Incessant Ramblings

..and on to 2012

2012-01-07T12:13:00.000Z

Happy New Year! It crept in quietly in our house, but that's ok. The fireworks in London on the TV were stunning.

Of course, everyone takes time at the new year to take stock of them, life and everything in it, including me.

Where I'm at these days: During the run up to Christmas, I thought I was loosing the plot. Stress wears me down and I was angry with myself on Christmas Day when I ended up having a minor meltdown at the end of the day and couldn't stop crying. A disagreement with hubby set me off and I just couldn't come back from it.. but after visiting family after Christmas and getting to see my lovely elder daughter I felt much better when I got home again.

So this year I will: continue to be a non smoker. I smoked my last cigarette at 8.30am on the 16th of September last year and haven't had another one since. I'm now at the point where I consider myself to be a non smoker. Now after smoking for around 25 years or so, that is something I never thought I'd consider myself to be.. but there you go.

So now that's done and out of the way, I can tackle my food dependency and weight issues. I have been on every diet going since the age of 16. I am now 43!!! I have lost a lot of weight, but gained more than I've lost. It's ridiculous. So I am never going to put myself on a diet ever again... NEVER. I am eating what I want to eat, when I want it (yes including chocolate or biscuits) I'm just making sure I'm eating consciously rather than unconsciously. Do I really need to make 4 slices of toast 'just in case' I need more. I will make 2 slices and really, it IS sufficient. So I'm tackling it all psychologically and dealing with it lifetime longterm rather than 'going on another diet'. The word diet should have 'fail' in brackets next to it.. The psychological help is working already. I'm not constantly thinking what can I eat next.. I am in control of the food rather than it being in control of me... brainwashing? maybe.. but if it works, it works.

Also this year I'm going to become (A VERY YOUNG!) Grandma. My eldest daughter is 26 and is having a baby.. yayyyyyyy!!! I actually never thought I'd see the day. She was always so anti-having-kids. But she's settled with her soon to be hubby and their new baby will arrive towards the end of August. I'm really not sure how either of them will cope. Neither of them has changed a nappy in their lives, let alone fed or dressed a baby.. but I'm sure they'll do just fine (slightly anxious look lol)

So that's the way life is at the moment. I'm quite contented and happy with my lot. My fibromyalgic body gives me grief daily, but I'm trying to cope the best I can when the pain isn't too bad. My Teaching Assistant course is going fine... which reminds me, I really should get back to my coursework!!

TTFN

I've found a new thing to do..

2011-11-16T11:38:00.002Z

It is officially 2 whole months today (as in the 16th September to 16th November) since I became a non smoker!! I've kicked my 20(+) a day habit, cold turkey, no replacements to have to give up... nothing.... I am a non smoker.

I've also discovered my latest hobby, and I can't stop doing it.. all the time. I was taught as a child to crochet, but only a blanket shell stitch. I decided with the aid of modern technology it was time to teach myself how to make more than blankets.So I went on youtube and searched crochet stitches, watched a couple of videos on how to crochet and off I went. And now I can't stop crocheting! I started with little cutsey easy to make animals and have moved on from there. I am now getting quite good.. in my opinion. I'm thinking of getting a bit of stock together and putting it on etsy to sell... I dunno. My stuff has to be really good before I can sell it, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. Hubby asked " how many hats does one house need??" lol

So, a few pictures... although I am one missing that matches the pink hat .. a pair of pink wrist warmers/fingerless gloves. I need to photograph them. Click on any of the pics to see it full size :)

The little pink and white mouse, the pink bunny and the cupcake crochet hook holder are my faves. Then I moved onto hats (and a headband)

The last hat is actually an adults hat, my daughter modelled it for me... my head's going to be warm this winter. I think the brown and cream child's hat is my fave so far. Isabelle loves her three strand headband which fastens in a bow (one strand) at the back.

Now.... what can I crochet next?

Dear so and so.....

2011-07-29T12:46:00.000+01:00

Dear Cold,

please do one. 6 days is more than anyone can take for a cold and I'm normally such a patient person. The thick coating of gunk inside my head is really pissing me off now. Oh and I note your 'lets add laryngitis for fun' trick arrived last night, much to the amusement of my family who continually say 'what' every time I speak. Give me a break please

Yours, Not happy being the butt of all jokes, Annie

Dear washer/dryer.

I wish I'd never bought you. You are nothing but a bloody pain in the arse! It is really un-necessary to break down every 6 months! Thank god I had the foresight to get you insured for breakdowns. I hope you are happy with yourself for refusing to drain out and let me open the door to take the full load of sopping wet clothes out, enabling you to hang on to them in your greedy belly causing them to rot.

yours, I hate you at the best of times, Annie

Dear Hotpoint

a week and a day to get an engineer out to fix my washer/dryer is like an eternity, especially when my hubby had a shouting fit at me this morning because 2 out of 3 pairs of his work trousers are stuck inside the washer and his 3rd pair are at work when he has to go to a meeting somewhere else. Can't you get more engineers on the job?

Yours, frustratingly, Annie

Dear Hubby

It's really not necessary to throw a wobbly because you have to be at a meeting at 8am somewhere other than your office, and due to the washer hijacking 2 pairs of your work trousers and you leaving your other pair of work trousers at work when you got changed to cycle home, you have no trousers to wear. Yelling at me because you are going to have to phone work and tell them you can't go to the meeting because you have no trousers really isn't my fault. I did tell you on Monday that the washer was holding your trousers to ransom.

Yours, I can't take the blame for everything, Your wifey.

Dear Asda

Thank you thank you thank you for being open 24 hours so that when I suggested hubby go and buy a new pair of trousers so that he could attend his meeting this morning, he was able to do so.

Yours, gratefully, Annie

Dear Hubby (again)

Hmmm, have you forgotten I can check the bank account online to see exactly how much you've taken out? Do you really think you're paying THAT much for a pair of trousers?

Yours, I'll be emptying your wallet later, wifey.

Dear delivery man

thank you for delivering my new car battery. I will now be able to start my car again for the first time since Tuesday. You have given me my freedom back again.

Yours, very gratefully, Annie

How about some... awwwwwww?

2011-06-29T17:56:00.000+01:00

A friend of mine has been on hatch-watch. The swans were sitting on eggs on a local pond. My friend phoned last night and told me that he'd seen the cygnets swimming on the pond. So off I trotted this morning, camera in hand, and here are the results, with an added bonus of some newly hatched ducklings.

Changes, ups and downs

2011-06-28T14:28:00.001+01:00

It's been a manic couple of months. A lot of the time I feel like I've been chasing my tail.

I have started my QCF in Teaching and Learning Support Lv2. (They changed the NVQ system to QCF). So far so good. I had my first tutor assessment a couple of weeks ago and it went very well (according to my tutor and her written observations) which was a huge relief. My next one is on the 6th of July and I'm nowhere near as nervous as I was for the last one. I've also had a few hours of paid work (yay!) doing one to one supervision with a child in class. This is on top of my mid-day supervisor role. The teacher was very very happy with the way I worked and was later very surprised that she'd been in to tell the head teacher how amazing I was... (her words not mine lol). So all this was boosting my confidence and my hopes of getting one of the five teaching assistant jobs that are new posts for September. Successful applicants would be notified on the 24th of June. The day came and went... nothing :( Despite everything, I didn't even get an interview. Gutted!! And so I sulked all Friday night.

It wasn't worth getting upset about to be honest, but I was annoyed after doing numerous hours at the school, helping out and doing voluntary hours that I hadn't even got an interview.

But four days on, it seems that it might have been a blessing in disguise. I have been approached today by the lady in charge of special needs children and she has asked me if I would conisder one to one supervision for children with learning disabilities, behavioural problems or ADHD. When I was making the decision to go back into childcare in schools, special needs was actually the area I wanted to be in, but needed the TLS qualification first. Now it's changed, it's not necessary to complete it first as long as I am doing the course and my observational assessments are within the school. So of course, I said yes... without trying to appear to be biting her hand of in my excitement. So now, she has me on her list of one to one supervisors and she has a meeting next week when she will discuss with her managers which children will need one to one care when we start the new school year in September, and then she'll be looking to place me with one of the kids.

So it seems like every cloud has a silver lining afterall.

Dandelions

2011-04-27T22:57:00.000+01:00

My 5 year old loves dandelions, and this year there seems to be billions of them. We have to hunt out the 'dandelion clocks' whenever we take the dog for a walk and tell what time it is by seeing how many blows she has to do before the seeds have all blown away.

We had a single dandelion clock in our garden and I wanted to photograph it. She hung about at my side, trying to blow the seeds off before I'd got my photographs. I managed to get her to hold on by giving her my point and shoot camera and letting her take photographs too. I've not got hers processed yet, but here are mine.. followed by a few shots of my Clematis which looks beautiful this year. It feels so good to finally use my camera again after having a photographic drought for the past six months.

Click the images to view them full size and see the detail.

Changes are on the horizon

2011-04-14T11:30:00.001+01:00

I've been working as a mid-day supervisor (dinner lady to us mere mortals) for the past month at my daughter's primary school. It's only an hour a day, and it's only supervising in the dining hall and in the playground, but it's reminded me how much I love working with kids, especially the infants.

In a previous life.. when my eldest two kids were small (now 21 and 26) I always worked in some kind of childcare facility or other. As they grew I got an NVQ3 in Business Admin and became an office manager and PA. Then along came Isabelle. I left work 3 weeks before she was born and haven't been to a paid place of employment since.

Having been volunteering in Isabelle's school for the past year and a bit, my instinctive nature for childcare has been aroused again. So I've decided to update my childcare qualificatons with the hopes of getting work in Isabelle's school. I love being with the kids and it seems they love being with me. What brought it home yesterday is that Isabelle's class had an end of term show to perform in their classroom for parents. Of course, I went. My heartwarming moment was that as I walked into the classroom at least half of the class of 5, 6 and 7 year olds said hello to me individually, but all with a big smile at being pleased to see me. Some stroked my leg (they were sat down, and infants are prone to stroking teachers they like lol) some wanted to hold my hand, but the majority had something to tell me. These children come up to me in the playground to tell me some important bit of news they have, or if they hurt themselves it seems to be me they come to to be fixed rather than any of the other dinner ladies. I don't know why.. they just do and I love it.

So I am now enrolled to take a course to become a Classroom Teaching Assistant and the course starts right after Easter. The course is mainly assessment based in the workplace environment, so the school will get 10 hours of my time each week voluntarily, but I'll be a TA at the end of the day and with a bit of luck they might find a job for me, even if it's only oncall cover.

I can't wait to get started... I can't believe how much I'd missed working with kids. They're so rewarding, even the naughty ones who need that bit extra attention.

Bring it on!!!

Open up a can of worms?

2011-03-29T22:52:00.000+01:00

or perhaps upset the applecart?

Firstly the disclaimer. I don't wish to upset anyone religious or not... everyone has their right to their own belief and I'm not going to say anyone is wrong for believing. This is just my opinion.

Isabelle has a swimming lesson on a Tuesday evening and our journey home often brings forth bizzare conversations instigated by the still 5 year old Isabelle. Tonight's discussion was very indepth.

Due to the time of year, at school they have been discussing the Christian faith and the belief in God and Jesus (as we're heading towards Easter). Her school visited a Christian Church today. I asked her what she'd seen and we had a good chat about it and how lovely the stained glass windows were and she explained that each one told a story. Then she asked why don't we go to church every sunday? uh oh... how to I explain this to a 5 year old?

Neither Mark nor I are religious. I've never stopped any of the kids learning about religion, and have always answered their questions on religion as honestly as possible from what I was taught at school. I'm not against the teaching of any religion, I think it's good for kids to know about the various religions and the reasons why they believe what they do. But religion is not for me. I believe the big bang theory and evolution. I don't believe God made the world and everything in it. But how do you explain this to a 5 year old? I think I did ok.

I explained that some people don't believe in a God. She already knows an awful lot about the planets and galaxies and the universe. In fact she loves it all. so I explained that these people who don't believe in a God believe in Evolution. She already understands evolution and that creatures came out of the sea and evolved into land animals. This is where she becomes confused. She said that God didn't make the dinosaurs. They evolved from other creatures. But did God tell the creatures to move out of the sea and evolve and if not, how did they decide to do it for themselves? And if God didn't put the trees on the land, how did they get there? Again, I said evolution.. they probably began as plants under the sea and over billions of years they evolved to be trees. We were almost home and the conversation was getting deeper and deeper... her thought process and logic was astonishing for her age and she stumped me several times.

I ended our chat by saying that the best thing to do is to learn about all the religions, and all about evolution and then when she gets older she will be able to decide what she wants to believe in, and if she wants to believe in a God, she will be able to decide which God she wants to worship. But if she decides she doesn't want to believe in a God but believe evolution is right, then that's ok too.

Then tonight, I was reading the news online to see the following article....

Children as young as four to be taught Atheism in School

Atheism is to be taught in some schools as a trial. It will teach them that there is another belief other than (a) God. The plan is to teach Humanism. That you are not wrong to not believe in a God.. that it is ok to believe in Humanism, morals and evolution.

I carried on reading until I got to the religious person's opinion on this..

Quote: Salim Mulla, chair of Lancashire Council of Mosques, is concerned about the outcome of these teachings.

'We believe it is important to have faith values whether that is Christian, Islamic or any other religion,' he said.

'The values are very, very important. I don't think the non God aspect should be introduced into the curriculum.

'I don't think it is right. People are born into faiths and are brought up in that faith and that's how it should stay.

'The non-faith beliefs send a wrong message to the children and confuse them. End Quote

Don't the non God believers have as much right to discuss what they think rather than made to feel like an outcast because they don't have a God? Is this pressurising children to choose a religion because they should? People aren't born into a faith. Everyone is born an Atheist. It is the parents that bring a child up with a certain belief. They teach the child their religion and tell them why they believe the things they do.

I find it hard to understand how schools can teach religion and also about evolution and the environment but keep them as separate entities. And how many times have I heard the question, if there is a God why do all these disasters happen. Why are we having to save the environment that God made? He should should be in control of the environment anyway. and why did God kill all these people in Japan and break their homes? How does a non God believer explain that?

Confusion reigns

My new little boy

2011-03-29T10:51:00.001+01:00

One of the other reasons I've been so busy lately is that we have adopted Charley, a terrier / whippet cross from the animal rescue centre. Charley was found on the streets in Lancashire somewhere and was put on death row because no one would take him in. Our local rescue centre took him in and saved him from his imminent death. I saw his photograph online. Not a great photograph, but his little face pleaded with me to give him a home. Can you see why?

My hubby kept saying if we were to have a dog we should get a German Shepherd. But it would be too big for our house, for me to walk the dog and waaaay too much fur to groom and keep him clean. So I kept emailing the above photo to him at work saying.. awww look at his little face. He wants to come and live with us. He said we could go and see him. So off we all went, including 20 yr old son and his girlfriend in tow.

He was brought out to us. He wasn't too over excited but he was interested and had a waggy tail. We took him for a walk up the lane to see how he behaved on the lead. He was good. Isabelle fell in love with him straight away, and he loved her too. We had a chat and Mark agreed we could adopt him. After the home suitability check, we brought him home. He settled in straight away. He has been with us since the 1st of February. I've been working hard on training him to do what we ask and on the whole, it's going very well. I also started taking him to obedience lessons. The biggest issue we have is his anxiety in a room full of other dogs. Outside on the field when we're walking, he's fine. But in a room full of dogs, he barks like mad. But after 6 weeks of classes this is almost under control. He is a lovely dog and is part of our family even after being with us for so few weeks. He's put weight on and we can no longer see his ribs. But the nicest thing of all (apart from him taking to me and is definately my dog.. I'm his stability) is that he and Isabelle love each other so much. He does what she asks him, and often lay on the floor together cuddling. It's lovely.

Best Friends

My much more confident Charley

Oh and the wonky ear is permanently wonky LOL. It never stands up. I assume he must have been in a fight when he was on the streets as he does have a piece missing, but the ear never stands straight.. That's just Charley and we love his quirk

Still Alive

2011-03-23T10:58:00.000Z

I am still alive.. honest. I thought for a while that maybe I wasn't, but I realise I am.

Lets go back to November... Isabelle was so poorly for almost six weeks, including over Christmas, and so was I. We both had the flu twice and I was laid up on Christmas Eve wondering if I would actually see Christmas Day..thankfully, I did.

I also lost interest in blogging.. well, everything really.. but I only had doom and gloom to write about and to be honest, I even stopped reading others' blogs. A lot of the blogs I subscribed to were being taken over by sponsored posts. Tales of how wonderful things were that they'd been sent by big manufacturers to try. I suppose jealousy came into that too. Why couldn't my child have all these great days out or great toys to try and keep? Why couldn't I have the new washing machine/fridge/cooker etc. But that's not the way I wanted to go with my blog. I'm not calling anyone or saying they're wrong for going down that route, that's their choice, but it wasn't making interesting reading for me anymore. So I stopped.

I also stopped taking photographs.. yes.. completely. I was all photo'd out. I still am to a point to be honest. I've lost my photographic eye. It's been suggested that I try a different genre of photography, but I've tried most of them already. I've gone weeks and weeks without picking my camera up. At one point, I couldn't even remember where I'd put it.. now that IS bad. I took snaps with my point and shoot, but nothing worth sharing with anyone. Memory shots is what they are.

