see is the food I can't have. If we go out, I see what I can't eat.  So this time, I have to change my eating habits myself, not in a controlled 'here's your book and stick to the plan' diet. I need to change my diet rather than go on one (haha see what I did there? lol)

So.. I got weighed this morning and I have lost 4 pounds in 10 days. I'm really pleased because I'm NOT on a diet. I am eating healthily. I am making the right choices when it comes to food. Nothing is banned from my eating healthily, but I do have to make the right choices. Choose to have a smaller portion rather than fill my plate/dish/bowl to the brim. I can have pavlova if I like, but choose to have a smaller piece. I don't need to eat a third of it in one go after I've drowned it in cream. It's not necessary to do that. That's just being greedy. And that's what I have been all my life. Greedy. I eat to excess, but so did my family. We were brought up that way. Eat it all up. There's some pudding when you're done.  It's not worth leaving one portion in the trifle dish, does anyone want to finish it? I've spent a lifetime of finishing the trifle lol. 

I am currently choosing to eat either porridge or sultana bran for breakfast. some sort of sandwich (ham, salad etc) and some low end of the calorie scale crisps (wotsits or quavers) and then generally some meat and loads of veg for dinner with gravy. I might or might not have a muller lite banana custard yogurt after, but I might not. I've not been snacking, but that's probably due to novelty of determination to lose weight, but in all honesty, I've not needed to.

My brain is struggling with this a bit. It's confused. Afterall, how can you lose weight if you're not on a diet? The other thing I'm struggling with a bit is if it's 12 o'clock and I'm hungry, I tried to postpone eating until later. Why do I do that? Well, it doesn't seem long since I had breakfast, why would I need to eat again so soon? But I obviously do. That's the way my body works obviously. So I've eaten lunch at just after 12 o'clock and then I've not been hungry again until dinner time when I'm hungry and ready for my dinner, but not so hungry that I'm in a bad mood or bad tempered. 

It is also helping that I've been crocheting. For 30 years I've been promising to crochet myself a blanket. I've made a start on one over the years and pulled it back.. started, pulled it back.. and so on. Well, I finally finished it yesterday!!! yes, a whole large blanket, big enough for me to snuggle under on the sofa on a dreary Sunday afternoon in winter watching a crappy film. I'm so pleased with it, except for one thing. My daughter and the kitten moved into my new blankey within two minutes of me casting it off :( 


TTFN xxxx

Tuesday, September 23

How Long??

Really? Two and a half years since I last wrote a blog post? OMG! I feel the need to start anew. I'm finally about to sort myself out. By that, I mean my weight (I know I keep saying it, but really this time.) My head is in quite a good place. I don't hate myself anymore, in fact, I'm actually quite a nice person lol. My marriage is still good (after 15 years together) but by god he's taken some training lol. Generally life is good, so it really is time I focused on myself and did good for me, instead of doing for everyone else.

I have my little kitty... he's such a headcase and I hadn't realised just how much I'd missed having a cat around. I'm just not a dog person. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, but I'm not a dog owner. I think I'm going to become a mad cat lady. I pick up my kitty and lay him in the crook of my arm and talk to him while I stroke his fluffy tummy and he looks right into my eyes like he understands everything I say to him. He's probably plotting his next evil adventure to be honest, but I like to think he loves me, even though I know I am his slave and at his beck and call... but we're good with that.

awwww look......

Isn't he just so cute.... 

I'm feeling pretty good about life at the moment. I've been seeing a new doctor and she's brilliant. I've seen her three times in two weeks to get rid of the backlog of aches and pains lol She's helping me with my weight problems, she's given me a diagnosis for my back (sprained muscles), she's given me a diagnosis for this 9 month old cough,  Laryingial something or other.. but she's given me treatment for it and this morning at my latest visit about my shoulder she's diagnosed Rotator Cuff Impingement Syndrome... basically it means my shoulder/arm won't move properly, it gets stuck in certain positions. So I need it x-raying to see what damage there is and the treatment necessary, and also physio on it. Not sure how the physio is going to work when my arm won't move in certain positions, but hey ho... I'll give it a go... haha, it rhymes lol. sorry.. 

Anyway, I intend to keep the blog up to date from now on, so if anyone has stumbled across it and had a read, you're welcome to come back another time. 

