Monday on holiday

 So it's Tuesday morning but I'm writing about Monday because I'm too tired at night and have no brain, so it's easier to write in the morning. 

I got up Monday morning and it was starting to dawn on me that I have no responsibilities. Anything that was done today was purely my choice. I decided that I was just going to mooch about at the cottage during the day and then go and get fish and chips and eat them at the west bay watching the sun set. That's the only plan I had. I did some writing, some reading my phone and about 3.30pm I was tired so I thought I'd have a nap. I woke again about 8pm. oops.  I felt really groggy so I made myself a bacon sandwich and just chilled on the sofa. I decided not to go for fish and chips watching the sunset. And it didn't matter. I'd not disappointed anyone and that felt great. Normally I'd have put others before myself and we would have ended up going, no matter how tired I felt. 

I didn't craft, I didn't read, I did do the dishes. I scrolled facebook and facebook watch and decided about 11pm to go to bed again. I slept till around 9 (apart from having to wee twice in the night, grrrr) The sun is out, my view is still amazing and I think I'm going to get something to eat and head down to the beach with my book for a while.

As for the rest of the day... who knows? hahaha. It feels great :)

A mental break

 

This is my view. I'm sat outside my little cottage apartment with coffee and my chromebook and this is my view. How awesome is that. This is the view of Llandudno bay, the pier and the Great Orme. The Great Orme is a headland that sticks out into the sea on the North Wales coast. 

I've rented a little cottage apartment from Sunday to Friday for myself. I am taking some time out to fix myself mentally and hopefully physically when I get back home again. The overwhelm at home at our new life post hubby's accident got too much. 

So here I am, re-stocking the calm. I feel a bit like Shirley Valentine, if you can remember her lol Only I'm not going to be falling for any Greek (or any nationality for that matter) hunk. I'm here for peace and quiet and calm. And lets face it, with that view, it's definitely calming.

I'm proud of myself, yes, I just sat and thought about it and I am actually proud of myself. Firstly I can't believe I booked a holiday for myself. Secondly, I drove here myself. I know it's not very far from home in the grand scheme of things but anxiety takes over if I don't know where I am. But I coped. I found my cottage and here I am.

It's so quiet. If it wasn't for the seagulls screaming every now and then I'd think I'd gone completely deaf. I can see cars driving along the road next to the beach, but I can't hear them.

I am loving the freedom. I am only responsible for myself. When I got here last night it was difficult unpacking the car and getting my suitcase up the stairs, but I managed. I've not unpacked, it's all still in the suitcase, which isn't like me. I normally unpack stuff into the wardrobes etc. I've left clothes laying over the chair in the bedroom, again, not like me, but you know what... it doesn't matter. 

This morning when I woke up, I decided not to get up but to doze on and off for a while until I was really ready to get out of bed. I've not eaten yet because I wasn't hungry. It's almost 1pm and I'm ready to eat but because no one else was wanting breakfast, it didn't matter. 

Before I go and eat, last night was quite and emotional and grounding moment. I sat here watching the sun set and happened to look up and saw maybe 50 or so bats flying around the trees and above my head. I was a bit sad that Mark or Jamie wasn't here to share it with, but I thought for a moment and changed the thought process to one where I thought, oh wow, the sunset is amazing, it's so peaceful and quiet and I have bats flying overhead catching insects. There was only me in this moment. Only me witnessing this moment in time and no one else will have this moment that I've had. That is precious.

A new start

 It's time to find me again, who I am, and what I'm about.

My hubby was knocked off his motorbike and the injuries almost took his life. He was intubated at the roadside and was in a coma for 6 days. He spent 3 months in hospital but nearly 11 months later he is still having to have surgeries and rehabilitation. He has life-changing injuries and is in constant pain. I am now his carer and the last 11 months have taken their toll on me. He has worked hard and can now walk (I say walk, its more of a hobble) with a crutch but he only really has 10% usage of his left leg. Add to that the bones in his right arm aren't healing, he has limited use in his left arm, both knees have no ligaments attached and require surgery and his lungs haven't really recovered from having drainage tubes in them.

Hubby is Autistic and it can make life very difficult, especially as he had a brain injury which makes it difficult for him to understand some things.  My son is also Autistic and has ADHD. My life can be overwhelming sometimes in trying to fit into an autistic household. Trying to keep everything together in a way that everyone is comfortable is really hard sometimes. 

Life is currently overwhelming. I decided I really need a break. To get away from everything and to restore some coping mechanisms and some sanity. I've never done this before. I've never been away on my own. It was always with family when I was a kid, or with my kids and family. 

So here I am today, sat outside a little apartment at the seaside on my own from Sunday to Friday. I'll tell you more 

Annie :)

Dear neglected blog

 My poor neglected blog, just sitting here with words of old, minding your own business, doing nothing. My poor blog, I need you again. I need somewhere to put my thoughts, my feelings, my current life. I hope you'll have me back. 

I'm in a little bit of a lost place at the moment, but stuck in groundhog day. Day in, Day out, the same thing. 

My lovely hubby was knocked off his motorbike six weeks ago today. He almost died at the crash site. She pulled out on him. A young girl, 23, didn't see him! Those famous last words... I just didn't see him. Despite the fact he was on a big motorbike, with panniers and was loaded up to go camping after he'd worked 5 days in Scotland, she still didn't see him, hit him and almost killed him. 