And then 'me' time vanished completely. My hubby had a mountain bike accident landing on a razor sharp piece of slate which cut a huge gash in his knee right through to the bone, and also had a horizontal break to his tibia. He spent 4 days in hospital having two lots of surgery to clean out the deep wound before stitiching it internally and 26 staples externally. Now trying to keep a very active man still is difficult. Once he actually realised he couldn't get around he went into sorry for himself mode and therefore (apparently) couldn't do anything for himself. My 5 year old is more self sufficient than he turned into. 4 weeks on and he's now recovering. Not right, but recovering.

And the latest venture is that I've started work. It's only an hour and a bit a day at Isabelle's school supervising lunchtimes. So now my daily routine is spent coming in and out of the house. I get a couple of hours in the morning, then work then an hour and a bit before fetching Isabelle from school. Then the running around to taxi Isabelle to her evening activities. Life is just hectic.

But as I said, I'm still alive... still aching and paining.. carpal tunnel syndrome is the current (worst) pain.. but I'm plodding on.

Hopefully I can get back to blogging with a bit more regularity and enthusiasm.

The Dragon

2010-11-20T17:24:00.001Z

Now I may be a bit biased, but my 5 year old seems to be showing some very good drawing skills for her age.

This morning she was painting flags with her dad, for no particular reason. As we live in North Wales (although none of us are actually Welsh) she goes to a Welsh School, and so she decided to paint the Welsh Flag. Have you ever noticed it? It looks like this

Isabelle asked me to draw the dragon. (I can draw, but not THAT well!!) so I got the above picture up on my laptop and suggested she copied it herself. And she did.

I have to say I was gobsmacked... particularly in the face detail. Looks like we have another little artist in the family.

Grumpy old woman!

2010-11-17T12:13:00.000Z

I am turning into a grumpy old woman!

So many things annoy me that never used to bother me... stupid things such as:

Drivers not indicating, especially when I'm sat at a junction waiting to turn right and I sit and wait for the car to go past only to see it turn left into the junction I'm waiting at, with no indication!

My hubby putting his plate in the sink when he's finished his dinner while it still has food on it so that I have to fish the food out of the plug hole afterwards so that the water drains away!

Cold callers on the phone. Bugger off I do not want your x, y, or z, otherwise I'd have phoned you. And I especially don't want your call if you're asking me about protected payment plans. We have NO credit cards, loans or anything on HP. If we can't afford it cash, we don't buy it. And don't sound so shocked when I say we don't have a credit card, that's the way hubby and I have always done things. If we had credit we'd spend it and then be in the shit finacially. The only loan we have is our mortgage, so stop wasting my time!

Back to drivers.. speed humps in the road are designed so that you can go over them at 30mph. OK, I realise you might want to go a bit slower but slowing down to 0 miles an hour when you are going up a hill that has 12 speed humps between the bottom of the hill and the top is really too much to bear, especially when you drive at 40mph between each speed hump. Get your act together!

My son and hubby filling the bin so full it all spills out of the top rather than emptying it and putting a new bin bag in. (ok that's not a new one but it annoys the hell out of me).

Asda home delivery. Whilst I love the fact that Asda deliver my groceries, is it absolutely necessary to put only one item in each carrier bag? When I'm in Asda I'm asked if I want a bag... erm, how else am I going to carry my shopping home. They are so miserly with bags in store they make you feel guilty if you ask for more bags. I always make sure each one is full, so I'm not wasting them, and I recycle them when I'm done, but the over-use of carrier bags on home deliveries is taking the piss. Out of the 20 bags of groceries I had delivered today, if they'd been packed properly I would probably only have had 10 bags at the most, maybe even less.

Parents at School!!! Is it absolutely necessary to stop on the no parking zone outside the school gate to let your child(ren) out of the car? Can't they walk more than two paces to the school gates? The street only has enough room for one car travelling in one direction at a time, so when you park in front of the gate, you hold the entire street up because you can't be arsed to park up and get out of your car. And to other parents who decide to come down the street the other way, surely you realise, after all you do it every day, that the street only has enough room for one car going in one direction with no room to pass.. so why do you insist every day on coming in the other direction causing chaos for everyone? And to the gossipy mums. I have no problem with you gossiping, take all the time in the world, but please move away from standing right in front of the school gates. No one can get in or our when you're stood there. On the occasions you have moved into the school yard, you stand just inside the gates and block the path so that other parents and their children have to walk around you and your push chairs over the muddy grass to get into school. Show a bit of courtesy and move onto the yard itself where there's billions of room. The same goes for home time too.... haven't you gossiped enough during the afternoon together?

Ok, I think that's it for now.. they're the ones bugging me the most. I feel better for that.

OOB

2010-11-15T14:55:00.000Z

OOB stands for out of the box. Sometimes when I don't feel like doing anything else, I play with my photographs. Today was one of those days. Here are the results.

All the photographs were taken by me and then 'played with' by me.

Time.. where does it go?

2010-11-08T09:48:00.003Z

Why do I never seem to have enough time? I don't go out to work so I guess I'm a stay at home mum, but good grief, I never seem to stop running about doing this that or the other.

I did however get a little bit of time to myself a week last Friday. (see .. it's well over a week ago already!) and I was invited over to a photography friends house to use his small home studio to take some photographs of Isabelle. Supplied with coffee and hints and tips on photographing a not particularly photogenic child with the attention span of a goldfish.

This is my favourite shot from the day as it really does summise Isabelle. She is a walking talking whirlwind until she decides to read a book (which she does love to do). I love the concentration on her face and the appearance that she's completely lost in the book. Kipper really is too easy for her to read these days, but she still loves it.

and I like this one because it was her own choice of pose and she's looking cute.

Fast forward a week and a bit to yesterday. My hubby, previously know as couch potato has spent the last couple of years getting fit, losing weight, stopping drinking and smoking, and started running. After a couple of half marathons, he decided to do the Hell Up North aka Hell Run through Delamere Forest. Isabelle and I were dragged along for support and praise him at the end for doing well. The run is 12 miles up hill and down dale, avoiding trees wherever possible and ending up ~~running~~ wading through the Bog Of Doom.

Isabelle and I managed to get ourselves down to the edge of the bog.. and it stank!! As the runners went through we were splattered and covered in mud, it was messy, but we managed to see Mark on his way through.

Yes he is up to his waist in mud and water, it was a bloody big puddle in the bog. And he was wearing white shorts!!!

Helping someone through the bog... nice and clean aren't they?

And then this came wading through!! Words fail me LOL it was bloody freezing cold too.

Conclusions

2010-10-28T09:51:00.003+01:00

After everything that has happened since Tuesday night, loads of phonecalls yesterday and a whirlwind going around in my head which just won't stop - and is causing lack of sleep, I think I have come to a few conclusions, and I basically have two options.

1. Take the questioning, the answering, the guilt laying, the 'you should have', and all that comes with it.

2. Walk away from it all

I phoned mum yesterday morning, afterall, she did tell me the night before she was going to kill herself. I am not the cold hearted uncaring person I am sure she and my brother percieve me to be. She was ok, but full of questions wanting answers.

The basic upshot of it all is:

She can't bear to be in the same room as my hubby. She brought up an incident 11 years ago when hubby and I first got together. It was Christmas and we'd all gone to my brothers house. Hubby (unknown to me at the time) is what's known as a binge drinker alcoholic. He didn't drink during the week, but when he was off work for any time, he would drink to excess every evening. He IS an alcoholic, but has now been t-total for 5 and a half years. Hubby decided in his drunken state to tell my mum what he thought of her and how she'd treated me. It didn't go down well obviously and everyone ended up in a state. She brought this up yesterday and told me I was wrong for not standing up for her at the time. This had all been discussed and (I thought) solved years ago.

Various other incidents were brought up which all involved hubby's alcoholism and how he abused me. Again, since he stopped drinking none of this happens anymore. That has all been dealt with over the years and threat of divorce etc due to his drinking. He is a different person sober and has changed so much for the better. Sleeping dogs will not lie however and now Mum and my youngest brother have both said they can't stand him for what he's done over the years and don't want him in the same room. A nice position for me to be in eh? considering it's a 3 hour drive to visit mum... one that I can't drive alone for various reasons (including medical)... which, according to my brother (I've since found out) are just excuses and I'm a whinger.

All through the phone call I was being asked 'why didn't you do...?' or told 'you should have done this...' I can only do what I can do based on my judgement and situation at the time. All the time she was telling me that she was seriously ill for 4 years. I am fully aware of that. She had a mental breakdown.. was treated, told she was bipolar, told she wasn't, but now insists she is again. Either way, whatever it is, I supported her the best I could. Considered her as much as possible. My actions are now being questioned. When I asked if she needed me to come over, no, she couldn't cope with anyone there, especially a child under 5. I didn't go. She had dr's and nurses visiting, my brother, my aunt and various other people, I thought there were enough people to care for her. Now it seems that I should have rented a flat near her house for a month or so, just so she knew I was near if she needed me. I should have over-ruled her decision for me not to go and gone anyway. WHAT?

She has gaping holes in her memory of the last 4 years, which I can understand. When you suffer a breakdown, one day rolls into another and you don't remember things or situations. I have suffered with depression on and off for over 20 years. I have fibromyalgia which can immobalise me at times. I am an emotional wreck and am currently on medication for anxiety and depression. I am not a coper, especially when it comes to me having to justify myself. But when I said this, it was met with, but that's nothing to what I've gone through. Nowhere near. Maybe it's not. As far as I'm concerned, it's not a competition as to who has been the worst medically. I was trying to explain that things can be difficult for me too because of medical reasons. To which the reply was, when you were sick as a single parent with two young children I came straight over to help. Where were you when I needed help?

Oh it went on and on, I tried to fill in some of the gaping voids and explaining situations that she had no recollection of or had got totally wrong in her head, and that decisions had been made with her being foremost in the decision making to ensure things were the least stressful for her.

But I now feel that I can't justify myself and my decisions over the last however many years of my life any longer. My life and my decisions have been mine. Rightly or wrongly made they were made for a reason at the time and I dealt with the consequences. I feel that now my mum is trying to go through a big therapy session to solve her life through, in particular, me and my middle brother, or more.. his wife. It isn't just me this is happening to. My sister in law has just had mum over for the weekend and told her a few truths. This led to the killing herself phone call from mum. My elder daughter is also involved in this. But what mum can't see, is that she is the common denominator in all this. All her immediate family are involved. We all feel the same way, we're all being put through the mill because my mum has decided that things need discussing. I know that there are still more things she wants to discuss.. it's looming over me but I can't take any more of it. It is taking over me. It's all I can think about and it's not fair. My hubby's point of view? Why are we all still pandering to her like we always have? She's no longer depressed by her own admission. She's trying to sort herself out and she has a cuckoo land idea of what her family should be. And it's not the way she wants it to be so she's trying to change it.

She is behaving like a spoiled brat stomping her feet because she's not getting her own way. But for me there is no happy medium. I'm not prepared to do the 3 hour each way drive once a month and stay for the weekend without my hubby because that's what my mum wants. But if I remain in contact with her, I will constantly be told she needs to see me. She even said we can stay in a hotel somewhere for the weekend just so that we can spend time together.. her, me and Isabelle. She said she's not making me choose between her and my hubby, but she's made it clear that he's not welcome in anything that involves her and myself.

I need to write to mum to say a few things. I can't think quick enough on the phone. I don't like confrontation. And having had at least 4 confrontational phone calls with her, I really can't deal with any more. But how do I write without being accusing and saying it's her fault, even by implication? I don't want to upset her, especially when her emotions are all over the place. But in the interim, she has no idea what I'm having to deal with. And even when I did say I was struggling to cope with it all, she said 'Well I've had to deal with it for years and I'm trying to sort everything out now.'

Having written all this to try and get it out of my head and sort some kind of sense, it's becoming more and more clear what my only option is. I just need to work out a way to go about it. I don't like hurting or upsetting people, I put other peoples feelings first.. to a fault.. but I'm not prepared to live with a whirlwind in my head and my self esteem plummeting lower than it already is.. if that's possible.

novel? if only it were

2010-10-27T01:01:00.001+01:00

Hubby was late home and she and her young daughter had already finished eating dinner when he got home. She started to wash the dishes mulling the day over. It had been a rough week what with her daughter having a stomach bug and then her. For the best part of a week someone or other had been throwing up. It looks like the bug had finally left.

She was up to her armpits in soap suds when the phone rang. Surely hubby would get it afterall, he was in the living room whilst she was washing up. No. Her young daughter came running through to the kitchen with the phone in her hand. In her hurry, her little girl dropped the toy she was playing with and started wailing I've lost it, I've lost it. She anwered the phone with a 'just a second', she found the toy and handed it back and picked up the phone again. 'Sorry about that' had to sort a major catastrophe out'. It was 7.15pm.

A voice on the other end of the phone spoke. A female voice, it was her mother who had been to stay at her daughter-in-law's for a couple of days. Her mother said.. "what did I say to your eldest daughter on her birthday that upset her?" What? she said. That was back in June.. hold on, I can't think... although she did wonder what had happened to the words hello, how are you? Oh, she said, i think it was something about her getting a motorbike and some comment you made. Her mother replied.. I can't take this anymore, (in tears) why do you all hate me so much, I'm going to kill myself and hung up.

WHAT????

Her mother lives a 3 hour drive away and she'd just said she was going to go and kill herself. She stood in shock, looking at the phone in her hand. Had she heard right? Yes she had. Panic!! What was she to do? Phone the police? What? What was she supposed to do? her mother had been in a poor mental state on and off for 4 years, but it had never been this bad. She phoned her brother who hadn't spoken to her since a previous argument with her mother a couple of months before. She told him what had been said and told him to get round there to her mother's house quick. He could be there in 10 minutes. Still in a panic she phoned her mother back and was relieved to hear her pick the phone up. Don't do anything, she said to her mother. I might as well, she replied, but your aunt is coming round. Thanks for being my daughter, and hung up again.

She was in floods of tears now and didn't know what to do. What would the next phonecall entail?

She waited a couple of hours and phoned her brother back, who didn't go round but phoned and was told someone was coming to see their mother. He had spoken to her again and she was ok, she told him. She had calmed down some and was ok.

The worry is, that her mother lives alone and no one is staying with her tonight. It's going to be a long night, hence typing this at almost 1am.

No it's not a novel.. this actually happened to me tonight, and I don't really know what to do.

Whispered words

2010-10-26T10:03:00.000+01:00

Still fast asleep at 7.15 in the morning, I feel a gentle kiss on the cheek and a whisper in my ear, Mum... is my bum clean? I open my eyes in the still dark bedroom with just the landing light on to see my 5 year old bent over, bum in the air and definately NOT clean.

The poor girl had spent the two nights previous, throwing up for England. She'd complained of tummy ache and couldn't settle and asked if I'd stay with her. So we lay down in my bed for a snuggle and the apparent stomach cramps eased after Milk of Magnesia and calpol. She drifted off to sleep and I left her in my bed thinking I'd move her when she was fully asleep. Half an hour later I heard a little cry but then silence. Mummy instinct kicked in so I went to check if she was ok. She'd thrown up all over.. projectile all over, my double bed! Full bed change and two more of the same, and she settle off again on a bed covered in towels. Several more episodes successfully caught in the bowl meant my poor baby was now empty, or so I thought. No, then the other end kicked into gear. Oh dear.

She was like this all the next day, and that night and the following day.

Then the next morning she was better. Just like that! Back to normal and hungry. Thank god for that.... except... I started that night. Despite my dilligence with bleach, antibacterial handwash and hand sanitiser, I still got it. It wiped me out. Yesterday I had to phone my hubby to come home from work. I couldn't function. I was so tired from being up two nights in a row with Isabelle and the following night myself. Hubby got home and complained. He was so busy at work, he went on and on, and I ended up in tears. I'm sorry I'm sick, I can't help it I said.. I can't look after Isabelle.

The thing that annoyed me the most was I never ever phone him to come home from work. Well I say never ever, the only time in 11 years that I've had to ask him to come home from work was when I fell down the stairs 4 years ago and thought I'd broken my leg, I needed taking to hospital because I couldn't even walk! So I just went to bed and fell asleep at 1pm. I woke up at 6pm! I thought oh no that's buggered me for a nights sleep.. but no. I slept from 11pm until 7am this morning when Isabelle woke me up.

Thankfully I do feel a lot better this morning, albeit a bit light headed, but that's probably because I've not eaten in 2 days. Coffee stayed down this morning.. phew!

So hopefully it's all gone and I hope to god Mark doesn't get it. I may have to kill him. He doesn't suffer quietly or go to bed like anyone else does. He lays on the sofa in full moan mode, complaining and groaning for everyone to hear. Please.. don't let Mark get it!!

The Gallery - Red

2010-10-20T12:19:00.000+01:00

This week's promt for the Gallery from Tara at Sticky Fingers is RED

I had a good think on what to use, and opted for the slightly ghoulish (halloween coming up remember) strawberry with added bite. I photographed the strawberry and then used a photograph I found on the internet of a large bitey fish and merged the teeth with the strawberry..

Musical Taste? or lack of?

2010-10-14T18:24:00.000+01:00

I have a rather eclectic musical taste. It's very varied.. sometimes bizarre. Sometimes heavy, sometimes smooth and soulful, sometimes just odd.

My teen years were in the colourful 80's full of new romantics, and to fit in with the school crowd, I had to go along with that, although really I loved rock.. heavy rock.

I've been on a memory lane on you tube finding songs that I love, or mean something to me, or both. So I thought I'd share them, in no particular order, other than the order I listened to them, here are a selection of my faves. Please listen and enjoy.. or just turn the sound off and think my god she's bonkers!

