Thursday, October 29

Non Smoker?

Well, not quite, but almost.

After being told I had pleurisy 10 days ago, it brought back haunting thoughts of my dad and his long and slow decline in health leading to his death 5 and a half years ago. He was using inhalers and then oxygen pipes 24/7 for the last 10 years of his life. He was a heavy smoker and started getting pleurisy at the age of 40. A year younger than I am now. He ended up with a completely collapsed lung, and the other lung partially collapsed. He was on so many various kinds of medication he rattled. He ended up bed-ridden for the last 5 years of his life and I watched my precious father waste away. He died in hospital from pneumonia.

I had visions of me heading in the same direction, and I make my family go through the same thing I did, I can't make them watch me die slowly and painfully.

I was smoking 20 cigarettes a day.

It has been a very VERY tough week for me. I have cut down to two or three cigarettes a day and am trying very hard to cut those last ones out completely. I feel a bit guilty because everyone thinks I've stopped completely, but I went two days without a cigarette at all and almost lost my mind with it. I know it's withdrawal symptoms, but join those symptoms up with PMT and I was almost ready to murder everyone in my household, and the rest of the street. So, at the moment, those couple of cigarettes are saving my sanity, but I AM going to cut them out and I WILL be a non smoker. I do feel guilty lying to my family and have them thinking I have stopped completely, but I am going to stop completely. The mornings are the worst time for me. As I get through the day, its easier and easier to go without a cigarette, and I keep myself busy doing stuff, I just have to learn how to get through the mornings.

Having a reformed smoker (and very much the preacher) for a husband makes matters worse for me to be honest. Mark stopped his 30 a day habit almost 4 years ago, and as proud of him as I am for sticking to it, he drives me bonkers with his know it all attitude. I don't think he realises what he's doing, but he doesn't have a great deal of tact. OK you get a factual 'this is how it is' straight laced opinion, but when you're feeling a little bit sensitive and very very angry and anxious inside and you basically want to kill anything that annoys you.. tact would be a fine skill to adopt for a short while at least LOL

I'll get there :)