I'm off to crochet some more of my blanket. This is the blanket I've been promising to crochet for myself for round about 30 years and never got around to. Well.. it's nearly finished lol

TTFN xx

Saturday, January 7

..and on to 2012

Happy New Year! It crept in quietly in our house, but that's ok. The fireworks in London on the TV were stunning.

Of course, everyone takes time at the new year to take stock of them, life and everything in it, including me.

Where I'm at these days:  During the run up to Christmas, I thought I was loosing the plot. Stress wears me down and I was angry with myself on Christmas Day when I ended up having a minor meltdown at the end of the day and couldn't stop crying. A disagreement with hubby set me off and I just couldn't come back from it.. but after visiting family after Christmas and getting to see my lovely elder daughter I felt much better when I got home again.

So this year I will: continue to be a non smoker. I smoked my last cigarette at 8.30am on the 16th of September last year and haven't had another one since. I'm now at the point where I consider myself to be a non smoker. Now after smoking for around 25 years or so, that is something I never thought I'd consider myself to be.. but there you go.

So now that's done and out of the way, I can tackle my food dependency and weight issues. I have been on every diet going since the age of 16. I am now 43!!! I have lost a lot of weight, but gained more than I've lost. It's ridiculous. So I am never going to put myself on a diet ever again... NEVER. I am eating what I want to eat, when I want it (yes including chocolate or biscuits) I'm just making sure I'm eating consciously rather than unconsciously. Do I really need to make 4 slices of toast 'just in case' I need more. I will make 2 slices and really, it IS sufficient. So I'm tackling it all psychologically and dealing with it lifetime longterm rather than 'going on another diet'. The word diet should have 'fail' in brackets next to it.. The psychological help is working already. I'm not constantly thinking what can I eat next.. I am in control of the food rather than it being in control of me... brainwashing? maybe.. but if it works, it works.

Also this year I'm going to become (A VERY YOUNG!) Grandma. My eldest daughter is 26 and is having a baby.. yayyyyyyy!!! I actually never thought I'd see the day. She was always so anti-having-kids. But she's settled with her soon to be hubby and their new baby will arrive towards the end of August. I'm really not sure how either of them will cope. Neither of them has changed a nappy in their lives, let alone fed or dressed a baby.. but I'm sure they'll do just fine (slightly anxious look lol)

So that's the way life is at the moment. I'm quite contented and happy with my lot. My fibromyalgic body gives me grief daily, but I'm trying to cope the best I can when the pain isn't too bad. My Teaching Assistant course is going fine... which reminds me, I really should get back to my coursework!!

TTFN

Wednesday, November 16

I've found a new thing to do..

It is officially 2 whole months today (as in the 16th September to 16th November) since I became a non smoker!! I've kicked my 20(+) a day habit, cold turkey, no replacements to have to give up... nothing.... I am a non smoker.

I've also discovered my latest hobby, and I can't stop doing it.. all the time. I was taught as a child to crochet, but only a blanket shell stitch. I decided with the aid of modern technology it was time to teach myself how to make more than blankets.So I went on youtube and searched crochet stitches, watched a couple of videos on how to crochet and off I went. And now I can't stop crocheting! I started with little cutsey easy to make animals and have moved on from there. I am now getting quite good.. in my opinion. I'm thinking of getting a bit of stock together and putting it on etsy to sell... I dunno. My stuff has to be really good before I can sell it, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. Hubby asked " how many hats does one house need??" lol

So, a few pictures... although I am one missing that matches the pink hat .. a pair of pink wrist warmers/fingerless gloves. I need to photograph them. Click on any of the pics to see it full size :)




The little pink and white mouse, the pink bunny and the cupcake crochet hook holder are my faves. Then I moved onto hats (and a headband)




The last hat is actually an adults hat, my daughter modelled it for me... my head's going to be warm this winter. I think the brown and cream child's hat is my fave so far. Isabelle loves her three strand headband which fastens in a bow (one strand) at the back.

Now.... what can I crochet next?

Friday, July 29

Dear so and so.....