Musical taste, or lack of... part I

Oasis - Don't look back in anger

Radiohead - Creep

Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire

Guns n Roses - November Rain

Bon Jovi Wanted (Dead or Alive) this one still gives me tingles as soon as I hear the intro. It was the first thing I ever heard my now hubby play on the guitar.

Bon Jovi (again) - Dry County. Poignant words and the best guitar solo ever

Metallica (with the San fransico philharmonic orchestra). It shouldn't work, but it does.

More to follow.....

Why do I.... ?

2010-10-13T22:55:00.000+01:00

Why do I feel guilty or embarassed to talk about it? I shouldn't be. I'm very proud of it, but it's something I don't often talk about, especially in real life. A post Jen made at TheMadHouse made me think. She asked the question What do you do when your children are bright?

I have a very bright 5 year old daughter. I don't mean that I think she's bright, everyone she meets thinks she's bright. But it's not just bright, it's quite shocking sometimes just how clever she is. She is the baby in her class as her birthday is mid July. When she went back to school to start year 1 in September, my little girl who had just turned 5 was attending birthdays of children who were turning 6. She has been put in a class of year 1 and year 2 children and is coping extremely well. She is a very friendly little girl who gets along with anyone. She has the emotions of a typical 5 year old and is prone to the odd temper tantrum when she doesn't get her own way at home, but no more than any other child of her age. She does prefer to mix with children older than herself, so I guess being in a class with 7 year olds works well for her. Her vocabulary is amazing and can hold a conversation with an adult, often questioning them and often causing surprise with the level of understanding she has. She loves space and anything to do with the planets and will sit and tell you what most of the planets are made of, how hot or cold they are and their size. She has a map of the world on the wall and I put small post it notes on each of the main countries, took them off and asked her to put them back in the right places. She did it, replacing about 15 post its with the names on, in the right countries. Is this normal for a 5 year 3 month old? I don't know. I don't really have a measuring stick to go by. I can't talk about it with other mums, it's too difficult. They either snub you or make excuses to move away from you ending the conversation.

Tonight was parents evening. She got a glowing report even though she's only been in that class 5 weeks. She is doing maths with the year 2's and doesn't struggle at all. By the end of this year she is supposed to know her 10x's table and 2x's table. She knows them already, and her 5's and can also do her 3's and 4's although she does have to stop and think a bit sometimes. She can count a handful of coins correctly. She counted £1.75 in various coins the other day. I asked her if I paid £8 for something with a £10 note how much change would I get? She said £2 right away and followed up with if i'd bought 2 lots it would cost £16 worked out in her head.

Her reading is way ahead of her age. She seems to be able to read and understand anything. Mark has just finished reading Charlie and The Chocolate Factory with her. She read it and understood it. Apparently her spelling is also well above her age level. Her writing has improved vastly of late, but her muscles aren't developed enough to cope with what she expects to be able to write. We have quite a lot of problems with frustration, particularly with her drawing. She is very good at drawing for her age, but she is too harsh on herself. She sees the image in her head but isn't pysically advanced enough to transfer it to paper and she gets cross and angry with herself because it doesn't look right to her, she says it's rubbish and throws it away.

She is on the high achievers register (as they call it at school) so they are aware of her ability and she does get extra tuition at a level she can cope with. Luckily her teacher is the high achievers teacher anyway so she is fully aware of what Isabelle is capable of or not.

The comments from parents evening is that she is a lovely, kind, caring little girl with a great sense of humour. She can make the teachers laugh at the drop of a hat but it's humour with intelligence rather than clowning about and being stupid. Her teacher and teaching assistant absolutely adore her, yet I know that they take no messing and will pull anyone into line that needs it.

I suppose this post is a little brag really that I can't do in real life. I don't have high expectations of her or put pressure on her. I want her to be 5 and enjoy life, but she questions constantly and wants to know more.. and more... and more. She absorbs everything and still asks for more. I wonder how long before she pushes my intelligence to the limit and I can no longer answer her questions.

I'm don't for a minute think she's the next child prodigy, or a genius, but I do know that she is clever... high achiever? Gifted? I don't know... but I am glad that the school are aware of her capabilities and are prepared to push her that bit harder - she loves a challenge, but she seems to be finding the challenges fairly easy at the moment.

The Gallery - Favourite photo

2010-10-13T20:46:00.000+01:00

Choose your favourite photograph says Tara at Sticky Fingers. Does she realise how many photographs I have to choose from? Each and every photograph is a favourite for one reason or other.

I could choose my bald eagle photograph which has been very successful for me in competitions. I could choose my current favourite motorbike racing shot or I could choose any of the numerous photographs of my children.

I opted for a different photo for a different reason. I chose a my favourite photo of me and my dad, the reason being, I can still see any of the rest of my family but I can no longer see my dad. If I could only save one photograph in a house fire, it would be this one. It sits in a frame on the shelf in the living room. He watches over me all day and night. He is always there even though he's not here. I could never re-take this photograph or any other photograph of my Dad, whereas I could take more photographs of the rest of my family.

My Dad was my world, he made me who I am. He gave me good morals, rationalisation, world knowledge, he taught me how to care, he taught me to be a kind and compassionate person. We were very close. And in my adult life I have learned that I have taken the best parts of a very wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person. He made me who I am, yet I can no longer thank him in person.

So, my favourite photo: I am about 8 months old I think.

It's been a weekend of bikes

2010-10-10T23:09:00.000+01:00

My favourite way to spend a weekend. But I'll go with the proud mummy moment first.

Isabelle was 5 in July and is one of the most un-coordinated kids I've ever known LOL. She's very clever, but she was at the back of the queue for co-ordination. She loves riding her bike but she's almost too big for it. She does have another bike that hubby l~~ost his marbles and~~ bought off ebay which is way too big for her. So I decided that as it was such a lovely sunny day we'd take the stabilisers off her bike and take her to the park and see how she went. She got on the bike and took off as if she'd been riding without stabilisers for ever. She could just do it really easy after the first few tentative pedals whilst concentrating. I'm so proud of her and when I told her I was she said "thanks" and grinned. So that's it, she's off.. looks like Santa might have to stump up some cash for a bike that's the right size for her now.

And on Saturday it was my day. My day to go to the race track at Oulton Park to watch the British Superbikes. The sound, the smell, the feel of fast motorbikes roaring round the fantastic Oulton Park and to be able to take photographs of these bikes is my idea of Saturday heaven. Never mind a spa and pampering.. take me to the bike racing!!

It's the final round of the British Superbikes, and we've watched it all year, so it was really exciting.

Isabelle's day was made by Ryuichi Kiyonari on the HM Plant Honda. He's now the British Superbike Champion after winning today. On the victory lap, Isabelle (who was wearing her HM Plant Honda t-shirt) was waving like mad at all the bikers going round. Kiyonari waved to her. We know it was to her because we were stood alone at the side of the track. She was overjoyed that he waved at HER.

And I just got to take photographs of young lads in leather racing around on throbbing motorbikes.. ahhh bliss.

And before I bore you all to death, if you want to see more of my photographs from the superbikes CLICK HERE

I have more to edit, when/if I get chance... but sadly the superbike season is now over, so I guess I've got until May to get them done when the season starts again [sigh]

Hellrun up North

2010-10-05T15:44:00.000+01:00

5 years ago, my hubby was an alcholic. He was 3 stone over weight and smoked 40 cigarettes a day and rarely moved off the sofa. He was 35 years old. 5 years down the line he is a 40 year old tee-total non smoker who weighs about right for his height and is extremely fit for a man of his age. He has completed a 10k run, a half marathon, cycles at least 20 miles a day and runs 3 times a week. He is training for a marathon, which he was going to do in May this year until a football accident buggered his knee up. His knee is slowly recovering and he is now in training for a marathon next year.

However, his next event is on November the 7th. He is going to run the Hell Run up North. This is 11 miles through Delamere Forest through rivers streams and mud, ending up running through the bog of doom. He is trying to raise cash for childrens cancer charity but only has £20 so far. He'd love to raise more! I'll post donations details in a minute, but first take a quick glimps at the hell run from last year.

I know everyone is short of money and I know everyone is asking for some cash for a million and one charities all over the place. But if you can spare a few £'s only, we'd really appreciate your donation. If you can't spare any cash, perhaps you could give my post here a mention?

To donate, please CLICK HERE

Thanks

Autumnal Morning

2010-10-04T11:54:00.001+01:00

I've been somewhat withdrawn and a bit insular just lately. I've had lot of emotional stuff to deal with. A cancer scare for my 25 yr old daughter which thankfully is not cancerous, has been dealt with and she's now got the all clear. The problems and fallout with my mum, who phoned last week after a month of not speaking. The phone call was very emotional, we both said a lot of things that needed saying, but she still can't see things from my point of view and I'm really not sure how I feel now. We've not spoken in over a week, but I know I'll be in bother for not phoning, but to be honest, right now I have nothing to say.

My son came to the end of his apprenticeship and qualified with an HNC in Engineering, but they didn't keep him on. So he's now jobless and really doesn't seem to be bothered about getting a job, despite me laying the law down. Ultimatum time is coming for him!

I have had a horrid fibromyalgia flare, which wipes me out. My back and hips are so flippin' painful, but I'm trying to keep going without complaining too much. Hubby (who does no housework jobs normally) has obviously noticed I'm in pain, he's washed the dishes three times this week!! That is more than he's washed them in the entire 12 years we've been together.

I've also decided it's time for Isabelle to learn the concept of money. She's costing quite a bit lately even though she's only 5. The ice-cream van comes around every night, but I've always had the rule that she can only have an ice-cream from the van on a Saturday. We have ice lollies and ice-cream in the freezer and I'll be buggered if I'm paying £1 a night for one from the ice-cream van. She complains, but she knows it won't work. But now, for her to be able to have an ice-cream from the van on a Saturday, she has to earn some pocket money. It also gives her a bit of money for if we go somewhere or she wants some sweets at the weekend. We decided that £1.50 is plenty for her, and I also put 50p away for her to save. So she has to do some jobs to earn her £1.50 (which doesn't actually go that far considering an ice-cream is £1). She has to bring the waste food bin back into the garden when it's been emptied on a monday. She also has to stack the cartons of milk up in the cupboard when the asda delivery has been. And now I've added helping to dry the dishes to her jobs when she's asked. It's not every night yet, but it will be eventually. So on Friday night (my back was bad) I said hubby and son were on dishes duty and Isabelle could help dry and put away. She knows where all the dishes go, in fact she knows better than hubby. Well, the noise coming from the kitchen was immense. I had to laugh to myself. I could hear "this is the worst job in the world EVER! I hate doing this job. Please give me a different job to do.. I'll do anything.. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! Isabelle fussed and cried and shouted and went on and on LOL. She did do it on the threat of no pocket money, and it's something she has to get used to, but my god she put up a protest LOL.

Evenings are getting a bit busy now and I feel like an unpaid taxi driver. Not that I mind Isabelle attending things. It's good for her socially, especially as her closest sibling is 15 years older than her. Monday she has swimming lessons, Tuesday is gardening club after school, Wednesday is a free night (at the moment) Thursday is Rainbows which she started 3 weeks ago and absolutely loves. I've just had to buy her a Rainbows uniform. It's no longer a tabard for £8 like it used to be.. oh no... jogging trousers, t-shirt and hoodie.. in RED with Rainbows log on. Jeez! I managed to get a second hand set off ebay for £17.50. Much cheaper than the almost £50 a new set costs.

So this morning after a busyish week and weekend, I took some time for myself (trying to ignore the guilt of I should be tidying up after the weekend, it looks like a bomb dropped in the house) and took my thinking-it-had-been-forgotten camera out into the garden. The Autum early morning sun was beautiful. I looked out into the garden and had a rather random thought, that how beautiful the cobwebs around the garden looked in the sunlight. Rather an odd thing to thing, but they did. So I took my camera outside and took these photographs. If you dont like spiders, don't scroll down to the third photograph!

One of my favourite flowers - my Fuchsia's

Having an early morning wash

God only knows what this spider is eating for it's breakfast!

The things my 5 year old comes out with...

2010-09-30T16:44:00.000+01:00

Having to older children (20 and 25) I've been through pretty much anything a kid can throw at you ... or so I thought. Then I had Isabelle who is now 5. She is such an inquisitive child, very bright and makes me laugh. Lately, her questions are getting harder to answer.. such as..

Mum, when is the earth's birthday? not how old is it.. what is the date of it's birthday

Mum, did you know there are 7 digits in a million? me [blank look.. checks google] yes Isabelle, you're right, well done

after talking about religion at school... Mum.. who made God?

Muuuum.. if there's a Timbuktu what happened to Timbuk-one?

She's only just turned 5 in July!! What am I gonna do? lol

There was also a couple of conversations with her dad..

I: Daddy, now you're 40, you're very old.
Daddy: 40's not very old.
I: Well, you're not exactly young are you (disdain on her face).
Daddy: But Mummy is older than me
I: Yes, but Mummy is still young, You're very old now.

and the one I almost wet myself laughing about

I: Daddy, why are you growing a beard? You really do need to shave.
Daddy: I'm growing it because I like it.
(mummy's voice from the background) Tiz, he's turning into a wookie.
I: (very loud laughter) Daddy, you do look like a wookie. Why do you want to look like a wookie?
Daddy: I'm NOT turning into a wookie, I just like to have a goatee beard.
I: Well, you definately look like a wookie. And you've got hairy ears, wookies have hairy ears, Daddy is a wookie, daddeeeee is a wookeeeeeee. Will we have to call you Chewbacca?

and finally an awwww moment

I: Mummy, why did your mum and dad call you Ann-Marie?
Me: Because they thought it was a nice name. Don't you?
I: Yes, but they could have given you a better name.
Me: Oh? Can you think of a better name for me?
I: Yes. They should have called you Angel

Best Comedy of all time?

2010-09-29T17:58:00.000+01:00

Heather over at Note From Lapland suggested that The Office was the best Comedy Series of All Time. [shaking my head]. Clearly, Heather has lost the plot. Ricky Gervais is one of the most annoying people in the world ever.

Heather seems to have forgotten all about Blackadder! Which is obviously THE best comedy series of all time, is timeless and can be watched over and over again.

Edmund Blackadder goes through the ages as a male housekeeper and personal assistant, including to Queen Elizabeth I.

Classic lines from the show are sheer genius and are usually aimed at the hapless, brainless Baldric. Lines such as:

Baldrick used the line 'I have a cunning plan' in every episode. The cunning plan was always useless.

Blackadder; You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it came and danced naked on a harpsichord singing cunning plans are here again.

Blackadder: Baldrick. Your brain is so tiny, that if a hungry cannibal were to crack your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Blackadder: I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel

Edmund on Cousin MacAdder: "He's mad! He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of this year's Mr Madman competition."

Blackadder: this is the most useless thing since the book 'how to learn french' was translated to french.

Blackadder: i believe the phrase rhymes with.... clucking bell.

"Baldrick, an eternity in the company of Beelzebub and his instruments of torture will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me, and this pencil!"

I could go on all day, but won't. The dry humour and sarcasm is pure genius. All lines are delivered with such seriousness but are hilarious. I don't know how they managed to keep a straight face. Rowan Atkinson deserves several awards for his acting in Blackadder. The other characters are also amazing. The entire cast must have had such a laugh filming the 4 series of Blackadder. I'd love to see the outtakes!!

So - skip The Office and go and watch Blackadder!

Sold a photo...

2010-09-14T23:01:00.000+01:00

Wow, how long is it since I last made a blog post?

I've had so much going on in my head I've not really had anything to say out loud in the blogisphere if you know what I mean. I have too much on my mind and I need to sort it out before I can make a rational blog post. Lets just say that at the moment I am like a swan. Looking calm and serene on the surface, but under the water I'm paddling like buggery against a strong current!

Anyway, something happened tonight that has really lifted my mood and made me smile.

Anyone who knows me, or reads my blog from time to time, will know about my love of photography, and in particular, photographing the British Superbikes when they come to Oulton Park (due again in October and I can't wait!).

Tonight I got an email from a guy called Martin Jessop. Martin Jessop rides in the British Superbikes for a team called (long winded name alert) ridersmotorcycles.com Ducati. He'd seen a photograph I took of him on flickr and asked if he could have a copy. Firstly, I was shocked because I'd had an email from Martin Jessop.. and secondly, I thought, oh no, how can I charge him for a photograph of himself. I wrote back and asked if he wanted the image emailing or if he wanted a print. I explained that I'd have to charge for the print and include P&P. He wrote back, and wants a print and paid straight away through paypal.. woohoo.

So now I need to get it printed off and posted to him. I am so chuffed to bits because out of all the photographs I've taken, to have a professional biker and racer like one of my shots enough to buy one means the world to me.

Funnily enough, it happens to be one of my favourites too.

It's been a long 7 weeks

2010-09-02T14:52:00.000+01:00

I'm sure there will be hundreds of back to school blog posts today, but here's another one.

Isabelle was finally 5 years old in July. She is the absolute baby of her year. Some of the children in her class start to turn 6 in a couple of weeks. I am very proud to say that she was at the top of her class all last year, even though it was reception class and was put on the high achievers register in her school.

She has enjoyed being home over the holidays but she has really really missed being at school. She's a child of routine. When her routine changes, she struggles a bit to adjust and to cope. After a week she started to ask how many days is it till I can go back to school? She did go to the free playscheme, but she wasn't learning. She loves to learn. She needs to keep her brain active and occupied. She's created, drawn and written so many things. I have almost a full ream of paper that she's drawn pictures on and refuses to throw away. I shall be filtering those over the next few days and will keep the best ones in our memory box.

