Thursday, April 15

writing worshop - my first one.

This is a new one for me. I've seen so many posts from the Writing Workshop set by sleep is for the weak

This week's prompt is Clear out a cupboard you’ve not visited in years.

You might start reading this and think I'm completely barking mad. You're probably right. I have cupboards in my head. (no, please don't look at me like that with such wide eyes). The are obviously metaphorical cupboards. It's the way I visualise my brain to be. I have a nice cosy semi-circular row of cupbards, and they're a nice bright yellow colour. This is where I store everything so that I can open the cupboard doors as and when I need whatever is inside. There is one cupboard that doesn't match the rest. It's a black cupboard right at the back. It sits right in the middle of all the cupboards. This one has chains around it and a huge padlock. This is where everything that I don't want, or can't, deal with stays. This cupboard doesn't get opened. Nasty things live in there. Well, they might not be actually nasty, but the things that upset me are in there.
The thing that takes the most space up in there are the thoughts of my Dad. He certainly wasn't nasty, in fact he was completely the opposite end of the scale, but he died nearly 6 years ago. What does live in this cupboard are my emotions about my dad. The ones I can't control about how much I miss him, about how he's no longer with me to help and adivse me, to guide the way. See, right now, I'm heading towards that cupboard and it's shouting to be opened, the chains are rattling.. open me, open me. But I can't. It's too painful.

Also in this cupboard are my feelings about myself. My lack of self esteem, my low confidence, my dislike of myself. I have to keep that all locked in this cupboard too, because if I open the cupboard all these emotions spill out and then take over and plunge me into a downward spiral of self loathing and depression. The emotions about my dad also tumble out and I start to think about how he's not here anymore, which then adds to the depression, which makes me want to go and hide in my cave and self destruct. So you can see why I can't open this cupboard door. The chains have to stay locked, otherwise I disolve.

I will go and clean the front of the cupboard occasionaly and sometimes some of it's contents spill out, but I have to pick them up and push them back into the cupboard and make sure the chains are tightened so that nothing else spills out. 

Occasionally, I think, right.. I'm feeling quite strong right now, I'll go and clean this cupboard out... in fact, I had a counsellor try and help me spring clean the cupboard one time, and that was a disaster. She didn't understand what was in there and she told me to get everything off the shelves of this cupboard and put them all in the bin, clean the cupboard out and paint it yellow to match the others. It didn't work, because everything that was in this cupboard spilled out all over the floor, into the corners of my brain and climbed up the front of the yellow cupboards so that I couldn't see anything but the contents of the black cupboard. So I gathered them all up again, shoved them back in the black cupboard and chained it up tightly. 

I haven't opened this cupboard lately, but I know the chains will start rattling and shouting open me.. open me.. once more and they well shout louder and louder the nearer I get to the 6th anniversary of my dad passing away in June. Until then, I'll clean around the cupboard, but keep it firmly locked.