... I hate getting so emotional that I break down, but I was at the end of my tether. It all came to a head on Saturday morning.
Mark took Isabelle out to buy me a birthday present ready for this Saturday. It was a little bit of something I'd seen and liked while Isabelle and I were out browsing the shops. It was only a fiver, but Isabelle told daddy so off they went to get it. He asked where was a good place to get a card, so I suggested somewhere. Although Isabelle will make me a card anyway, it's also important to her that she gets to choose one from a shop. She's like that. She has to do things the right way, it matters to her and she gets upset when things aren't done right, like giving special cards to special people.
They got back and she scurried past with a bag in her hand to stash in her bedroom, and I asked Mark if he'd found the card shop. He said.. very matter of fact, I can't be arsed driving through all that traffic just for a card. That was it, the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I cried. My head had translated his words into 'see, that's how important you are and how much you matter, he can't be arsed because it's for you. Any other time, if it was oil for his bike etc he'd have driven through it, but oh no, it's you, so it doesn't matter.' So out it all tumbled.
Over the years I've learned not to be accusing when I'm talking about how I feel or when somethings wrong, because he's automatically on the defensive and turns it all around to being my fault. I talked about how small I felt and how little I mattered until it came to clean clothes and a meal. I talked about everything on my mind and how we don't talk to each other. He said I had nothing interesting to say. (talk about shove the knife in and twist it!) but I asked how he knew that, when he doesn't even listen to me. One of his worst habits is he'll ask a question and not listen for the answer only to ask again. We've had huge arguments over it, because I can be a stubborn pig when I get going and I'd tell him if you can't be bothered to listen to the answer, I'm not repeating it, he should listen the first time!
But anyway, I'd said my piece, he defended himself even though I felt he had no need to, but he obviously felt I'd threatened his 'maleness'. He did say he understood my point and he would try to do something about it.
On Sunday I was still feeling a bit rough and bitter about everything and we ended up having, not an argument, but a heated discussion about money. Mark is very materialistic, whereas I'm not, so we normally manage ok, but he's very money oriented and always wants more. I look after our finances as he is terrible at it, and it normally works ok, but this month we have Isabelle's birthday and party to pay for, and Mark forgets what he's already had. Once he's had it, it's been and gone and is on to the next thing. So we had this discussion and it didn't end up very well, so I retreated back into my crabby shell (I'm cancerian and climbing into my shell for protection is one of my (bad?) habits) and I buried myself in a really good book I was reading and almost at the end of. I was talked out and really couldn't be bothered. He tried to talk to me, just general talk, but I was hurt and in my shell. I only spoke when I had to.
Mum phoned Monday morning and asked if I was feeling any better (I'd phoned her on Sunday when he'd gone for a ride on his motorbike, so she knew(ish) what was going on) and for once I didn't put my happy mask on. I told her no, I wasn't really feeling any better. That's not like me at all. I normally just cover up and lie.
So Mark came home from work on Monday night, a different person. Do men talk to other men and get things off their chest? Do they discuss things at work? Or maybe he'd had a chat with one of the women he works with? Maybe it was just time away from the house and he'd had time to think. I don't know.. but he really did come home a different person. He chatted, asked me questions and actually listened to the answers first time! He didn't go onto the computer until well after dinner and said he wasn't ignoring me but he had some items on ebay ending within the hour, but even then, he chatted to me while he was doing it. It's like he's had an injection of human being again. So why does it have to come to me loosing the plot and blubbing all over the place to get something like this sorted out? It's been going on for weeks to the point where I felt I didn't exist or matter. Why does it have to come to that?
I don't know how long it will last, but I do think he realised just how emotional and lost I was once I'd told him and he'd had time to digest the information.
I'm making the effort and so is he. We'll see how it goes.