The silence this morning was bliss after I dropped her at school to start year one. I walked back into the house and exhaled.. and thought ahhhhh the quiet. But now I'm bored. I miss the chitter chatter, the bouncing on and off the sofa, the questions, the constant talking, but it's ten minutes until I pick her up to find out all about her day in a new class, her new friends, her new teachers etc. I'm sure by the morning I'll be more than ready to take her back to school again LOL.

I managed to get a photograph of her where she isn't gurning or pulling faces with a natural smile. This is a very very rare occasion. She goofs for the camera. She waits until she hears the focus beep and then pulls a face. But this is a photograph of my smiling, pretty little girl with no grimacing.

It's official.. I'm a ...

2010-09-01T16:43:00.000+01:00

OK, it's official! I am a very sad case and there is no hope for me. I've just got all excited because I had a twitter reply from Gino D'Acampo.

I've had various tweets from people from TV albeit minor celebs. Robert Llewellin (aka Kryten from Red Dwarf) Danny John-Jules (aka The Cat from Red Dwarf - in fact I've had several 'conversations' with him on twitter), Suzi Perry (gadget show and motogp commentary), Jason Bradbury (gadget show), Mark Blundell (ex Formula 1 driver) and Gok Wan (if you don't know who he is.. you should LOL)

But today Gino announced he's doing a voice over for an iPhone app he's bringing out in October. I told him I don't have an iPhone but would buy one just to listen to him. He tweeted back and said Grazie Bella xxxxx (note the kisses on the end?) swoon.

I've always had a bit of a sweet spot for Gino and even though I can't abide I'm a celebrity get me out of here, when he was on it last year, I couldn't help but watch it. He was walking around half naked, all muscly.... etc.. very sexist I know but hey.. who cares LOL.

So then he posted this picture on twitter saying he was all done for the day and was now relaxing. How am I supposed to go and cook dinner now??

Hung up

2010-08-26T14:08:00.001+01:00

A bit of a doom and gloom post, so if you don't want to read it, no problem. I just need to get it off my chest.

I'm so tired of trying to do my best, keep everyone happy and ending up being wrong yet again.

I moved away from my home town.. 3 hours drive away... 21 years ago. My mum and one of my brother's lives in my home town still. My other brother lives 5 hours away from me, 2 hours away from our home town. We've moved on, got families and are living our lives. We make trips back home as and when time and money allows it. We all try to get together at least once a year at Mum's house, twice if we can co-ordinate it, but we always meet up a couple of weeks before Christmas to swap presents and see each other. There's always an argument from mum about us being with her at Christmas, but with young kids (Isabelle is 5) it's so difficult to do, and also spoils the magic of Christmas for her. Anyway, I digress.

A couple of months ago, Mark booked the last week in August off work for his holiday. We compromised on the holiday and split his time off into two sections. One for Isabelle and my benefit of days out staying in a hotel and the second part of the week for Mark to go off on his motorbike with a one man tent so he can do his hunter-gatherer thing and walk up mountains. Everyone is happy. Then I got an unexpected phone call on the Friday evening from my mum saying she was going into hospital on the following Monday night for a knee replacement operation. She'd be in hospital for 4 days, coming home on the Friday, the day before we went on our holiday. I tried to work out a way to go and see her. Because of the timing of everything, it would have to be the Sunday (this Sunday coming) for the following reasons.

Mark will be away Thursday to Saturday. My 20 yr old son will be away Thursday to Monday at the Leeds festival. I had a Drs appointment this morning, and a hospital appointment tomorrow morning (Friday).

I phoned Mum twice a day while she was in hospital, and then twice a day when she was home, despite us being on holiday. I sent a text when we got home late on Tuesday night to say we were home safe and had had a good time.

When I got up the next morning there was a text sent at 12.45am from Mum saying she was struggling and could I go over for a few days. I didn't notice I'd got the text until later and was out at the time so couldn't phone her, so I sent a text back, explaining the above, plus there would be no one to feed the cat and rabbit until Saturday night at least. I can't leave them for 3-4 days without them being fed, and my neighbour who would normally do it is also away. Mum didn't reply to my text. I had told her I would phone later that night, but let her know that I had an evening photoshoot and might not be back till late evening. When I got back, Isabelle had got upset over something and wouldn't calm down. It took me ages to settle her and by this time it was 10pm. I text mum to see if she was still awake, no reply. So I phoned this morning to receive a telling off. I'm 42 but felt like a 4 year old who'd been a naughty girl.

Despite me phoning twice a day for the past week and a bit, she told me I never phone her (past history - and had been discussed) unless I needed councelling. She told me next time I need to complain, phone a councellor and not her. She then complained that she'd asked for Isabelle and I to go on holiday with her for a few days, but didn't happen. I told her at the time that I couldn't drive the 3 or 4 hours necessary on my own. I have huge anxiety and panic attacks when I have to drive any distance and especially somewhere I don't know. I've also had a meltdown and had to go on anti-depressants to calm me down a bit so I can deal with sorting myself out. She dismissed all that. She then told me that she'd not received a get well card from me. I told her it's in the car ready to be posted, but we've been on holiday.. she told me not to bother posting it, she didn't want it. And she told me not to come on Sunday because she doesn't want to see me and hung up the phone.

To her, I suppose they look like excuses, but they are all genuine reasons. I didn't mean to upset or hurt her. I've supported her in the best way I can, but it's not good enough. Apparently instead of just telling her I couldn't come over and giving reasons, I should have asked if there is anything I could do. I should have asked if I could call the Dr or something. Should I? It never crossed my mind to be honest. My sister-in-law visits in the morning, my brother in the evening and my aunt who lives two minutes from my mum around the corner drops in at various times and is on call if necessary. She also has paid home help twice a week. If she needed the Dr, surely she would have asked one of them to call or she could have called herself. She's only 63 and is no way senile. So I'm still trying to understand why I was expected to ask if there was anything I could do when I live a 3 hour drive away.

I must be missing the point somewhere. Was I expected to cancel our holiday and drop everything to go and stay with Mum? I thought there were enough people around her to care for her and help with anything she might need. It was all so last minute too. I didn't know about the op until the Friday night, she wouldn't be out of hospital until the following Friday - the day before our booked and paid for holiday.

I'm very upset and hurt by what she said on the phone to me this morning. It's not true I only phone for councelling. I'm stuck in the middle when trying to plan visits. My mum and my hubby don't get on and hubby doesn't want to visit, he only goes because he knows I can't do the drive on the motorways. I also have fits and although I'm ok to drive because I've not had one in over a year, they come on for no reason. What if I'm on the motorway when I have one with just me and Isabelle in the car? Mum just thinks it's an excuse, but it's not, it's a real anxiety and sends me into such a state, I can't function. So visits to mum's are a bit limited, but a three hour each way drive makes for a long day with a couple of hours visit in the middle of the drive, or an over-night stay. Add the cost of the petrol and an extremely grumpy hubby doesn't make things easy.

The more I sit here thinking about it all, the angrier I'm getting at the things said to me. I've never been good enough.. should have done better, should have done more. Any success seems to have been met negativity, it wasn't good enough or my decisions questioned. Even aged 42 I'm still being told that my decisions are wrong, I should have done differently, or I should be doing things that I haven't thought of. I was sure that I'm a caring and considerate person, sometimes been called for being too considerate and thinking of others before myself and my own welfare and always putting myself last. So to be called for doing something to the best of my ability given the circumstances really hurts, especially when it comes from my own mother.

So I'm sitting here sad and feeling lonely, with only Isabelle for company until Saturday. Mark won't phone while he's on his hunter-gatherer holiday as he doesn't have a mobile phone, and he's highly unlikely to use a phone box. So I'll sit and fester away on the words that made me sad until I can put it out of my mind and get over it.

Where do I go from here with my mum? I'm too emotional to phone her to try and discuss things rationally, and she's not generally a rational person anyway. I can't email, it's too impersonal, so my only option is to write her a letter. But i feel that if I'm writing to her, I'll be justifying myself to her for my life and my actions and decisions. Am I wrong? I'm not sure what I need to apologise for except for not being there in person although circumstantially, it wasn't possible.

I don't know :(

You're grumpy!

2010-08-11T17:24:00.000+01:00

Picture the scene in our house last night

6 o'clock, hubby is due home, although it can be anywhere between 5.30 and 6.30 so timing dinner is always difficult. Guaranteed if I cook it for 5.45 he'll be home at 6.30. If I plan to cook it for 6.30, guaranteed he'll be home at 5.30 and starving.

So last night I started cooking a grill up (same as a fry up but everything is grilled) at 6pm. 6.10pm hubby walks in, shouts hello and goes and sits at his computer. I find this really annoying and Isabelle goes nuts saying Daddy, Daddy, Daddy over and over again because hubby being the stereotypical male can't do more than one thing at once. He can't read and listen at the same time. He's been selling stuff on ebay and has spent hours and hours and hours sat at the computer every single night for 2 weeks! I shout dinner is ready. son, hubby and Isabelle sit to eat their dinner. I start to cook more bacon for myself as there wasn't enough room to cook bacon for everyone and fry my egg. Just as I dish mine up, hubby is finished and heads out to the garage to wrap up whatever needs posting from his ebay sales. I eat my dinner and then go and wash the dishes. I bath Isabelle and get her ready for bed. Hubby is still in the garage, so I take Isabelle to bed, read her story and settle her down. I come downstairs and tidy up, then sit on the sofa with a coffee. Hubby walks into the house, picks up his iPod and sits on the opposite sofa playing with said iPod and then says... "you're grumpy". I look blankly back at him. How the hell does he know what I am? We've not even spent two minutes in the same room since he got home from work. I say, I'm not grumpy, I'm fine. He says "what"? He can't play with iPod and listen at the same time. I repeat, I'm not grumpy, I'm fine. He says "sorry, what did you say". I say, yes I'm bloody grumpy I'm sick of being ignored and then told that I'm grumpy for no reason. Now I have a reason to be grumpy, deal with it.

Airshow

2010-08-09T15:16:00.000+01:00

As a kid my dad used to take our family to Airshows as we lived fairly close to RAF Dinninton (I think), but the last one I can recall, I was about 7 years old. On Saturday I was told that there was going to be an airshow over a beach local to us, about 20 minutes drive away, and it was free!

Cue charging camera batteries. So off we went.

The first display was the Red Arrows! Wow! if you've never seen them live before, you really do need to. Their display and skill was stunning! Even my hard to impress hubby was impressed.

The wing walkers must be completely bonkers! Isabelle's favourite bit was the RAF parachute team. 10 guys all jumped out of the plane at the same time and chuted down in a tower like line. Great day, but very few photographs.. planes are a bit faster than motorbikes that I usually photograph lol

Here's a few from the day, and one of Isabelle doing her newly found most favourite thing.. bungee trampolining

Phew, what a relief!

2010-08-09T11:09:00.001+01:00

Hubby has a week off at the end of the month and wanted to go away. Me, being bank manager and financial consultant had to make plans and save whatever money we will need, and put it away for 3 weeks so we don't spend it. There's never enough month left at the end of the money, so this had to be done as we don't have a financial backup. No credit card, no overdraft.. nothing. If we don't have the cash, we have to go without. We've always been this way and although it's a pain in the rear sometimes, especially if something goes wrong or needs fixing, it works for us.

So hubby set off about what he wanted to do for his holiday week. A week mountaineering and kyaking... erm, if that's what you want, you'll have to go alone! Various options were discussed and the outcome was that he wanted to go to Cornwall camping. Now hubby has no idea about logistics for this to happen. He thinks that we can just drive on down there and camp where we like without booking anywhere, and doesn't like to be tied to having to be in a certain place if he doesn't like it. So to camp in Cornwall at the busiest peak week of the summer without booking just isn't going to happen.

So me in my over-anxious state at the moment was getting really and I mean REALLY worked up about it already. I'd have to pack everything for the three of us for a week, work money out etc etc, because hubby thinks that as soon as he's on holiday from work.. he's on holiday.. aka.. do bugger all.

Due to my current physical state I was beginning to get really worried about how my muscles and joints would cope with camping in such a cold and damp environment. Lets face it, summer is crap again and it gets so cold at night, and this set my anxiety off to another level. And to be honest, I just couldn't stretch the money far enough. Once I'd worked out how much petrol money, camp site fees and food for the week, there was barely anything left for spending and doing things. Hubby is a very materialistic person and wouldn't spend a week chilling out at a campsite. He has to be doing things and going places all the time.. this all equals money.

The other problem I had is that our camera club is having an outdoor portrait shoot evening in a ruined abbey. I really really wanted to go to this but it's on the Wednesday night, smack bang in the middle of hubby's week off.

So I told hubby I had a proposal about the holiday. How about we spend Sunday, Monday and Tuesday on days out, sleeping over at a Travel Inn (or similar), I could go to the photoshoot on the Wednesday, then he could perhaps take his one man tent and motorbike and go do his mountaineering and camping. He mentioned us all camping, but I said, I don't think my body can cope with the cold and damp. So we discussed the days out (I'd already been on google) and suggested that we go to Blists Hill Victorian Village, where everyone is dressed in Victorian Costume. This is a place hubby mentioned visiting a while ago. Then we can go to Drayton Manor Park and visit Thomas Land (Isabelle will love that) and then the next day go to the Cadbury's Chocolate World. He agreed! Yay!! So finances are worked out, and it's doable, including giving hubby some ~~bribe~~ money for his solo excursion, which he has done before and enjoyed.

I feel so relieved. We get some time as a family, we get to go away and sleep in a warm bed and hubby gets to do his thing, and Isabelle will be very entertained with her days out.

Happy people all round

Here we go again...

2010-08-04T14:31:00.000+01:00

Good morning, do you have any appointments left for Dr Davis this morning? Yes? 10 past 11? yes that's fine thank you very much.

I've only been trying to get to see my Dr for 2 weeks! It's a stupid system. You have to phone on in the morning for an appointment but by the time they take the phone off the hook, the appointments have usually gone to the people who can get down to the surgery for 8.30 and queue to get an appointment. So, 11.10 it is then.

I go into instant anxiety attack and panic mode. Oh no. Isabelle will be at the playscheme. I have to pick her up at 11.45. What if the Dr is running late. What if I don't get out in time to go and get her? I work myself up into a stupid frenzy over something that might not, and in fact, probably will not happen. Of course I'll be there in time. I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't stop the overriding anxiety and panic.

I drop Isabelle off at 10am and go home to wait for it to get to 11 o'clock, time for me to drive to the surgery. My head is convincing me I don't need to actually go and see the Dr now, especially as it's cutting it so fine (in my mind) for picking Isabelle up again. Call and cancel. You don't need to go. But I know I do. I've been here before several times. I've put it off for six months and I know I can't ignore it any longer. I have to deal with it and sort myself out. It's taking over my life and spoiling it.

I get to the surgery and the Dr is running about 10 minutes late. There's only 1 person in front of me, providing she's quick I should be ok. I'm sat there working myself up into a frenzy by this point. Trying to remember everything I need to say to the Dr and am overanxious about getting to pick Isabelle up in time. My heart is beating so fast I can hear it pounding in my head. I'm even sat there trembling. How stupid is this? Get a grip for heavens sake!!

My name is called. My lovely, smiley, friendly Dr says "what can I do for you today?" I can't cope anymore! and the floodgates open. Tears are now rolling down my face. Oh for heavens sake I tell him, I wasn't going to do this. We chat, I calm down, he's rational and makes sense, and I tell him I realise and understand how stupid what I'm saying must sound to him, I know it's stupid to feel this way and to react to things the way I do, I just can't help it no matter how I pysch myself to think differently. He tells me it's ok. It's understandable to feel the way I do, it's quite common. I'm not a freak. I tell him, I've even been shouting at my 5 year old, who is generally a good kid. I never shout at her, I'll tell her off, but never shout. That's how bad things have got. I've always been such a patient person, but my patience has run out.

It's ok says my lovely, friendly Dr, I'll help fix you. I love my Dr for wanting to help me, and for actually listening to me. I know he's paid to do it, but some Drs listen more than others. He is one of them.

He tells me he's going to change my painkillers to something stronger. He looks back over my records to see what we've tried in the past. A very looooong list. We talked about Fibromyalgia. I normally try not to mention it.. daft I know, but he said it must be very hard to live with and asked when I was actually diagnosed with it. 13 years ago! Oh, he says. If it had been 2 or 3 years, there was a good chance it would go into remission.. but after 13 years, chances are it's not going anywhere. Hmmmm, no blood tests since 2007, lets have a batch of bloods done shall we? Yes Dr, ok.. we'll try that route again.

So out I go with a prescription for some kick ass painkillers, anti-depressants (I've been on them before and am not ashamed to say I need them again.. I've been on and off them over the past 25 years!) and a poly bag to take with me to visit dracula for a shed load of blood tests.

And yes, I was out in plenty of time to go and get Isabelle.

Is the anxiety and panic over for today? No. Do I tell my hubby when he gets home. He's not a sympathetic person or understanding at all. He can't understand anyone who has any mental health or depression problems. He's a 'what the hell have you got to be depressed or stressed about' person. Snap out of it, will be his reaction. Get a job. Find something to do to amuse yourself. Which doesn't help a bit. Get a job? and add to my already huge workload ( he goes to work and (in his opinion) therefore doesn't have to do any housework, financing, bills... etc etc.. that is all left to me), so great idea ... not.. to add extra to someone who is not coping very well to start with. The fact that I can't talk to him about it doesn't help. How do I get him to understand what's going on inside me when I can't explain it to myself. He doesn't even understand (or try to for that matter) fibromyalgia. I might as well go and talk to the wall. I'd get the same amount of understanding.

