Wednesday, December 10

Have a giggle

Well it was weigh in yesterday and I was really pigged off that I only lost 1lb. I know, I know, it's a whole pound but I was only two pounds away from losing 2 stone (28lbs) in 10 weeks. It's also 10% loss of my BMI, I go down into the next stones and it meets my first personal target of 2 stone before January. [sigh] ah well, next week for all the targets I guess. The annoying thing about it is I've been 100% on the plan all week. There does seem to be a pattern emerging though, I have two good losses then two smaller ones, then back to two good losses again. If that's the case, I can live with it I suppose, even though I want to lose a stone each week. I know that's not pysically possible LOL, but it doesn't stop my wanting it.

Anyway, I got wandering around a diet joke site this morning for some peculiar reason and there were some funny jokes, so I thought I'd share them.

Toddler Miracle Diet!

Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!


Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor...


Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Dog Food (any flavour). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick a lollipop until sticky, take outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour orange squash over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.


Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, then rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays lollipop from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.


Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavour), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

This one really made me laugh. It appealed to my slightly warped imagination!

The dieter's guide to weight loss during sex

How much weight do we lose during sex? The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. non-stop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top; man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a Jacuzzi: 15,269

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience
might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160

And finally, sorry to any men reading this (mwah)

15 reasons why diet coke is better than a man

1. When you swallow a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.

2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.

3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when you want it.

4. The first one won't get mad if you need another one tonight.

5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.

6. You can throw it in the bin when you're done.

7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.

8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about you.

9. You can do one in the car even while driving.

10. The aftertaste is certainly better.

11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.

12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.

13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.

14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.