Dear Cold,

please do one. 6 days is more than anyone can take for a cold and I'm normally such a patient person. The thick coating of gunk inside my head is really pissing me off now. Oh and I note your 'lets add laryngitis for fun' trick arrived last night, much to the amusement of my family who continually say 'what' every time I speak. Give me a break please

Yours, Not happy being the butt of all jokes, Annie


Dear washer/dryer.

I wish I'd never bought you. You are nothing but a bloody pain in the arse! It is really un-necessary to break down every 6 months! Thank god I had the foresight to get you insured for breakdowns. I hope you are happy with yourself for refusing to drain out and let me open the door to take the full load of sopping wet clothes out, enabling you to hang on to them in your greedy belly causing them to rot.

yours, I hate you at the best of times, Annie


Dear Hotpoint

a week and a day to get an engineer out to fix my washer/dryer is like an eternity, especially when my hubby had a shouting fit at me this morning because 2 out of 3 pairs of his work trousers are stuck inside the washer and his 3rd pair are at work when he has to go to a meeting somewhere else. Can't you get more engineers on the job?

Yours, frustratingly, Annie


Dear Hubby

It's really not necessary to throw a wobbly because you have to be at a meeting at 8am somewhere other than your office, and due to the washer hijacking 2 pairs of your work trousers and you leaving your other pair of work trousers at work when you got changed to cycle home, you have no trousers to wear. Yelling at me because you are going to have to phone work and tell them you can't go to the meeting because you have no trousers really isn't my fault. I did tell you on Monday that the washer was holding your trousers to ransom.

Yours, I can't take the blame for everything,  Your wifey.


Dear Asda

Thank you thank you thank you for being open 24 hours so that when I suggested hubby go and buy a new pair of trousers so that he could attend his meeting this morning, he was able to do so.

Yours, gratefully, Annie


Dear Hubby (again)

Hmmm, have you forgotten I can check the bank account online to see exactly how much you've taken out? Do you really think you're paying THAT much for a pair of trousers?

Yours, I'll be emptying your wallet later, wifey.
 
Dear delivery man
thank you for delivering my new car battery. I will now be able to start my car again for the first time since Tuesday. You have given me my freedom back again.

Yours, very gratefully, Annie


Wednesday, June 29

How about some... awwwwwww?

A friend of mine has been on hatch-watch. The swans were sitting on eggs on a local pond. My friend phoned last night and told me that he'd seen the cygnets swimming on the pond. So off I trotted this morning, camera in hand, and here are the results, with an added bonus of some newly hatched ducklings.

Tuesday, June 28

Changes, ups and downs

It's been a manic couple of months. A lot of the time I feel like I've been chasing my tail. 

I have started my QCF in Teaching and Learning Support Lv2. (They changed the NVQ system to QCF). So far so good. I had my first tutor assessment a couple of weeks ago and it went very well (according to my tutor and her written observations) which was a huge relief. My next one is on the 6th of July and I'm nowhere near as nervous as I was for the last one. I've also had a few hours of paid work (yay!) doing one to one supervision with a child in class. This is on top of my mid-day supervisor role. The teacher was very very happy with the way I worked and was later very surprised that she'd been in to tell the head teacher how amazing I was... (her words not mine lol). So all this was boosting my confidence and my hopes of getting one of the five teaching assistant jobs that are new posts for September. Successful applicants would be notified on the 24th of June. The day came and went... nothing :( Despite everything, I didn't even get an interview. Gutted!! And so I sulked all Friday night.

It wasn't worth getting upset about to be honest, but I was annoyed after doing numerous hours at the school, helping out and doing voluntary hours that I hadn't even got an interview. 

But four days on, it seems that it might have been a blessing in disguise. I have been approached today by the lady in charge of special needs children and she has asked me if I would conisder one to one supervision for children with learning disabilities, behavioural problems or ADHD.  When I was making the decision to go back into childcare in schools, special needs was actually the area I wanted to be in, but needed the TLS qualification first. Now it's changed, it's not necessary to complete it first as long as I am doing the course and my observational assessments are within the school. So of course, I said yes... without trying to appear to be biting her hand of in my excitement. So now, she has me on her list of one to one supervisors and she has a meeting next week when she will discuss with her managers which children will need one to one care when we start the new school year in September, and then she'll be looking to place me with one of the kids. 

So it seems like every cloud has a silver lining afterall.