So, I'll go and collect my new medication ready to start it tonight, and move forward.

oh, and on a side note.. the sun is actually shining at the moment. This is the first time I've seen the sun out over our side of the country in about 3 weeks!! So it's not all doom and gloom.

Imagine

2010-08-01T10:41:00.000+01:00

Imagine, just for one minute...

waking up in the morning and feeling like you've not slept for a week.
having to sit on the edge of the bed for at least 5 minutes for the blood to start circulating before you can go to the bathroom.
trying to move your arms and shoulders with a 5lb weight strapped to each arm just to be able to make your morning coffee.
having to lean on every available wall/piece of furniture to be able to move around.
taking 10 minutes to be able to get back up to standing from a sitting position.
having to tell your young child, no I don't think we can go to the park/swimming/on a bike ride because you just don't have the energy.
hobbling around like a 90 year old woman because your hips and legs just don't want to work.
moving around at a snail pace because that's as fast as you can go
taking 40 minutes to write a small blog post like this because you just can't hold your arms out in a position to type for more than two minutes at a time.
the mental fustration, hurt, disappointment, loss of pride and overall bloody total annoyance that your mind is willing but your body just won't co-operate

I've been like this for 2 weeks now, and today is the worst day so far. I need a break from this fibromyalgia flare. All my positive thoughs have gone today. I'm so tired of it, my positivity has vanished. As much as I try to carry on as normal, today it has got the better of me and I've had to admit defeat to my hubby. He wanted to go to the Sunday market. Normally I would have gone along and trudged round slowly. Today, I said I don't think I can manage walking around the market. It hurts me to admit it's got the better of me, but today I have no choice. Hubby went to the market alone :(

with fangs and boots on...

2010-07-31T16:39:00.001+01:00

Anyone that knows me personally will know that I have a completely irrational and ridiculous fear of butterflies. Yes I know that if I were going to have a phobia it should be of something that can actually hurt or maim me.. but no.. my phobia is of things that fly randomly towards me. Birds... butterflies and in particular moths! I will run screaming like a girl (I know I am a girl) in the opposite direction as quickly as possible to get away from said furry flappy thing. It has been an in joke that I have said that moths and butterflies are so scary because they have fangs and wear big boots. A very sorry and pitiful attempt to explain when I'm afraid of them. My excuse of 'they bite with their feet' (which is true.. butterflies do taste with their feet) is deemed hogwash.. butterflies don't have fangs in their feet.

But check out how brave I was today. Look how close I got to our resident bitey, killer Red Admiral. This was taken before it landed on my head and made me run to the safety of our house! Click to view large and take a look at the killer menace instilled in it's eyes!

White lillies...

2010-07-28T19:46:00.000+01:00

I've always loved white lillies. Death flowers, declared my mum. They stink and make me think of funerals.

I think they're beautiful. So simple and delicate yet so intreaguing to look at. My hubby bought me a white lily plant and potted it in a beautiful stone pot to go in our garden. He bought it for my birthday about 6 years ago. The three stems with a few flowers on has now blossomed into a gorgeous plant with about 20 stems and too many flowers to count. It always blooms about a week after my birthday. The anticipation of how close to my birthday the first flower will burst open is silly really, yet I check daily from the 17th of July onwards.

White lillies also make me think of my dad. He loved them too. I placed a single white lily on his coffin, no big fussy wreath or gaudy tribute in flowers, a simple white lily was enough from me to him.

I took this photograph todayl Lillies are difficult to photograph. they have such big flower heads and frilly petals and then you've got the stamens and anthers in the middle. So I went in close. I don't think I've done this beautiful flower the justice it deserves.

You can click the image for a full size shot.

The Gallery - Nature

2010-07-28T08:41:00.001+01:00

The theme for this week's Gallery from Tara at Sticky Fingers is Nature

Nature is everywhere.

Stop for a while and smell the roses.

Take a closer look

And then get a little bit closer

See what you miss when you walk around the garden without looking and seeing. All these photographs were taken in my back garden, nature is never very far away, but if you don't stop for a moment to look, to actually stop and see, you won't even know it exists.

One of the most beautiful sights is from mother nature herself. During the winter, this is the early morning view over my back garden fence.

So open your eyes and take a look, spend time to actually see what's around you no matter how big or small. it's all there free of charge waiting to be explored and etched in your memory for ever.

There are two ways...

2010-07-23T10:35:00.000+01:00

to make a packet pasta n' sauce. My way, and hubby's way.

My way..

measure milk as specified on the packet into a jug. Pour on top of pasta n' sauce in a microwaveable bowl. add knob of butter, put in microwave and cook as per instructions on the packet. eat...

Hubby's way...

Open packet, spill some on the floor. shout and ask where the microwaveable bowl lives. empty the rest of the packet into the bowl that was in the cupboard in front of his eyeballs. put empty packet in the bin.

Shout and ask where the measuring jug lives and where is the milk. Shout and ask about the jug again because he didn't listen to the original reply. Shout and ask how much milk he needs. Replies 'but the packet is in the bin'. Fishes the packet out of the bin and measures milk. slops milk on top of the dry stuff in microwaveable bowl and and slops some milk all over the work top. puts it in the microwave, takes it out as he'd forgotten the butter. Puts it back in and shouts how long do I cook it for. Takes packet back out of the bin and checks timings. Takes out of the microwave half way through to stir and looks in horror at the explosion in the microwave. Decides that 'cover the bowl' actually means cover the bowl and arm wrestles the cling film then brings it to me to take a piece off. covers bowl and puts back in exploded mess in the microwave for remaining time. Meanwhile, decides to have bread and butter with it, butters bread ok but leaves bread bag open so the rest of the loaf is now drying. Serves up remaining unexploded pasta n sauce all over the microwave, shuts microwave leaving exploded gloop to grow mould. Eats. Completely ignores bombsite of a kitchen, leaving it for ~~slave/maid~~ wife to clean up.

23 years ago today...

2010-07-21T15:55:00.000+01:00

....My all time favourite album was released. It changed my musical taste forever.

21st of July 1987. I had just turned 19, I had a 2 year old daughter. I'd been a devout Durannie up until then. Then I heard Guns n' Roses, Appetite for Destruction. wow! I'd never heard anything like it before. Axl Rose couldn't sing, Slash looked rather odd in his leather trousers and top hat but could play the guitar like I'd never heard before. Welcome to the Jungle rocked my socks off (well it would have had I been wearing any). The whiny high pitched vocals were ingrained in my brain and I still know all the words 23 years later, and I still play the album several times a week. It is a classic album that is still selling copies to this day. I've personally owned 3 cassette tapes (remember them? LOL) and 4 CD's of the album before moving on to mp3's of it. That's how much I've played it.

Without Guns n' Roses, we wouldn't have had the likes of Nirvana. Guns n' Roses stretched the boundaries of music and created something that wasn't music, but certainly got played. I never got to see them play live, although my hubby did when Monsters of Rock played at Donnington every year.

Having read autobiographies of the band, their rock and roll life was a mess. Ego's clashed, drink and drugs were taken to excess. After Appetite, they released Use your Illusion I and II together. They couldn't decide which tracks to use for the album so they made two albums. After that, the rock and roll ego's were too much and Guns n' Roses as we all knew them went their separate ways. Axl has created several 'new' Guns n' Roses as he claims he had rights to the band name, but Axl wasn't in the original lineup. Izzy Stradlin and Slash created Guns n' Roses. We called out daughter Isabelle so we could call her Izzy (which we don't actually call her LOL). Slash is still touring now, and my hubby went to see him in Manchester a couple of weeks ago and was in awe at his guitar playing. He can still rock.

So I'd just like to say happy birthday Appetite for Destruction, it's been a pleasure knowing you.

The Gallery - A Novel Idea

2010-07-21T09:27:00.000+01:00

This weeks theem for the Gallery from Tara is : A novel idea. A photograph which you think represents a favourite book or novel or even children's tale.

I spent some time thinking about my favourite books. There are so many books to choose from as I'm a bit of a bookworm. I loved reading about Genghis Khan, but without a trip Mongolia, I'm lacking in photographic matter. One of my all time favourite books is called Aztec by Gary Jennings, but as the Aztecs no longer exist, I was stumped again.

I decided to go for this photograph. Some of you may have seen it before, but as it's the title of the book, I'm going to post it again.

The story of a search for the ideal utopia and personal fulfilment, only to find that life's problems don't all go away and in fact bring forth a multitude of new problems.

Guessed yet? It's The Beach by Alex Garland. It's such a shame they turned it into a film with Leonardo Di Caprio.

I'm glad that's done

2010-07-19T10:58:00.001+01:00

Oh wow last week was tough! Tough on me phsycally. I am now paying the price. But it was worth it (I think).

It's so hard having to do running around, getting essential items and doing essential things before a deadline. Normal life had to take a back seat. I had to pick things up from one place and then drive 10 miles in the opposite direction to get something else, be some place else or spend time on the phone arranging things. It seemed for everything I tried to arrange, an obstacle or hurdle was in the way first. From Wednesday onwards it was just manic and constant.

On Friday (Isabelle's birthday) I had to get all her party stuff done in the morning, because I was helping out in school during the afternoon, and her party was at 4pm. I was so pysically and emotionally tired and on Friday afternoon I had a meltdown. It was so stupid too..

On Friday afternoon all the children had to go into the hall for the school leavers assembly, and the head mistress (akin to Vlad the Impaler!) was giving her stay safe speech. Fair enough. She told a child to move to the end of the row for chatting. The child said sorry and the head mistress said I'm sure you are, now MOVE. She shouted it so loud all the teachers jumped, never mind the kids. A little girl stood up and disolved into floods and floods of tears. It was my little girl. My little newly 5 year old, all excited because it was her birthday and her party was only half an hour away. She moved to the end of the row and was practically hysterical but she knew she had to be quiet and tried so hard to stop crying, but when she's upset she can't get a grip of herself.

Isabelle is not a naughty child by nature, if she's told off she's mortified, even if I tell her off. She's heartbroken, so to be shouted at so loudly by the head mistress just sent her to pieces. One of the teachers tried to console Isabelle and stroked her arm telling her it would be alright. I was over the other side of the hall and couldn't get to my baby sobbing her heart out. I realise that she deserved to be pulled up for chatting, but my no means was she the only one, and she absolutely did not deserve to be shouted at like that. I've never shouted at her that loud.

After the headmistress did her speech she leant to one of the teachers next to me and I heard her say, did I frighten her or is she always in floods of tears like that? The teacher replied, no she's not a tearful child, we've never had to tell her off, she's one of the nicest children we have in school, and by the way, that's her mum sitting next to me. The head mistress said.. oh. Isabelle was still in tears, and the head mistress told her to move back to her space. I left the hall. I couldn't sit there watching her cry any longer.

Isabelle's teacher followed me out and I just dissolved in tears myself. I couldn't help it. It was just everything that had happened during the week, emotional overload. Isabelle's teacher was so apologetic and kept saying 'I'm so sorry, she didn't deserve being spoken to like that. Of all the children in school, Isabelle is the least deserving of being shouted at in that manner'. I said that if she was chatting, she needed to be told to stop, even though she's so excited etc.... but it was the manner in which it was done, and my mummy instinct kicked in. When your child is sobbing it's heart out, you just want to get to it and comfort it.

I managed to calm down and the children came back into class. I went to get a glass of water and several of the other teachers came to me and apologised on the headmistress' behalf and said it wasn't fair and Isabelle didn't deserve that, she's such a lovely girl and is never any bother. They were all so sorry. I kept trying to say that if she was chatting, she needed telling, but they all said.. not like that.

A short while later the headmistress came to me and apologised. I didn't want to accept it. I'm a stubborn cow. If I hadn't been in the hall to see it, nothing would have been said to me, it would have happened and I'd have been non the wiser. Isabelle wouldn't have said anything to me because she would have been ashamed. The headmistress said she over-reacted in the heat of the moment because she was doing a serious speech about staying safe. I told her I realised that. She said she'd spoken to Isabelle after and made friends and chatted about her new baby rabbit, and Isabelle is fine now. I still wasn't.

I told Mark about it later and ended up in tears again. I don't know why I got so emotional about it. Isabelle isn't a naughty child, she will do anything to stay out of trouble, she rarely needs telling off for anything, and definately behaves at school. The daftest thing about it is that even when I went to bed, you know how your mind goes over the days events.. I lay there with tears rolling down my face thinking back to how mortified and upset she was in the hall. She was fine and never mentioned it again, it's me that can't get over it.

Oh to be a parent.

A nice day....

2010-07-17T21:49:00.000+01:00

My first 4 birthdays were mine. They were special, I enjoyed them and I had fun. My fifth birthday was different. My baby brother was born the day before my fifth birthday. That's when it all changed. My birthday was no longer special. It seemed to vanish. I still had birthday parties, but as we lived in a small community our parties were a joint party in the local community centre and all the kids attended. Space for cards and presents was already taken up, but I lived with it. It was the norm. At least we didn't have Christmas birthdays when (like my hubby) birthday and christmas presents were rolled into one.

then I left home and my birthday was my own again until 5 years ago, when my beautiful baby girl was born hours before my birthday. Once again my birthday was the day after... shelves were filled with cards, presents were strewn about the house... and this is going to last many many years. The year Isabelle was born, I didn't even get a birthday. I was kept in hospital overnight, not getting home until 3pm, my birthday vanished that year.

Isabelle had a lovely birthday yesterday. She turned 5. My baby is growing up fast! Her party was a big success and 18 children turned up to celebrate with her. She felt like a princess and loved every minute of it.

And my birthday today has been lovely too. It didn't disappear into insignificance. It may have had something to do with my rant earlier in the week about me not seeming to be important.. it might not have. I haven't had to wash a single dish today. I've only had to make 2 cups of coffee all day. Isabelle insisted I had a birthday cake and my son put candles on it and they all sang happy birthday to me. I've had to wear a number 1 mum badge all day, and I've loved it.

So here I sit, blogging on the sofa on my new netbook! I love it.

Today I feel happy, and I am important and I do matter to those around me.

We talked, I cried...

2010-07-13T09:09:00.002+01:00

... I hate getting so emotional that I break down, but I was at the end of my tether. It all came to a head on Saturday morning.

Mark took Isabelle out to buy me a birthday present ready for this Saturday. It was a little bit of something I'd seen and liked while Isabelle and I were out browsing the shops. It was only a fiver, but Isabelle told daddy so off they went to get it. He asked where was a good place to get a card, so I suggested somewhere. Although Isabelle will make me a card anyway, it's also important to her that she gets to choose one from a shop. She's like that. She has to do things the right way, it matters to her and she gets upset when things aren't done right, like giving special cards to special people.

They got back and she scurried past with a bag in her hand to stash in her bedroom, and I asked Mark if he'd found the card shop. He said.. very matter of fact, I can't be arsed driving through all that traffic just for a card. That was it, the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I cried. My head had translated his words into 'see, that's how important you are and how much you matter, he can't be arsed because it's for you. Any other time, if it was oil for his bike etc he'd have driven through it, but oh no, it's you, so it doesn't matter.' So out it all tumbled.

Over the years I've learned not to be accusing when I'm talking about how I feel or when somethings wrong, because he's automatically on the defensive and turns it all around to being my fault. I talked about how small I felt and how little I mattered until it came to clean clothes and a meal. I talked about everything on my mind and how we don't talk to each other. He said I had nothing interesting to say. (talk about shove the knife in and twist it!) but I asked how he knew that, when he doesn't even listen to me. One of his worst habits is he'll ask a question and not listen for the answer only to ask again. We've had huge arguments over it, because I can be a stubborn pig when I get going and I'd tell him if you can't be bothered to listen to the answer, I'm not repeating it, he should listen the first time!

But anyway, I'd said my piece, he defended himself even though I felt he had no need to, but he obviously felt I'd threatened his 'maleness'. He did say he understood my point and he would try to do something about it.

On Sunday I was still feeling a bit rough and bitter about everything and we ended up having, not an argument, but a heated discussion about money. Mark is very materialistic, whereas I'm not, so we normally manage ok, but he's very money oriented and always wants more. I look after our finances as he is terrible at it, and it normally works ok, but this month we have Isabelle's birthday and party to pay for, and Mark forgets what he's already had. Once he's had it, it's been and gone and is on to the next thing. So we had this discussion and it didn't end up very well, so I retreated back into my crabby shell (I'm cancerian and climbing into my shell for protection is one of my (bad?) habits) and I buried myself in a really good book I was reading and almost at the end of. I was talked out and really couldn't be bothered. He tried to talk to me, just general talk, but I was hurt and in my shell. I only spoke when I had to.

Mum phoned Monday morning and asked if I was feeling any better (I'd phoned her on Sunday when he'd gone for a ride on his motorbike, so she knew(ish) what was going on) and for once I didn't put my happy mask on. I told her no, I wasn't really feeling any better. That's not like me at all. I normally just cover up and lie.

So Mark came home from work on Monday night, a different person. Do men talk to other men and get things off their chest? Do they discuss things at work? Or maybe he'd had a chat with one of the women he works with? Maybe it was just time away from the house and he'd had time to think. I don't know.. but he really did come home a different person. He chatted, asked me questions and actually listened to the answers first time! He didn't go onto the computer until well after dinner and said he wasn't ignoring me but he had some items on ebay ending within the hour, but even then, he chatted to me while he was doing it. It's like he's had an injection of human being again. So why does it have to come to me loosing the plot and blubbing all over the place to get something like this sorted out? It's been going on for weeks to the point where I felt I didn't exist or matter. Why does it have to come to that?

