Life just seems so overwhelming at the moment, and I'm so tired.
There are no major problems or hurdles to get over, just general day to day existence is tiring. My get up and go, got up and left. My mojo got lost and I just feel like that big black cloud is pressing down heavier and heavier. I am going through the motions, but my heart isn't in anything.
I feel like my marriage is a bit stagnent and hubby, despite me trying to talk about it, is oblivious. He's fine, his life is fine, he's happy, so of course, there can't be any problems.
I think the biggest thing that bothers me at the moment is that I have to do everything. All the organising, the arranging, the maintaining... etc. It's Isabelle's birthday next week, so it's down to me to arrange her party, invitations, her presents and one of the more annoying things is having to think of things for everyone else to buy her. Why can't people just buy her something. She's a 5 year old little girl for heavens sake.. or she will be 5 a week on Friday. Go look in the shops.. online.. wherever.. just don't make me do all the thinking. My general answer of, no there's nothing she really wants doesn't suffice. I am supposed to come up with an idea and then they can go and buy it, or just send her the money. (this is family I'm referring to!).
I bought her a load of playmobil stuff from ebay. I camper van and a horse stables with all the horses and jumps etc. I know she'll love it. She has a huge thing for horses and she loves the little roll play games. I showed it to hubby and his reaction was.. we're getting her something else aswell aren't we? Well actually, no I wasn't planning to, she will love it. He pulled a face and said we should get something else too. How about a TV and DVD player for her bedroom? She's going to be 5!! Why does she need a TV and DVD player in her room? I'd rather she wasn't watching stuff in her room when she goes to bed. She's not even that interested in TV to be honest. She'd rather be making something. So no, I'm not going to spend all that money on something I don't want her to have. I'm not shoving her out of the way up in her room to watch TV. I want to know what she does watch and when she watches it. It's not because I'm a controlling parent, I just don't think that at 5 years old, she needs it. Let her play rather than become a vegetable with square eyes who is grumpy due to lack of sleep. (I guess you can say I feel quite strongly about that).
We did agree however that it was about time we put her incessant begging to an end that we've had to suffer for the last year. She's been asking and asking for a rabbit. Isabelle loves, and adores animals, and although we have a cat, the cat is 19 and is a very old lady, is a bit cantankerous and will only let you stroke her when she wants it. So I've ordered a rabbit hutch and on Tuesday visited the rabbit man (not his real name obviously LOL). I've picked out a little female rabbit who will be old enough to leave her mummy rabbit next Thursday night ready to be brought home and put in her new hutch to surprise Isabelle on Friday morning. I need to get bedding, food, dish, water bottle etc.. but again, all this has been left for me. We decided to get her one anyway, but it made hubby feel better when I suggested she have it as part of her birthday present. He obviously really didn't like the playmobil stuff.
It's also left to me to tax/sorn cars/bikes, banking, bills etc etc, and it gets me from time to time, especially when snide comments are made about something that didn't get done, or I forgot to do. When I say, if it's that important you do it, I get the reply of.. I'm at work all day, I don't have time. He has evenings and weekends.. but that's taken up with him either sitting at the computer or him taking a motorbike or pushbike apart or putting it to pieces again in the garage. If he's on the computer and I speak to him, he doesn't hear me. If he's watching football, he doesn't hear me. If he's in the garage, he obviously doesn't hear me. I feel like I'm living in a silent world at the moment. We don't seem to have any 'us' time. I feel very lonely at times. If I try to arrange some us time it has to be on his terms or something he wants to do that I struggle to do ie, walking up mountains or some physical activity which my fibro body can't cope with.
I realise the simple solution is talk to each other, but it just doesn't happen no matter how much I try. He's fine, his life is fine.. no problem needs solving.
There's one other thing that's getting to me at the moment to.. and I think that this is probably the root of the problem now that I'm actually writing it down. I don't feel special or important. I'm surplus to requirements, I'm only necessary for clean clothes, food provider and caretaker. It's my birthday the day after Isabelle's.. a week on Saturday. Since having Isabelle, my birthday is no longer valid. When she was born, I had to stay in overnight because my waters had been leaking for 4 days but they wouldn't induce me till the 4th day even though I was over my dates. So I was in hospital for my birthday and I didn't even get a birthday card or present from my other half.. a baby was present enough apparently. And of course, ever since then, it's been about Isabelle's birthday. My 40th birthday, party that I'd arranged to have at my mum's with my brothers 2 years ago (and no laughing Julie, that I'm still sulking about this) was turned into a 60th birthday party for my aunt, and I didn't even get a balloon, cake, banner .. nothing. It was always bad enough that it was my baby brother's birthday the day before mine (the same day as Isabelle) and my aunt the same day as me.. I always had to share a birthday until I left home. and now my birthday, once more, pales into insignificance. The day I should be made to feel special seems to be a pain in the arse for everyone. Hubby constantly moans on the run up to my birthday about how he doesn't know what to buy me. I'm not that difficult to buy for. The past two years there have been things I wanted so he got an easy run on that and I ordered, bought and paid for the stuff myself. This year, there's nothing in particular, so he's stuck. Can't he walk around Chester during his lunch break and see what's in the shops? It doesn't even have to be much, but the fact that he would have taken the effort to go and choose something himself would mean so much to me.
