Thursday, February 12

Tough time

So I'm having a bit of a tough time with myself at the moment and I just can't shake it off. Down in the dumps?

So I'm going to get it off my chest here. Please feel free to ignore me, I'll be fine again soon.

Firstly, the fibromyalgia is giving me a bit of a hard time at the moment and that always makes me feel like crap. Add to that the constant tired and wanting to go to sleep, and it gets a bit much.

I don't feel like I'm a person at the moment. I seem to have forgotten who I am. I feel like my purpose in life is to be someone's mother or wife. I am here to make everyone else's life easier, and in doing this, it's making my life a bit miserable to be honest. Where is ME the person? I may be amplifying things so that they seem worse than they are, but I just seem to be expected to 'do' everything and get on with it. I do all the housework and I mean ALL of it. Mark can be very chauvenistic when it comes to things like that. He says he goes to work and I do the house. I don't want to do the house! If I don't do a task, it doesn't get done. I seem to spend my life running around 'doing things' in the house. I do all the shopping, finances, deal with Isabelle, cleaning, cooking... etc etc. You get the idea. The worst of it for me, is clearing up after mark. He runs around doing his thing, and then leaves whatever it was he was doing, lying around. If I complain about it, he says if it's bothering me then I should clear it up!! We have had so many arguments about this. His answer is always, I don't have time because I'm either at work, going to bed, or going to work. That's BULL. It's common courtesy to clear up after yourself, and I'm talking about paint and bike bits and tools in the house!

No one else EVER does the dishes or clears the table. They eat and leave their dishes where they are, or dump them in the kitchen, food still on the plate. Towels are always on the floor in the bathroom and dirty clothes are on top of the towels. There's a laundry basket in my tiny 6ft by 6ft bathroom but no one ever uses it. It might sound stupid and petty, but it's these constant little things that I spend my entire day tidying up that really annoy me. How come I seem to get to shop, cook dinner, then clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, put them away, then take Isabelle to bed, then come down and clear the living room up while Mark lays on the sofa watching TV and Russ is in his room? If I ask for some help, I get told, I'm tired, I've been to work all day! Oh right, so I've been sat on my arse all day doing nothing?

It just doesn't help talking to Mark about it. He has an answer for everything and then I feel belittled and small for asking for some help. I can't keep doing it all by myself, it's draining me :(