I don't know how long it will last, but I do think he realised just how emotional and lost I was once I'd told him and he'd had time to digest the information.

I'm making the effort and so is he. We'll see how it goes.

Little Ray of Sunshine...

2010-07-09T19:18:00.000+01:00

I can always count on my little ray of sunshine to lift my spirits. My little ray of sunshine is so excited that she's going to be 5 in one week. She can't wait.

My little ray of sunshine brought her school report home today. Her first year in full time school, even though she's still only 4. She's the youngest in her year, yet she's at the top of the class.

Her report started off with the words... Where do I begin? Isabelle never ceases to amaze me.

I have to show you what her class teacher said about Isabelle in her final summary on Isabelle's school report. It brought a lump to my throat.

Looking back over the past year, Isabelle has made so much progress. She is a real star with a natural talent for language and drama and creativity. It has been a pleasure and a privilege to have Isabelle in my class. She is a very special individual. Her cheery smile and wonderful lust for learning will carry her through life. Isabelle has strong ideas and a love of books and their characters. Isabelle is proud of her family and enjoys sharing their triumphs.

Isabelle displays excellent communication skills and this, along with her gentle nature and warm smile makes her an excellent role model. The hard work you put into Isabelle's education has already paid off in dividends. I hope always to be a part of Isabelle's life. We will all miss her so much. She is one of my very best friends. Isabelle you must keep up your design work and your acting. When Isabelle decides where she is going in life, the many skills and qualities she possesses along with your support will allow her to achieve her dreams.

How can I not be proud of her after reading that? The whole school report is in the same vein... I am so proud of my nearly 5 year old little ray of sunshine, she's brightened quite a dark week for me.

I'm tired....

2010-07-08T11:14:00.000+01:00

Life just seems so overwhelming at the moment, and I'm so tired.

There are no major problems or hurdles to get over, just general day to day existence is tiring. My get up and go, got up and left. My mojo got lost and I just feel like that big black cloud is pressing down heavier and heavier. I am going through the motions, but my heart isn't in anything.

I feel like my marriage is a bit stagnent and hubby, despite me trying to talk about it, is oblivious. He's fine, his life is fine, he's happy, so of course, there can't be any problems.

I think the biggest thing that bothers me at the moment is that I have to do everything. All the organising, the arranging, the maintaining... etc. It's Isabelle's birthday next week, so it's down to me to arrange her party, invitations, her presents and one of the more annoying things is having to think of things for everyone else to buy her. Why can't people just buy her something. She's a 5 year old little girl for heavens sake.. or she will be 5 a week on Friday. Go look in the shops.. online.. wherever.. just don't make me do all the thinking. My general answer of, no there's nothing she really wants doesn't suffice. I am supposed to come up with an idea and then they can go and buy it, or just send her the money. (this is family I'm referring to!).

I bought her a load of playmobil stuff from ebay. I camper van and a horse stables with all the horses and jumps etc. I know she'll love it. She has a huge thing for horses and she loves the little roll play games. I showed it to hubby and his reaction was.. we're getting her something else aswell aren't we? Well actually, no I wasn't planning to, she will love it. He pulled a face and said we should get something else too. How about a TV and DVD player for her bedroom? She's going to be 5!! Why does she need a TV and DVD player in her room? I'd rather she wasn't watching stuff in her room when she goes to bed. She's not even that interested in TV to be honest. She'd rather be making something. So no, I'm not going to spend all that money on something I don't want her to have. I'm not shoving her out of the way up in her room to watch TV. I want to know what she does watch and when she watches it. It's not because I'm a controlling parent, I just don't think that at 5 years old, she needs it. Let her play rather than become a vegetable with square eyes who is grumpy due to lack of sleep. (I guess you can say I feel quite strongly about that).

We did agree however that it was about time we put her incessant begging to an end that we've had to suffer for the last year. She's been asking and asking for a rabbit. Isabelle loves, and adores animals, and although we have a cat, the cat is 19 and is a very old lady, is a bit cantankerous and will only let you stroke her when she wants it. So I've ordered a rabbit hutch and on Tuesday visited the rabbit man (not his real name obviously LOL). I've picked out a little female rabbit who will be old enough to leave her mummy rabbit next Thursday night ready to be brought home and put in her new hutch to surprise Isabelle on Friday morning. I need to get bedding, food, dish, water bottle etc.. but again, all this has been left for me. We decided to get her one anyway, but it made hubby feel better when I suggested she have it as part of her birthday present. He obviously really didn't like the playmobil stuff.

It's also left to me to tax/sorn cars/bikes, banking, bills etc etc, and it gets me from time to time, especially when snide comments are made about something that didn't get done, or I forgot to do. When I say, if it's that important you do it, I get the reply of.. I'm at work all day, I don't have time. He has evenings and weekends.. but that's taken up with him either sitting at the computer or him taking a motorbike or pushbike apart or putting it to pieces again in the garage. If he's on the computer and I speak to him, he doesn't hear me. If he's watching football, he doesn't hear me. If he's in the garage, he obviously doesn't hear me. I feel like I'm living in a silent world at the moment. We don't seem to have any 'us' time. I feel very lonely at times. If I try to arrange some us time it has to be on his terms or something he wants to do that I struggle to do ie, walking up mountains or some physical activity which my fibro body can't cope with.

I realise the simple solution is talk to each other, but it just doesn't happen no matter how much I try. He's fine, his life is fine.. no problem needs solving.

There's one other thing that's getting to me at the moment to.. and I think that this is probably the root of the problem now that I'm actually writing it down. I don't feel special or important. I'm surplus to requirements, I'm only necessary for clean clothes, food provider and caretaker. It's my birthday the day after Isabelle's.. a week on Saturday. Since having Isabelle, my birthday is no longer valid. When she was born, I had to stay in overnight because my waters had been leaking for 4 days but they wouldn't induce me till the 4th day even though I was over my dates. So I was in hospital for my birthday and I didn't even get a birthday card or present from my other half.. a baby was present enough apparently. And of course, ever since then, it's been about Isabelle's birthday. My 40th birthday, party that I'd arranged to have at my mum's with my brothers 2 years ago (and no laughing Julie, that I'm still sulking about this) was turned into a 60th birthday party for my aunt, and I didn't even get a balloon, cake, banner .. nothing. It was always bad enough that it was my baby brother's birthday the day before mine (the same day as Isabelle) and my aunt the same day as me.. I always had to share a birthday until I left home. and now my birthday, once more, pales into insignificance. The day I should be made to feel special seems to be a pain in the arse for everyone. Hubby constantly moans on the run up to my birthday about how he doesn't know what to buy me. I'm not that difficult to buy for. The past two years there have been things I wanted so he got an easy run on that and I ordered, bought and paid for the stuff myself. This year, there's nothing in particular, so he's stuck. Can't he walk around Chester during his lunch break and see what's in the shops? It doesn't even have to be much, but the fact that he would have taken the effort to go and choose something himself would mean so much to me.

Oh dear, I sound like I'm having such a pity party here. But I do feel down and I do feel lost and lonely, I feel put on, taken for granted and that no one takes an extra bit of time to see if I'm ok. Hubby is always too busy doing something to see how I am, or how my day has been. I'll be alright. I always am. I'll feel better for just getting it all off my chest.

Gertie the Gremlin

2010-06-29T12:48:00.000+01:00

I don't make a habit of copying other people's ideas, and I really hope that Ali at snipsnaphappy isn't too cross that I've borrowed her fantastic idea for a Gremlin. I loved the little Gremlin that I decided to have a go and make my own version. I had some patchwork squares left over from making Isabelle's quilty blanky (as she calls it) so I thought I'd make a gremlin to match.

This is Gertie the Gremlin

She measures about 7 inches square and is soft and squishy as she's stuffed. Her arms and legs have a few lentils in (about half full) to give a bit of weight to them so they flop about.

I'm going to leave her where she's sitting, in the ivy in the garden, and I'm going to make an adoption letter asking Isabelle if she will look after Gertie, written as if Gertie has sent it to her. Isabelle has had a bit of a stressful time (stressful for a 4 year old) lately. She doesn't like too much of a routine change, she just doesn't seem to be able to handle it, and school has been all over the place with end of year plays, practice for sports day, preparation for moving up to year 1 etc, and there have been a couple of changes to her routine at home that she's not over impressed with. It's been a whiny, moany month with quite a few tears (both me and her!) but we're all sorted now and she's happy again. I hope Gertie makes her smile.

Thanks so much for the idea Ali.

Dear so and so...

2010-06-25T10:21:00.001+01:00

Time for another Dear so and so... a few things I need to get off my chest...

Dear little boy driving a fast car

I realise you must be at least 17 to be allowed to drive that car (legally anyway) but it's a bloody good job I had room to drive up that pavement very fast (and thankfully safely) because there was no way in hell you were going to stop in time. I came around the corner at 10mph because I know it's a blind corner and there are often kids playing out on this bit of road, but you driving at 40mph does not allow you to stop in time. Your stupid wave and smile needed knocking off your stupid little face. It wasn't funny that I'd had to drive onto the path very quickly to avoid you, especially as my 4 year old was in the car at the time. The driver behind had to choose between colliding head on with you, or possibly rear ending my car if he followed me up the pavement. Please drive down these little side streets with a little less speed and a bit more care and attention.

Yours, Hoping you don't have a horrible accident

Annie

Dear Isabelle.

I realise you have a lot going on in life at the moment and you don't really like routine change, but you will be 5 next month and you have to learn to be a little bit more adaptable. School is often all over the place at this time of year, what with sports day practice, preparing to move up to your new class in September etc.

You also have to accept that you cannot snack constantly at home. There is absolutely no need for temper tantrums and moaning, whining and crying every time you can't get your own way or can't manage to do something. It has to stop or I may be forced to take drastic action. You have always been such a good girl, but this constant whining and crying is driving me insane.

Yours, preparing the naughty step
Mummy xxxx

Dear Hubby,

Yes, you get another mention this week you lucky boy. So the physiotherapist has decided to refer you to the orthopedic surgeon about your knee as it's not responding to any physio treatment. Hmmm, did someone mention almost 8 weeks ago that you really should get your knee invesigated properly after it collapsed again after your initial injury? Possible/probably meniscus tear? Highly likely you will need sugery to repair the torn cartilage? 16 weeks re-hab after surgery? I think I will move out for those 16 weeks. It has been bad enough living with you moaning and grumbling about it constantly for the past 8 weeks, I don't think I can cope with you having surgery and then your knee locked in place and you on crutches for 6 weeks. It was bad enough when you had a cast on your broken ankle for a month.

Yours, preparing to pack

Annie

Dear Life,

Can you just get off my case for a little while please? The boring humdrum monotony is driving me insane. Plod, plod, plod through life with such negativity at the moment. I need a break please.

Yours, looking for respite

Annie

The Gallery - Creatures

2010-06-23T09:27:00.000+01:00

The subject for this week's Gallery is Creatures. Oh no! Which photograph to post? I have so many creatures crawling, swimming, sitting etc around my computer in my photograph files. So I'm going to post a few of my favourites. If anyone wants to buy any of these photographs I'm more than happy to sell them to you. Just email me :) They're not expensive

So I'm going to start with my favourite creature and the one that has won me 2nd place in an international photography magazine competition, and has won me a couple of medals for our photography club including Digital Image of the Year. My beloved bald eagle shot. (I know a lot of you have seen it before - sorry.)

And then there's a rather gruesome looking fly

Everyone's favourite (apart from the bloody annoying one on the telly!) a meerkat

A very loving pair of Giraffe

And one of my favourite favourites, this chimp taking a nap.

I could put 100 photographs of creatures in here and still have more. I love photographing creatures. Unfortunately, most of these creatures were cages at Chester Zoo not running around free, but if it weren't for zoo's we wouldn't have half the creatures in the world, they'd be extinct.

Whatever happened to....

2010-06-22T11:37:00.000+01:00

The good old birthday tea party at your house on the day of your birthday with kids around, playing pass the parcel and musical statues?

Isabelle is going to be 5 on the 16th of July so in the back of my mind, I'm thinking I really need to get myself in gear and get somewhere booked for her party. Her birthday is on a Friday, but it looks like the party will have to be the followind day, the Saturday, which will be my birthday. I'd really rather not spend my birthday supervising 20 loud and boisterous 5 year olds, but it doesn't look like I have any other option. My birthday vanishes into insignificance since Isabelle was born, especially as we had to have an overnight stay in hospital due to my waters leaking for 4 days before she was born and the hospital wanting to keep an eye out for infection. I've not really had a birthday since :(

Even so... it seems now that there is such a huge 'our party was better than your party' thing going on. And it's not even the kids that's doing it. It's the parents. Each one has to be bigger, better, more fun, best party bag in the world ever.. etc.. and it really infuriates me. Surely it's all about the kids having fun celebrating a birthday. Or maybe I'm just old fashioned about it. My elder two kids had parties at home until they were old enough to have someone stay for a sleep over and then we'd go bowling or to the pictures with one or two friends, but nowhere near the scale they do parties these days.

The in thing this year is Whizz Kids, which is a huge indoor softplay centre. Great for the kids to run around and let off some steam. A meal and party bags are provided, but.. it costs £9.75 per child!! There are 30 kids in Isabelle's class, and because she's a popular kid, I'd guess at her wanting to invite 25 of them at least. (I'll save you the maths...) that comes to £243.75!! You have got to be kidding me? There's no way we can afford that. That's without buying her a birthday present. Yet she really really REALLY wants to go to Whizz Kids. Even if I say 10 friends only that's still almost £100!!

My other option is to hire a room in the local leisure centre. But we did that last year. It's only £30 to hire the room with the bouncy castle, climbing frames, bikes etc all with crash mats. I'll have to provide the food, but she can have as many friends as she likes there. All 30 kids in her class if she wants. But she'd be disappointed that it's not Whizz Kids.

You can hear the mums talking in the playground.. oh I've hired a hall and a magician for my little one's birthday next week. The magician only costs £95. Oh yes there's the room hire on top of that, then the food.. and I've got x, y and z for party bags. She was spending more on party bags for each child than I spent on the childs present.

Why is it like this? Why do the parents compete so much to have the best party for their kids and then stand there bragging about how much they've spent. The kids don't care how much they've spent, and I'm sure we had just as much fun at house birthday parties, in the day where you didn't even get party bags to take home. Oh, and the latest one is, she wants a pinata full of sweets to hit. When did we become part of America?

All I want is for my soon to be 5 year old to have a lovely birthday with her friends and for her to feel special, but I don't want to have to spend a fortune that we can't afford to do that. We don't have a credit card purposely so that we're not tempted to put things like that onto it and end up paying for it for the rest of the year. If we've not got the cash, we dont get it. But how am I supposed to keep up with the Jones's so that Isabelle doesn't feel left out?

Father's Day - It's not fair

2010-06-18T12:43:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I wish I was a man ... well, quite a lot of the time really. Not because I'm butch or masculine, but because of the life they get to lead, the credit they get for being a man and father. Not that I wish to take anything away from my hubby.. he deserves his Father's Day. Despite all my grumbling about him, he is a really good Daddy and Step Dad for that matter.

When we got together, my son was a very tormented, timid, un-confident, agressive and angry 9 year old. Once hubby (then to-be-hubby) moved in, he took on a father parenting role with my son. It caused some arguments at the time because I didn't agree with some of his parenting methods and he didn't agree with some of mine, but we worked them out during that first year together and my son has turned into a wonderful, very caring and well rounded, confident young man. Hubby taught my son to play guitar then told him to go and practice. Because of that, my son gained a creative outlet. He's not a reader, he's not a maker of things, but by god he can play guitar! This is the biggest thing my hubby has given my son, along with his love.

And then there is the apple of hubby's eye, our 4 year old drama queen. He can be very blinkered with her and her behaviour and 4 year old tantrums when she can't get her own way, but he's not so soft with her that she has it all how she wants it. To see them together melts my heart. He is with her, the way I was with my Dad and there is nothing I could (or would want) to do to step in on their special relationship. She can be a pain in the you know where for me and last night was rolling around on the floor wailing about something she wanted but couldn't have when she heard hubby's motorbike coming up the road. The little ~~git~~ darling jumped up from the floor, said.. oh no, don't let my daddy see me, are my eyes red? WHAT? OMG!!! she beamed a huge smile, went to the door and shouted, Daddy, Daddy, I love you and I've missed you sooooo much. My eye rolling and frazzled look was met with a questioning 'why do you look like that' look. If only he knew the half of it.

But the other reason I sometimes wish I were a man, is when I see the fathers day gifts advertised on the telly.

When it's mother's day, we get all the perfume, skin care and sloppy ballad music CD adverts. None of these are me.

I love my rock music and one of the best things I've ever done was go and see Metallica live. My living room has wizards and dragon ornaments in it. I love fantasy novels, not the horror ones, but whisk me off with baddies and goodies in a land long ago, or a land that doesn't exist and I'm lost in the book. I love fast cars and motorbikes. I even took my motorbike test. My dream day out would be a press pass access all areas to the MotoGP bike racing.

Offer me a day out at a spa, and I'd probably pass. Well actually, thinking about it, I probably wouldn't, but if I had some money to spend, I wouldn't opt for a spa day.

So when I see the Father's Day adverts for Rock music CD's and cool gadgets and gizmo's that you can fit in your pocket or plug into your USB, I want them all!!

Are women so stereotypical that they have to have Olay re-juvinating-pull-your-face-back-up-to-your-forehead-and-fill-in-those-craters- cream? If they made one that plugged into your USB I'd probably have some LOL.

