Sunday, March 21

A bit of a whinge

How come I am surrounded by people every day, yet feel so lonely?

It's probably just my mood I guess, but at the moment I feel that the main purpose of my life is to help everyone in my family get on with their life. I exist, I provide, I comfort, I support, I wash and clean.... and in amongst all that, somewhere, is me. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy in my marriage, I have great kids who I know love me, as does my hubby, but why do I feel like I'm here to be a skivvy? Where did I go in amongst this life? I just seem to go from one task to another, running about doing 'stuff' but never seem to get a 'thanks' or 'I'll do that' for a change. The phrase I'm after is taken for granted. I have spent the last week running about doing extra 'stuff' to the normal day to day 'stuff' and have ended up really tired. Fibromyalgia will do that to you sometimes. But what irks me is that when I run about doing all these extra things because hubby can't be arsed is at work and apparently doesn't have the time, and I have to spend 2 hours on the phone between two companies whom neither will accept responsibility for an 'error' the words thank you make a huge difference to the runnee (me), but to get on my case for the one thing I tried to do but after being on hold for 20 minutes, thought.. sod this.. I'll phone tomorrow because it's not THAT urgent, did piss me off somewhat.

This also adds to the feeling of lonelyness, or maybe it's isolation in that I feel like I'm a one (wo)man band. 

I don't see many people, apart from at school drop off and pick up time. I moved here 14 years ago and have made friends, but due to life etc, some have moved on. I don't make friends very easily, not close friends. I find hard to trust people deeper than surface level. This may sound very sad, but during my adult life I've only had 2 (what I'd call) really close friends, and due to them moving away from the area, the friendships sort of vanished once they'd moved on, despite me trying to keep in touch. This hurts to be honest and it makes me wonder was I only worth being friends with when they lived close by, but I guess seeing each other every day and popping in for coffee makes it easier to be good friends.

That all makes me sound like a really sad person... and I'm not. I am generally very happy and chirpy.. in fact, the amount of times I've been told I'm 'bubbly and very smiley' is unbelieveable. I did a sign language class a few years ago and we all had a signed name. The lecturer based the names on a physical feature of each person, mine ended up being smiler (which was nice).

But I digress, I still have this feeling of isolation and lonelyness. It's probably because I don't have a close female friend to offload on. I do have friends but am not comfortable getting that personal with them. I don't feel that it's fair to dump my crap on them.  It's so much easier for me to listen and advise than talk myself.

It doesn't help that my hubby is not the most understanding of people. He's not a talker, he's a problem solver, so talking about how I feel becomes a brainstorming session for him, he has all the answers on how to solve things, thinks he's done a good job in solving my life for me and walks around with a satisfied grin on his face. But telling my mum to 'f the hell off' is not a practical solution is it? So I struggle sometimes to offload on my hubby. When he asked 'what's wrong?' I asked if he really wanted to know, or if a brief answer would suffice. He opted for brief. To which I replied, everything feels 10 times worse than it actually is at the moment. The reply was uh huh and he moved on. 

A lack of respect really gets my goat too (poor goat LOL). Just because I'm home during the day does not mean I want to spend that day picking up stuff that's been left lying around (by hubby - and he really is one of the worlds most untidy people) because he doesn't have time to do it because he works all day. Erm, excuse me, you walked to the kitchen for something, why did you not pick up the mountain of dishes that were sat at your feet and take them with you? or when he's finished whatever job he's doing (very often bike related and stinking of chemicals and the task is done on the dining room table) clear the flippin stuff up! before you move to the next thing. I won't go on.. but you get the idea.

I suppose it's just my mood at the moment. It will pass and life will be hunky dory again for me...... 

sorry for the pity party post. At least it's off my chest now.. and I feel better for it.