I have seen several Dear so and so blog posts and really didn't want to copy the idea, but I really do need to tell several people what I think... so, I joined the Dear so and so ranks.
Dear Isabelle
Yes I realise you're still only 4 and that school days are long and make you tired, especially when you have a swimming lesson at 4.15 on a Monday. I know you love getting a lollipop out of the big lollipop shaped vending machine on your way back to the car. But this is now becoming a nightmare and it has to stop. Just because the lollipop dispenser didn't realise it was you and threw out a green lollipop does not make it necessary to throw yourself onto the floor in full view of everyone and scream "I hate the green ones, why does it always give me a green one?" and continue to scream and cry. It is not a personal vendetta against you, it is a game of chance. I do realise that you seem to get more green lollipops than any other colour, but that is not my fault. In future this won't happen because I will no longer have any 20p's to put in the machine. This does not however mean that you can scream and throw yourself onto the floor because you can't have a lollipop. If this happens I will continue walking without trying to console, pacify or co-erce you out to the car. I no longer care how many other mums are watching, I will go to the car without you.
Yours
Your pissed off lollipop hating mum xx
Dear surely you can't be old enough to drive, you're only 12, impatient idiot.
The world won't end if you don't get your car out of that side junction onto the main road immediately as you get to the end of the junction. It's not absolutely necessary for you to carry on driving, making me brake hard to stop my car in time to let you out. And absolutely do not wave to thank me with that stupid big grin on your face, you know you were wrong and it scared my daughter.
Yours
Hoping your wheels fall off.
Dear Mr been at work all day and have to get home right now,
It's no good driving right up the arse of my car, I won't go any faster. We are driving in a very built up area and the speed limit is 30mph, which I am doing. There are speed cameras along this road and I do not need a ticket for speeding, so please stop pushing me to go faster. And get off the arse of my car. In fact, I am more liable to slow down to 10mph if you don't get away from my back end. Repeated taps on my breaks still didn't discourage you. I realise you've probably been stuck in an office all day and are in a rush to get home, but you still can't go any faster even if you are in front of me. Hang on for 5 minutes and we get to a stretch of national speed limit road, where I will speed up, as in fact you noticed once we got there. And yes I did pull into the fast lane to stay in front of you on purpose, but again, I was doing the national speed limit and made you stay behind me. I enjoyed that.
Yours
Please get off the arse of my car.
Dear checkout assistant,
It really isn't necessary to scrutinise my shopping as you scan it all and then declare, that's a rather random selection of shopping. I do my main shopping online and have to pick up a 'few bits' from time to time, so the 'random' shopping comprising of a ream of paper, cellotape (both pacify my daughter's creative addiction) some batteries (for the smoke alarm!) milk, birthday card, chilli chocolate (I like to 'treat' my hubby to wierd food), ibuprophen and cat meat were essentials I needed. I don't see anything random about that? It's not even as if I had anything embarassing in that lot. So commenting on how random my shopping was, isn't really necessary and I'd appreciate you sticking to your normal checkout assistant modes of grumpy and not talking or too damned cheerful talking about the weather rather than discuss the contents of my shopping trolley.
Yours
please keep your nose out and keep beeping.
Dear Body
Give me a break please. It's bad enough that I had a cough and cold for 10 days and just when I thought it was done with me, it came back for round two. The same cold, the same wipeout after only two days really wasn't fair. Add to that the lovely monthly cycle (insert sarcasm) which for some reason you decided that hmmmm, lets go for 10 days this month at least. Quit already, I've had enough. And then just as I have the remnants of the cold, and the monthlys, you decide lets go for three in a row.. yes a full wipeout, we'll throw in a fibro flare while we're at it. C'mon now, this is just too much for anyone to take. I can't stand for more than 5 minutes, my back feels like someone is scraping a knife down my spine all the time and laying down doesn't even make it feel better, in fact it feels worse and my shoulders are so painful. I now feel like a total wipeout cripple and it really is getting me down. Are you doing this to test me? If so, I failed, you win, now let the competition be over and let me get back to some sort of normality please.
Yours
very sore and convinced my body is out to get me.
Dear Body
Give me a break please. It's bad enough that I had a cough and cold for 10 days and just when I thought it was done with me, it came back for round two. The same cold, the same wipeout after only two days really wasn't fair. Add to that the lovely monthly cycle (insert sarcasm) which for some reason you decided that hmmmm, lets go for 10 days this month at least. Quit already, I've had enough. And then just as I have the remnants of the cold, and the monthlys, you decide lets go for three in a row.. yes a full wipeout, we'll throw in a fibro flare while we're at it. C'mon now, this is just too much for anyone to take. I can't stand for more than 5 minutes, my back feels like someone is scraping a knife down my spine all the time and laying down doesn't even make it feel better, in fact it feels worse and my shoulders are so painful. I now feel like a total wipeout cripple and it really is getting me down. Are you doing this to test me? If so, I failed, you win, now let the competition be over and let me get back to some sort of normality please.
Yours
very sore and convinced my body is out to get me.
Ahhh, I feel better for that. I do love a good rant.