I guess I'm just not a girly girl. I'm feminine (I think) I put my eye makeup on and do my hair each day.. and then put on some Rock Music.. LOUD.

It does make me wonder what other people think of me? What perseption do people have of me, particularly those of you who read my blog. We all make opinions and assumptions about the people who's blogs we read... so I'm curious as to how I'm perceived through what I write.

She...

2010-06-17T09:08:00.000+01:00

She's lost in a world of self doubt and confusion, and she really doesn't know why. She has no real reason to have such low self esteem. She has a good life, a wonderful family, she has so much love from her children, yet she still doubts. Why? this is the question that's always on her mind. She's not a bad person. She always puts others before herself. This is one of her faults. She doesn't matter. As long as everyone else is ok, she's happy. But she's not really.

She craves attention but won't ask for it. She exists. She doesn't know how to speak her mind or talk about her feelings to the one person she wants to listen, to really listen. She's tried.. but it never works. She's not important enough. There are always other things more important than she is.

She's a master of disguise. She always looks so sunny and smiley and cheerful. She's sad inside. She's sad because she doesn't know how to be herself. She wears the mask needed at the time. Wife, mother, carer, lover. She listens and watches, but who listens to and watches her?

She wonders who the real self is. But it's hidden. It's been hidden for many many years. Too many to count on one hand, or two, three or four hands. This is the cause of confusion. She's had to be somebody else for so long, the real person is hidden too deep. She doesn't know who she is anymore, and she doesn't know how to find that person. Maybe this is the person she is meant to be but can't accept it. Maybe she should. But I don't think that she is happy with the person she is. She wants to be more, she wants to be something, something in her own right, not just a person because of those she loves.

She keeps searching, and will probably keep searching for many years to come.

She's confused

She's a little bit lost

She's sad, yet happy

She is me.

This was written taking the promt 'She' for Josies writing workshop.

The Gallery - Motherhood

2010-06-16T08:32:00.000+01:00

The theme for The Gallery this week from Sticky Fingers is Motherhood

I could trawl through all the baby photo's I have of all three of my kids and post a few, but as ever, I wanted to be a little bit different.

Motherhood is: Watching your kids have fun at bathtime

Motherhood is: Stopping the two bigger kids from picking on the little one.

Motherhood is: making sure they all wash behind their ears

Motherhood is so much more, and I don't think I can actually put it into words, but the mummy elephant taking such good care of her babies in the water struck a chord with me. The care she took of them all was very moving. She was so gentle and kind, despite them being disruptive and I'm sure she just wanted to soak in the bath herself with a good book and a glass of wine. The sacrifies a mother has to make.

I remember...

2010-06-15T09:12:00.002+01:00

Kind, caring, compassionate, lovable, do anything for anyone, funny, loving and warm hearted.

These are all words I've heard describing you over the years. Your warm nature touched many people. You knew so many people and they always stopped to say hello and have a chat, always with a smile and a laugh. We even went on holiday to North Devon, 8 hours drive from home and we'd not been there long and we bumped into someone you knew. How? It always amazed me. No matter where we went, we always bumped into someone you knew.

I remember you sitting in my baby brothers' playpen on the prom in front of our beach chalet in Mablethorpe. Yes, sitting IN it, with a big straw hat on and a baby's dummy in your mouth. Why? I've no idea, but funny? yes, hysterical.

I remember that same year (1976) the year of the heatwave and the year of the swarms of ladybirds. I remember you picking ladybirds off my ice-cream so I could eat it between licks. I've never seen so many ladybirds in my life!

I remember you growing your beard for a fancy dress party. It took 6 months to grow to the length you needed, but when you dressed up as Henry the VIII with pillows strapped to your stomach, you could have been him. I was in awe at your costume, all velvet and swishy about.

I remember camping in Devon. You made us an obstacle course and half the campsite joined in. snorkel and flippers on, stand in the bowl of water, run around the campsite, touch four bottoms.. not people bottoms as we'd thought LOL.. bottoms of chairs, bottoms of tables, bottoms of bottles.. we laughed so hard.

I remember sitting on your knee, always on your knee, but you never minded, even if you were in the middle of something.

I remember sitting in the garage with you while you peeled shallots for pickling. You always loved your pickled onions. I remember playing on the pinball machine that you bought for us whilst you peeled and peeled and peeled.

I remember that if there was ever an accident, or someone fell over, you were always first there. We did begin to wonder if you were a jinx because they always seemed to happen near us, but I think that you were just supposed to be there to do your nursing thing.

I remember you taking me to hospital on a Sunday in Nottingham when I fell off the swing and broke my arm when I was 6. You never once complained or told me I'd been stupid for showing off (unlike my mum). You made going to the hospital an adventure, we had a great time.

I remember you rarely told me off and if you did have to, you always sat me down and talked to me calmly. You never yelled at me, even if you were really angry. I can't remember you ever smacking or really punishing me. That was what mum did.

I remember you calling me princess, even on the day when I was 16 years old and still your baby girl that I told you I was pregnant. You cuddled me till I stopped crying while mum was running around with her world falling down around her. You told me it was ok, and we'd get through it.

I remember you being so proud the first time you saw Eve. I saw the same look in your eye for her that you had for me.

I remember seeing you starting to get sick. You tried to hide it but we had too close a bond for me to not know. I remember you struggling, it was my turn to be the helper, but I really didn't want you to know I was helping. You let me.

I remember seeing you 8 years later laying on the bed. You didn't know I was coming to visit. I liked to surprise you because I loved to see the look on your face when you saw me. Your eyes would light up and a huge smile come to your face, no matter what pain you were in. By this time you could barely walk as far as the bathroom, so they sent you a commode. I couldn't bare to think of you having to use it. I hated the thought of you losing your dignity. Such a powerful man having to have someone empty a commode for you.

I remember hubby meeting you for the first time, and I remember the conversation with him on the way home. Firstly he was shocked. Shocked at how much alike you and I are, both looks wise and personality. Everyone says I look like you. I have the same expressionate eyes. I've been told that looking into them makes you feel like you're drowinging in a beautiful pool. You get lost in them so easily.

I remember that he was also shocked at the atmosphere in the room when we were together. The obvious unspoken love we had for each other when we were together. The obvious connection. He'd never experienced that feeling and emotion before. He said he felt like no one else in the world mattered but you and I at that moment, and that he was honoured to have experienced that.

I remember the last time I saw you alive. Walking up the hospital ward, I could see you sitting in the chair, not smiling, just being there, even though there were people around you. You didn't know I was coming. I hadn't told you. We'd driven 3 hours to see you.

I remember sitting on your hospital bed and saying Hello Dad. I remember looking into your eyes and seeing the grey. Your eyes had never been grey, they were such a vibrant blue. I knew this would be the last time I saw you. They couldn't find out what was wrong. I remember your eyes turning blue again when you realised it was me. I remember your face lighting up and you smiling that beautiful smile that was my Dad. I remember I didn't want to leave. I remember telling you I love you and hugging you. You did the same back.

I remember you telling Mark... look after her for me.. promise me you'll look after her. Those words echo in my mind to this day. That wasn't the kind of thing you'd normally say. You were there to look after me. I knew you'd had enough.

I remember phoning you every day after that at the hospital. They wouldn't let me talk to you but promised to pass on the message that I'd phoned. No improvement they'd tell me each morning. Then on the Tuesday the nurse said "just a moment" and then I heard your voice. They'd let me speak to you. I remember telling you we were coming to see you on the Sunday. It was going to be Fathers' Day. All you could say is that you were so tired, really really tired. Your voice was so far away. I knew. I just knew. You'd had enough. You were done. The fight had gone.

I remember getting a phone call the next day at work. Why the hell didn't they phone me earlier. They knew I lived a 3 hour drive away. We left work straight away. Thankfully Mark was there and drove us. 15 minutes into the drive and my phone rang. We were too late. We weren't going to make it. You'd already gone.

I remember staring out over the fields into nothing. I can't remember anything else about that drive. I remember meeting my brothers outside the hospital. I had to see you one last time. One of my brothers waited outside. He couldn't do it.

I remember walking into the hospital ward. The curtains were drawn around your bed. I remember seeing you laying there, no oxygen tubes that you'd worn for the last 10 years. I remember you laying flat. You never lay flat on your back. I remember you being in some god awful stripy pyjamas. You never wore pyjamas, always a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. I remember how cold you were. I remember wanting to hug you so much. I'd never seen a dead person before. I remember not knowing what to do or how to feel. I remember looking at your face and seeing your moustache all neatly trimmed. You always kept it so tidy. I remembered the strangest things.

I remember walking away from you was the most painful thing I've ever had to do in my life. I remember it like it was yesterday. It's 6 years tomorrow since I last saw you. It still hurts just the same. People say time heals. No it doesn't! The pain is just as raw today as it was then.

I remember... I was loved very much, and I remember that I felt the same way about you.

Dad. I miss you

Regressed to the 80's?

2010-06-14T09:03:00.007+01:00

I am a little bit worried about myself. I seem to have regressed back into the mid 80's, and back to a bit of a teen crush that I had during the 80's. It's a little bit embarassing to confess to, but I have to get it out of my system.

The 80's were the time of the new romantics... and I loved Duran Duran. I only got to see them play live about 5 years ago, but I loved it so much (my hubby said he didn't, but he sang every word to every song LOL).

My other love of the 80's were the big hair bands. Bon Jovi could be heard seeping out of my bedroom for hours on end. The band that wasn't so cool to confess listening to for even more hours on end were Poison. So they were my secret passion. Songs like Your Momma Don't Dance, Talk Dirty to Me and the one everyone remembers, Every Rose Has It's Thorn. I loved the quirkyness of the band. My Dad was horrified when he saw posters on my wall, and asked who are these heavily made up girls, boys, not quite sure what they are?

Admittedly, now, they do look like a bunch of freaks LOL, but that's what Poison were about. And they weren't as bad as Motely Crue! But I was in love with the one on the end in the black hat, Bret Michaels. It did feel a bit wierd as he does look like a butch but very pretty woman, but I loved his voice. His speaking voice is deep and quite gruff.. I just loved him.

But the big hair bands died down and new music moved in and I stuck to my heavier rock music, Guns N Roses, Metallica, Red Hot Chili Peppers etc.. and sort of forgot about Poision until I got an MP3 player and stuck a load of mixed music on it. I was playing my MP3 player in the car and on came Poision and you know that feeling you get..? that blast from the past memory that makes you sigh...? It was Poison's Your Momma Don't Dance. My mind wandered back to my teens. Isabelle asked what the song was as she was dancing around in her car seat. She loved the song and asked for it to be put back on again. It's now one of her favourite songs LOL.. bless her love of Rock Music!

So it set me wondering what Poision were up to these days, so I did google search.. as you do... It turns out that Bret Michaels was trying to revive his career in the States and was currently on American Apprentice (which he ended up winning). But a couple of days later he was in the headlines. He'd had, out of nowhere, a brain hemorrhage and only had a 30% chance of survival. He is a type 1 diabetic since childhood which made treatment for his hemorrhage difficult. 10 days later, he was out of hospital having survived, only to go back into hospital a few weeks later having had what was thought to be a minor stroke, but turned out to be a hole in his heart, which can be repaired, thankfully. And now he's back out there peforming, has been on countless TV shows including Oprah and bizarrely, his bad health has leapfrogged him back into the limelite and he's now performing sell out shows again on stage.

And he still looks good for a 47 year old who's rocked hard and fast all his life

and I'm still swooning after him like I did in my teens. how sad is that? I feel like a stalker, I 'like' him on facebook and get regular updates of what he's up to... and I really do feel like a saddo LOL. I've watched recent interviews with him on the internet and his voice still sounds lovely... ahhhhh.. I need to go and lay down in a dark room to get a grip on reality LOL

My pennance for my confession? Play Poision songs repeatedly for the rest of the day. Haha!

Leave my desk alone

2010-06-12T12:31:00.000+01:00

Time out! I'm bored already.

I hate doing housework! Well, it's not the housework that bothers me so much, it's the tedious, monotonous picking up crap that everyone else leaves lying around that really gets my goat. (that poor goat!) I have come to accept over the 11 years hubby and I have been together, that he doesn't do housework. Arguments, fights, tears etc all ended with me having to accept that he goes to work, I don't, therefore I do the housework. Ok, it's a small price to pay for not having to go out to work, I can handle that. What I can't handle is the fact that he can be so darn right lazy. He leaves everything where he puts it. He will put his coffee mug on the floor where he's been sitting and then walk into the kitchen! Why not take the flippin' mug with you?? Socks down the sofa cushions, t-shirts, jackets, towels, trainers/boots/misc footwear just abandoned (can be as many as 4 pairs at any given time laying around). Magazines (he's a motorbike magazine aholic! Is there a magazines anonymous?) you name it, it's left lying around.

Isabelle is following in his footsteps, despite me ~~nagging~~ reminding her that empty packets/apple cores/banana skins etc, all go in the bin. Her toys are left laying where she puts them and tidy up time means shove it all under the table or any other hiding place if I'm not watching carefully.

But what really REALLY does pig me off, is that everyone seems to use my computer desk as a dumping ground. It's the only space I have in the house that is mine. Ok, it's in the living room tucked away under the stairwell, but that still doesnt make it a dustbin.

Right now on my desk that doesn't belong to me is a crunch corner yogurt lid (why?) scissors, hair bobbles, a plastic tea cup, misc leaflets that have come through the door, a plastic duck a wooden snake, post office recipts from hubby posting his ebay stuff. Several re-chargable batteries (dead) that should have been put into the charger. Playing cards, a peg, a wooden foot from some now footless toy, pebbbles, various usb cables and headphones, piglet has the sniffles sotry book, bubble wrap, a dead cordless mouse and cradle.. it goes on, and none of these belong to me!

So I started to clean it. I emptied the bin under my desk which was overflowing with all kinds of junk that they seem to use (if they actually use a bin) instead of walking to the kitchen, swept the floor and started on my desk. Hubby asks.. is it spring? [bugger off with your sarcasm!] So I calmly said, no I'm just sick of all the crap being dumped on my desk.. he then said (rather randomly) do you need anything fetching? I looked at him. He said, i'm going for a spin on my bike. Aha... [man mentality] woman is pissed off with untidy house and is throwing a cleaning fit.. man must escape and pretent to hunt wooly mammoth. aka.. bugger off on motorbike in the sun and hope she's done or the mad fit has passed when he gets home.

[sigh] back to it.. TTFN

Dear So and So....

2010-06-11T10:12:00.000+01:00

Dear Landline telephone...

You really are beginning to pig me off now! I don't use you very often (the fact that BT told me not to pay them this month and then halve my payments from now on, proves that), but c'mon, give me a break. Is it really necessary to start bleeping at me after 15 minutes to tell me that you no longer want to be a telephone and will shut down. Your battery life is supposed to be 10 hours not 15 minutes. I realise you might be trying to help me by giving me an excuse to get off the phone when someone in particular phones and starts nagging me like I'm still 5 years old, but occasionally I'd like to have a conversation that lasts longer than 15 minutes. I did warn you to behave yourself, but today you are going to be replaced.

Yours, with regret, Annie

Dear Hubby (funny how you always manage to appear in a Dear So and So...)

Haven't you realised yet that life and your body are trying to tell you something? Slow down a bit! Accept that you're no longer 21. Still not recovered from your football injury to your knee (complete knackerisation.. (cool word!!) of your ligaments), you only go and fall off your motorbike (again!) Thank god it was a slow speed crash and that your bike came off worse than you in the injury stakes, but that really is quite a large hole in your other knee. The skinned elbow could have been so much worse if you weren't wearing your armour protected jacket, but how did you manage to skin your hip/waist like that? So now your other knee is buggered and you are ~~hobbling~~ walking around like you have crapped your boxers. Please don't get angry with me when I laugh at your gait.. it is really funny and you'd laugh yourself if you could see it.

Yours simpathetically

Your ~~laughing~~ loving wife xx

Dear World Cup Football

Bugger off

Yours pissed-offedly

A. N. Other football widow.

Writing Workshop - Time

2010-06-10T16:14:00.002+01:00

The prompt I chose for Josie's writing workshop this week is Time. It's a bit of a cheesy rhyming poem, but c'est la vie.

Once upon a time

you were still here

Once upon a time

you were always near

Once upon a time

I sat on your knee

Once upon a time

you helped me climb a tree

Once upon a time

you mopped up my tears

Once upon a time

you shoo'd away my fears

Once upon a time

you seemed so tall

Once upon a time

I really was small

Once upon a time

I hugged you so tight

Now during this time

I whisper each night

I love you Dad and I miss you with all my heart.

Throwing out the TV....

2010-06-10T09:02:00.000+01:00

Oh how I wish I could....

I'm not a big TV watcher anyway, in fact, I'm wracking my brains to think of something I watch on a regular basis. The only things that come to mind are the MotoGP and the British Superbikes. I watch Springwatch, but I can take it or leave it. Nope, there's nothing else I can think of. Zingzillas and Chuggington don't count although I do watch them every morning, but that's because Isabelle has them on while she's getting ready for school. I do quite like Tinga Tinga.. (another of Isabelle's favourites) but that's by the by.

So last night hubby was away on business for the night. Oh yeah! Remote control to myself. It just reminded me why I don't watch TV. There was bugger all on. I just vegged on the sofa reading my book with the TV on in the background quietly as noise. When on came Big Brother (OMG nooooooooooo!!) I have never watched it on purpose. I have seen bits of it by accident but I really can't stand it. Last night was the selection process and OMG I just couldn't believe there could be so many idiots in one place. There are now 14 of these idiots holed up in one small bizarre house for the summer. The cat fights are going to be out of this world judging by the amount of short skirted, self loving bimbo's they've got in there including one girl who thinks she is Jordan/Katie Price. I will be avoiding Big Brother like the plague!