I'll write more about that in a separate post but for now I need a space for me. I need to de-brain, if that's even a word and I really can't de-brain to anyone in real life.

So, today is day 43 since the accident. 6 weeks yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in groundhog day. It's the same thing, day in, day out. We've (my son and I) only been home home for 10 days and hubby has been in a local hospital for the same amount of time. Before that we were 260 miles away and hubby was in a hospital in Scotland and we stayed in a bed and breakfast, then a rented house, then a bed and breakfast again for 5 weeks. It's taken some settling down back at home, trying to get a routine together and doing it all without my main support system, because he's still in a hospital bed. It's beginning to get very lonely. I know I have my son but it's just not the same. I need comfort, love and physical contact from the other half of me. But I have to walk away from him every day, and I go to bed alone every night, which, after 21 years is very difficult and it's getting harder by the day. I realise it's not as hard as what hubby is going through, but this is a different kind of hard. It's difficult to go to the hospital every day trying to be upbeat and happy and funny when in reality I want to just do things for me for a while. Not have to go anywhere, just be me. Craft a few things. But the reality is I get up, do a few jobs/necessary tasks, go to the hospital at 10 to 1 taking all the things he needs that day. Get home around 5 - 5.30, cook and eat dinner, chat with son, go to bed. And it's the same, day after day after day. 

I guess I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment, when really I shouldn't. I've still not really cried or processed the accident, his life changing injuries, the fact that he's likely to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, unable to ride a motorbike again. He is healing well and he can now get himself from the bed to his wheelchair and can wheel himself around the hospital which is amazing given how he was a couple of weeks ago. His nerve pain is under control and he can move his left leg with his hands or a strap under his feet and can do so without the stabbing, shooting nerve pain he was having. This is all great and I'm so chuffed that he's a determined character. Standing is going to be his next goal. He'll cry if he can stand again. He didn't have enough right leg muscle to stand up last time he tried. Fingers crossed it goes well this time. 

I'm so glad he's doing so well. I guess I just feel weary and a little bit run down. I'll get over it. I really just want him home, but that in itself will bring a whole new set of challenges. 

For now, I need to eat and think about getting ready to leave for the hospital..again. I have to take his shoes in today as the Orthopedic team are going to make a calliper to attach to his left shoe to give his left leg stability. 

Take care and keep smiling 

Annie xx

How about some... awwwwwww?

A friend of mine has been on hatch-watch. The swans were sitting on eggs on a local pond. My friend phoned last night and told me that he'd seen the cygnets swimming on the pond. So off I trotted this morning, camera in hand, and here are the results, with an added bonus of some newly hatched ducklings.

Dandelions

My 5 year old loves dandelions, and this year there seems to be billions of them. We have to hunt out the 'dandelion clocks' whenever we take the dog for a walk and tell what time it is by seeing how many blows she has to do before the seeds have all blown away.

We had a single dandelion clock in our garden and I wanted to photograph it. She hung about at my side, trying to blow the seeds off before I'd got my photographs. I managed to get her to hold on by giving her my point and shoot camera and letting her take photographs too. I've not got hers processed yet, but here are mine.. followed by a few shots of my Clematis which looks beautiful this year. It feels so good to finally use my camera again after having a photographic drought for the past six months. 

Click the images to view them full size and see the detail.

 

OOB

OOB stands for out of the box. Sometimes when I don't feel like doing anything else, I play with my photographs. Today was one of those days. Here are the results.

All the photographs were taken by me and then 'played with' by me.

Time.. where does it go?

Why do I never seem to have enough time? I don't go out to work so I guess I'm a stay at home mum, but good grief, I never seem to stop running about doing this that or the other.

I did however get a little bit of time to myself a week last Friday. (see .. it's well over a week ago already!) and I was invited over to a photography friends house to use his small home studio to take some photographs of Isabelle. Supplied with coffee and hints and tips on photographing a not particularly photogenic child with the attention span of a goldfish.

This is my favourite shot from the day as it really does summise Isabelle. She is a walking talking whirlwind until she decides to read a book (which she does love to do). I love the concentration on her face and the appearance that she's completely lost in the book. Kipper really is too easy for her to read these days, but she still loves it.

and I like this one because it was her own choice of pose and she's looking cute.

Fast forward a week and a bit to yesterday. My hubby, previously know as couch potato has spent the last couple of years getting fit, losing weight, stopping drinking and smoking, and started running. After a couple of half marathons, he decided to do the Hell Up North aka Hell Run through Delamere Forest. Isabelle and I were dragged along for support and praise him at the end for doing well. The run is 12 miles up hill and down dale, avoiding trees wherever possible and ending up running wading through the Bog Of Doom. 

Isabelle and I managed to get ourselves down to the edge of the bog.. and it stank!! As the runners went through we were splattered and covered in mud, it was messy, but we managed to see Mark on his way through. 

 Yes he is up to his waist in mud and water, it was a bloody big puddle in the bog. And he was wearing white shorts!!!
 

Helping someone through the bog... nice and clean aren't they?

And then this came wading through!! Words fail me LOL it was bloody freezing cold too.