Tuesday, November 2

Dear neglected blog

 My poor neglected blog, just sitting here with words of old, minding your own business, doing nothing. My poor blog, I need you again. I need somewhere to put my thoughts, my feelings, my current life. I hope you'll have me back. 

I'm in a little bit of a lost place at the moment, but stuck in groundhog day. Day in, Day out, the same thing. 

My lovely hubby was knocked off his motorbike six weeks ago today. He almost died at the crash site. She pulled out on him. A young girl, 23, didn't see him! Those famous last words... I just didn't see him. Despite the fact he was on a big motorbike, with panniers and was loaded up to go camping after he'd worked 5 days in Scotland, she still didn't see him, hit him and almost killed him. 

I'll write more about that in a separate post but for now I need a space for me. I need to de-brain, if that's even a word and I really can't de-brain to anyone in real life.

So, today is day 43 since the accident. 6 weeks yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in groundhog day. It's the same thing, day in, day out. We've (my son and I) only been home home for 10 days and hubby has been in a local hospital for the same amount of time. Before that we were 260 miles away and hubby was in a hospital in Scotland and we stayed in a bed and breakfast, then a rented house, then a bed and breakfast again for 5 weeks. It's taken some settling down back at home, trying to get a routine together and doing it all without my main support system, because he's still in a hospital bed. It's beginning to get very lonely. I know I have my son but it's just not the same. I need comfort, love and physical contact from the other half of me. But I have to walk away from him every day, and I go to bed alone every night, which, after 21 years is very difficult and it's getting harder by the day. I realise it's not as hard as what hubby is going through, but this is a different kind of hard. It's difficult to go to the hospital every day trying to be upbeat and happy and funny when in reality I want to just do things for me for a while. Not have to go anywhere, just be me. Craft a few things. But the reality is I get up, do a few jobs/necessary tasks, go to the hospital at 10 to 1 taking all the things he needs that day. Get home around 5 - 5.30, cook and eat dinner, chat with son, go to bed. And it's the same, day after day after day. 

I guess I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment, when really I shouldn't. I've still not really cried or processed the accident, his life changing injuries, the fact that he's likely to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, unable to ride a motorbike again. He is healing well and he can now get himself from the bed to his wheelchair and can wheel himself around the hospital which is amazing given how he was a couple of weeks ago. His nerve pain is under control and he can move his left leg with his hands or a strap under his feet and can do so without the stabbing, shooting nerve pain he was having. This is all great and I'm so chuffed that he's a determined character. Standing is going to be his next goal. He'll cry if he can stand again. He didn't have enough right leg muscle to stand up last time he tried. Fingers crossed it goes well this time. 

I'm so glad he's doing so well. I guess I just feel weary and a little bit run down. I'll get over it. I really just want him home, but that in itself will bring a whole new set of challenges. 

For now, I need to eat and think about getting ready to leave for the hospital..again. I have to take his shoes in today as the Orthopedic team are going to make a calliper to attach to his left shoe to give his left leg stability. 

Take care and keep smiling 

Annie xx

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