Oh dear, I sound like I'm having such a pity party here. But I do feel down and I do feel lost and lonely, I feel put on, taken for granted and that no one takes an extra bit of time to see if I'm ok. Hubby is always too busy doing something to see how I am, or how my day has been. I'll be alright. I always am. I'll feel better for just getting it all off my chest.
I totally relate. Sometimes things fall into a drudgery where you feel hugely unappreciated. You feel that all the menial tasks are expected of you because that is what you do, while the hubby expects massive kudos and brownie points for even the slightest thing. Last time I felt like that I blogged about it and my hubby reads my blog. So he asked what he could do to help (I think the constant crying was getting on his nerves too) - that was a result. The thing is, they mean well but they often just don't see what's going on and how unfair it is. Sometimes you just need to talk it all through with them. I hope you can. Hubby and I always used to talk best in the car. Not possible with the little one now but maybe there is a space where you both can have 1-1 time that is relaxed enough for this sort of conversation to happen.
ReplyDeleteIt's like carrying some heavy shopping bags. At first you cope ok, swap hands etc, but eventually the weight becomes too much to bear. Looks like you've reached that point.
I am in a rush but did not want to read and not reply. I will email you because I have a lot to say. If I for some reason don't email you by Monday afternoon-please please remind me.
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of hugs.
One small word of wisdom that I have adopted and that has helped me. If you complain about something that means that thing is something that can be changed.
Lots more hugs.
Thanks for taking the time to reply :) Maybe I should start crying instead of wandering around in a huge sulk? LOL. Your last sentence really summed it all up.. hit the nail right on the head. heavy, heavy shopping bags. My hubby doesn't even know I blog, let alone where it is. I did try to tell him once, but he switched off while I was telling him..
ReplyDeleteI do feel a bit better toay though, and thanks again for your reply
Thanks for not reading and running. I appreciate that. By all means email me at annie170768(at)gmail(dot)com I'd love to hear what you have to say. Your positive blog posts have often given me a comfort when I've been down.
ReplyDeleteLove the words of wisdom.. and they're very true.
Thanks again for replying
I feel so bad for you I could cry!! It is so long since we chatted or visited and I feel so bad about it - since going full time I have almost no time for myself.And I hate it that I don't get to spend time with friends. Can you PM me on Facebook with your mobile number as I lost it when I changed phones - also your adddress as I lost my address book. Believe you are SPECIAL. Believe it. You ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh dear.
ReplyDeleteHonestly and truly, I think you're a good writer, and a better photographer than many who make money out of it. I don't really understand why you aren't attempting to turn professional in some way - maybe you are? If you learned how to photograph from online sources you can find ideas how to make money from your photos there too. Off the top of my head, istock photo or similar stock photography site could be a start. Look into perhaps providing images for a biking and/or zoo calendar. Do a charity calendar to get started, if you like. Look for jobs on photographers.co.uk - there's always someone desperate for a second shooter at a wedding, for instance. I believe from what you've written that it may give you a much-needed ego boost and you're more than capable.
Get a cleaner - my mother has fibro and I honestly and truly think that having help in once a week keeps her sane. She pays for it using some sort of benefit she gets for this purpose.
As for your marriage, I don't know, it seems very difficult for you to resolve these issues alone, perhaps you should consider marriage conselling, or spending some proper time apart. Frankly it sounds like you are propping your marriage and home life up solo, is this really how you want to live your life? He works full time, but you're "on" 24/7 despite your illness? Fuck that. You guys need to seriously consider both the foundation of your relationship, whether there *is* mutual respect and love there, and then also the spread of the workload. This is part of the reason I suggest you start earning pennies. Why the hell are you scrubbing the floors when you could be making money out of your photography and passing the work on to someone who doesn't mind it, for instance? It's utterly nonsensical and tbh, playing devil's advocate for a second, the whole martyrdom thing is probably pissing "hubby" off. Just put your foot down, gently, instead of gritting your teeth and doing all the stuff you "have" to do. They aren't mind readers. And if people overstep the mark, just say so. There's no need to lose the rag, just bloody well speak up. What are they going to do?
Oh, and my favourite quote ever, from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No-one makes you feel inferior without your consent." Think about it - you feel like nothing because you are consenting to this view of you. You have to, must, stop consenting.
Luck and hugs!