Then add to the TV schedule The World Cup. I hate football with a passion. A bunch of overpaid poofters running around after a bag of wind. (sorry if I've offended the football fans, this is just my opinion). My hubby and son are football mad and I'm not going to be able to avoid having the football on my TV. I'm not going to survive the month.

And on top of that we get Wimbledon for the last week in June, first week in July. Now I'm not opposed to a few games of tennis (especially if Nadal is playing - sexist of me I know, but hey).. I was even the tennis captain at school, but it's on all the time! I usually watch the semi finals and the finals, but if they're boring, I'll switch off until the last set.

Might as well throw in a few more very interesting competitions on the TV such as a watching paint dry competition or cutting the grass with toenail clippers. The latter will be much more intresting than Big Brother!

So what am I going to do for the next month? I think I'm going to have to go and trawl the charity shops for some good books to read, stock my mp3 player up with some good music and go into my own world.

How did that happen?

2010-06-09T10:28:00.001+01:00

My eldest daughter is 25 today! How on earth did 25 years just vanish so quick?

I'm still a young(ish) Mum at 41 and having a 4 year old keeps me young I think. But 25?!?!

Eve was born in 1985 when I was still only 16 years old. I was at college in Sheffield studying on a bakery and confectionary course. Every morning on the train, I'd throw up in those tiny little train loo's. I had no idea I was pregnant. I was on the pill afterall.. it never entered my head. Mum and I thought that the over-tiredness was due to the hour journey each way to Sheffield and back every day. It carried on, I didn't acclimatise. I went to the doctors. I was shocked to find out that I was 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. I had to go home and tell my parents. OMG! How on earth do you do that at 16 years old? I was given all the options, I chose to keep the baby. My beautiful, healthy baby girl was born weighing 7lbs 9 oz, 6 weeks before I turned 17. How could I not keep this wonderful tiny miracle? Social workers etc all came and sat around my bed and told me I could give my baby up for adoption and they could take her straight away. How could I give something away that I fell in love with instantly? They wouldn't leave me alone. Having a baby at 16 years old, 25 years ago was taboo. It wasn't done. You can't have single mothers walking around, it's wrong! They did everything they could to persuade me to give her up. In the end, my Dad had to put his foot down and tell them all where to go.

I think I did a pretty good job of raising my baby. She has never been in trouble with the police, she has never got into trouble for drinking or drug taking. We had a few very tough teenage years but we got through them. When she turned 21, she became a human being LOL, and one of the nicest human beings you could wish to meet. The teenage angst and problems made her the adult she is. She understands life can be pretty shit at times. She knows that I have always, and will always be there for her when the chips are down. She works hard, has never been unemployed and has a very good relationship with her boyfriend, and they are planning to get married.

Eve has and has always had her own ideas, and most of them are in cuckoo land, but that's just Eve. We accept that, and she's happy living there. Her bills are paid, she eats ok so what does it matter which land or planet her ideas are on.

She is a beautiful girl, whom we all love very much. I just wish she didn't live so far away that we rarely get to see her.

My beautiful baby girl, Eve. Happy 25th birthday sweetie xxxxx

Ignore me..

2010-06-08T13:55:00.000+01:00

sponsored reviews

Just ignore this post ;) thanks

An apology and a catch up

2010-06-08T12:02:00.000+01:00

Firstly, thank you SO MUCH for all your fantastic comments on my previous post for the Gallery. I'm overwhelmed by the response. It seems that I really do need to look into getting greetings cards/notecards printed up and for sale. My apologies for not responding to the comments before now but we went away on Wednesday lunch time camping and didn't get back until Sunday night and then I've had to do all the boring shite that goes with coming back from a holiday.. packing everything away again, shopping because my house looked like Old Mother Hubbard lived here etc... so hubby has gone back to work today and I finally have the house to myself, some peace and quiet and time to catch up on the computer.

If anyone wants to buy any of my photographs in any shape or form, please email me and I'm sure we can come to some agreement :)

So we set off on Wednesday lunchtime for our camping trip on the Llyn Peninsular in North Wales. It's only a couple of hours drive thankfully, as Isabelle doesn't travel too well.. but all hail to Boots travel tablets.. she travelled just great this time and was very proud of herself when she asked if she'd been very patient and not grumbling, and I told her yes she had been very good and I was very pleased with her.

I was looking forward to this camping trip a bit more than previous trips. We had a 4 man tent but it was quite small once you got both bedrooms up. There was only a small floor area inside and we couldn't stand up straight inside the tent, and I'm only 5' 3". So, I'd bought us a new tent, much to hubby's disgust. His idea of camping is the smallest tent you can find and a sleeping bag (not essential). Whilst I'm not one for taking everything including the kitchen sink, there are a few things I do find necessary. This includes airbed and sleeping bags. Enough room to stand up. Enough room for 3 people to move around without falling over everything. A few food basics (milk, bread, bacon, coffee), eating utensils and our little camping cooker. Hubby thinks I take far too much, but we have a 4 year old who does not live life as simply as hubby does. We need juice for her to drink and a few snacks to keep her going. She's happy to eat fruit, so I take some. I'm not prepared to take nothing and then 'pop to the spar' and pay twice as much for them once we get there.

Hubby complained about the size of the tent before it was even put up. He wasn't prepared to listen to any suggestions on the best way to put it up. He just complained. I ended up telling him to bugger off and I'd put it up on my own. And why on earth does he have to make the guy ropes so tight that it pulls the tent out of shape and you can't open and close the zips on the doors? I went and loosened them all off a bit LOL. He broke the zips on the last tent from pulling it too tight. So once the tent was up, he complained we might as well have stayed at home, seeing as the tent was almost the size of a house! It isn't. It is a 6 man tent... but it's one that has the sleeping pods on each end and a circular bit in the middle.. that I COULD stand up in. So I ignored him. I'd got a bargain and I was happy with it. It is £250 worth of tent that I picked up from ebay. It had only been used once (confirmed once it was put up) and I paid £75 for it - yay! By the end of the holiday, hubby had warmed to the tent and agreed I'd got a bargain, a helluva lot of tent for the money I paid and that it was really nice having that bit extra room. (ever wanted to smack your hubby for being an arse and then chaning his mind?)

Then we had a catastrophe according to Isabelle. Isabelle still had her bedtime bottle of milk to get her off to sleep. I've been trying to get her off it for ages, afterall she's going to be 5 in July. Neither of my other kids had bottles to go to bed with. Isabelle never had a dummy, and her bottle of milk was her most favouritest thing in the whole wide world (according to her). Hubby could see no problem with her having it and didn't back me up when I wanted rid of it. He said she'd stop having it when she was ready.. I said she'd be in her teens. Well, when I looked for it at bedtime, it wasn't there. I remember some things falling out of the box I'd packed, which hubby put back in and put the box in the car. The bottle didn't get put back in the box. Hubby said he'd go and find one at the spar shop. I said no. I told Isabelle that we had a bit of a problem and I needed her to be a big girl about it because I know she's a big girl and is very understanding. I told her we had no bottle. She cried a bit and told me she loved it and couldn't sleep without it etc.. but I put her some milk in her sports bottle in case she needed a drink, and she actually went to sleep. I had to phone my older son who was still at home (hopefully not wrecking the place) to find and then lose the bottle before we got home. She'd got it into her head that she could have it again when she got home, but I told her I couldn't find it, and she went to sleep without it again. She did cry a little bit to start with, but did good. Last night however, she woke in the night and really struggled to get back to sleep. I sat and held her hand, stroked her back and shushed her till she relaxed and she did go back to sleep again, although I heard her whimpering a couple of times, but she did it. Her 'going to bed' sticker chart is filling up nicely now. As a special treat while we were on holiday because she'd been such a big girl, she got to take a ride on a pony. She's been wanting to do it for ages but has never been quite brave enough. But now.. she's a big girl and big girls can ride a pony. she absolutely loved it, despite the slightly aprehensive look on her face.

Her other most favourite thing of the holiday was at the same place she had the pony ride. It was a bunny farm which was a little farm park with small animals that the kids could feed. There were baby lambs, baby pigs, puppies, ponies, hundreds of baby rabbits (which the kids could cuddle) chickens, ducks, alpaca, donkeys and Isabelle's two favourites, the peacock who (according to Isabelle) was showing off for the ladies.

Her other favourite was feeding the Rea. She was actually feeding the donkeys when all of a sudden a little head on a long neck poked it's way through the gate and pinched the animal food out of her hands. She laughed so hard i thought she was going to fall on the floor. She squealed with delight every time the rea pecked her hand for some food and all the other visitors near us were laughing at her laughing. Hysterical!

We had a lovely break camping and were lucky enough to get the tent all packed away literally 10 minutes before the rain started.

The Gallery - Still Life

2010-06-02T07:50:00.001+01:00

The theme for the gallery from Sticky Fingers this week is still life.

I bought some 'little people' from ebay and had fun creating little scenarios for a series of them. I hope you like them.

Unfortunately it's a briefly worded post. We're going camping at lunch time and I've got loads to do!

See you when i get back on Sunday!

Dear So and So....

2010-05-28T09:57:00.000+01:00

Time for a rant.....

Dear Big Fat Mercedes 4x4 driver

I realise that getting one's children to the swimming pool for their lesson straight after school can sometimes be a bit of a rush. But really, if you'd parked any closer to my car you would have parked on top of it! My car is only a little car. A tiny two door 1.4 Rover.. a baby car compared to your tank of a car. Was it really neccessary to park your extra wide wheels (which were twice the width of mine) well over the white line into my space yet leaving the same amount of space empty at the other side of your car? 3 inches really isn't enough room for me to open the door to the drivers side and get in my car to take my daughter home. I realise that I am larger than some people but even the skinniest person would not have got into the drivers door. My 4 year old couldn't squeeze between the cars! I had to climb over from the passenger side (thank god that driver was a bit more courteous!) and it wasn't an easy task due to my back/hip/knee problems that are being investigated medically.

I hope you took heed of the note that I left on your windscreen after driving around the carpark to do so. I surprised myself that I left you a polite note rather than a tirade of abuse, especially as I was very angry at the time!

Yours

unable to squeeze through a 3 inch gap, Annie

Dear Cat

For god's sake, stop pissing on the sofa cushions!!

Your

sick of washing!

Dear Hubby

I hate to be one to say... I told you so, but as this is in type and you won't see it... I told you so!!

You keep forgetting that I seem to be Florence Nightingale re-incarnate. Ok, so actually my Dad was a nurse, but that's by the by. I knew the damage you did to your knee wasn't just a sprained ligament. Ok, it might have been to start with, but when you went over on it again and couldn't walk on it all for 6 days and then had to rely on a walking stick, I really do wish you'd listened to me about getting a re-assessement on it.

I'm really sorry your plans to run your first marathon this coming Monday have been scuppered, I know how much you wanted to do it, especially after 9 months of training. I know you'd been kidding yourself on that you'd still be able to run it, but as the physio said yesterday.. no running! You now know that it's going to take several months to get your knee anywhere back to normal. It's bad enough anyone trying to strengthen up a sprained ligament, but you have to heal your whole knee... ligament on the outside of your knee, the one on the inside of the knee and the antierior cruiciate ligament in the middle (that's the one that is going to take some fixing.. it may even need surgery you know.. !) So please listen when the physio tells you not to push it. Thank god she says you can cycle.. otherwise you'd go into caged tiger mode and I'd be moving out!

Yours

Your loving, supportive, I told you so wife.

A bit of a quandry...

2010-05-19T11:24:00.000+01:00

OK, I need to write this out to try and help me come to a descision.

As I've mentioned before I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed 12 years ago and whilst I generally get on with life, occasionally, it knocks me flat. Moreso now I'm over 40. There isn't a day where I'm pain free, but some days are a lot easier than others. If I do a bit too much, I'm buggered for a couple of days and have to take it really easy and loads of painkillers.

Now, on to my quandry.

I haven't been employed since I went on maternity leave 5 years ago. I'm happy to be at home and look after Isabelle, and we can manage (just) financially. I have been going in to Isabelle's school one day a week and helping out in her class. Her teacher approached me a while ago and told me how much they enjoyed me working in the class with them. They love my working methods and how I am with the kids, and how much the kids enjoy me being there. All very flattering and made me feel good.

Yesterday I was approached when I picked Isabelle up from school and asked to apply for a job of classroom assistant as the one they currently have is going on maternity leave at the end of term. They want me to cover her job for her, with a possible long term job if she decides not to come back. The job is part time, which would suit me better than full time, but can my body cope with it? I'm not sure how many hours a week (I forogot to ask! doh!). I'm not sure if I could cope with working a full day in a class of 4 and 5 year olds. My hips and back give up after a while if I'm on my feet all the time. I suppose I should ask about the hours really.

I always worked in childcare while my elder two kids were little, and although my qualifications aren't up to date (as in NVQ's) I do have an NVQ3 in Business Admin from when I was an Office Manager. I have been told though, that for classroom assistant, experience counts more than paper qualifications. Apparently a glowing report has already been put forward by Isabelle's two teachers and the current classroom assistant to the head teacher of the school, which is really nice. I just need to decide whether my body will cope and should I put the application in this afternoon when I go in to help out or not. I suppose it wouldn't hurt. And if I do get the job, it is only temporary and if I can't cope physically, I can tell them. Afterall, I might just be fine.

There see... writing it down did help.

The Gallery - Me

2010-05-19T08:36:00.002+01:00

When Tara at Sticky Fingers announced this week's theme for the gallery, I could practically hear all the gasps from where I sit. This week we have to post a Self Portrait. Now everyone has stopped re-coiling in horror, there are some beautiful faces being posted, so pop over and check out the gallery at Tara's.

The reason we rarely like photographs of ourselves is because that's not how we recognise the face staring back. We're used to seeing ourselves in a mirror, so when you look at a photograph your face doesn't look the way we see it. If you flip the photograph over to mirror image it, you'll feel much more comfortable looking at it because you now recognise yourself.

Anyway.. my photograph. There really aren't many photographs of me at all. I avoid the camera at all costs, but I did try a self portrait a while ago. Note full makeup and 'done' hair? LOL. It's from about 8 months or so ago, but it's the most recent one I have.

So this is me, just about 1 year old I think. This was my most favourite thing in the whole world, my teddy chair (yes it really was a chair!)

Me not quite 2 years old.

Again, about 2 I think. I love this photo. As ever, one hair ribbon in, the other vanished for ever.

This one, I was about 4 I think. I was at playschool and I think this one just sums me up. Quite chilled out and relaxed about life. (I've just had to come back and edit this to say that although Isabelle looks very similar to me, she has the exact same head tilt and facial expression that I do here. Spooked me a bit as I've never noticed it before).

And this is me at 16. It was really sunny hence the squint to my eyes and very white clothes! Check out that 80's hair do LOL. When hubby saw this pic he said "yeah.. I'd have done that!" LOL thanks hun.

And me today (well, about a year ago actually, my hair is a lot longer now)

And the results are in...

2010-05-18T13:40:00.000+01:00

So last night was our last scheduled camera club session until September. I've no idea why the camera club season runs from September to May.. unless it's because no one turns up during the summer. I may have to investigate. But anyway... last night was the AGM including announcements of competition winners. So off I toddled.

The AGM was nowhere near as boring as I thought it was going to be, in fact we had a right old laugh, mainly at the competiton secretary who is Irish and can't say three.. he always says tree.. and caused much amusement when talking about the three winners for the tree triptych, but I guess you had to be there.

I seem to have somehow got elected onto the committee. I'm not sure I even agreed.. but hey ho. In a very male environment, there is only one female on the committee and it was suggested that there should be at least one other .. my name was put forward as a proposal and was instantly seconded, and then carried. Hmmm. I'm not quite sure who the culprits were, but I'll find out.. mwahaha.

And on to the happy bit. My successes during my first year at the camera club:

Overall winner in an inter-club photographic battle between all clubs in North Wales, with my bald eagle shot.

Digital Image of the Year overall winner again with my bald eagle shot

3rd place an in external floral photograph competition

2nd place overall in the digitally projected image competitions for this year. I was beaten by one point! If only I'd entered the one competition I didn't submit too.. arghh.

and (drumroll please)

1st place overall in the Prints competitons for this year.

Next week is presentation week, so I'll be toddling off there to collect a couple of trophies :) yay!

I've put together a slideshow with some nice tinkly pretty music to accompany it, of all the photographs submitted to the camera club competitions. If you have 3 minutes and 25 seconds to spare, I'd love you to take a loook at it. Please note that the quality isn't brilliant now it's uploaded and the pictures are much better in real life.

The downside to the winning is that I now have to enter the Advanced category - yikes! Wish me luck?

Now off to walk around for the rest of the day with a smug grin on my face. It's a good job no one else is home LOL

Wallpapering with a 4 year old is...

2010-05-17T08:48:00.001+01:00

....definately not a good idea!

We'd been having problems with Isabelle going to bed. From being a baby, she always went to bed really well (although she still woke up in the night at least once!) but I could put her to bed, read her a story and that was her sorted, she'd go to sleep. Up until about two months ago. She then started creating a fuss. The usual, I don't want to go to bed... I can't sleep.. I don't like the dark.. The shadows scare me (despite her having a night light) .. etc. Some nights she was still shouting and crying at nearly 10pm after me putting her to bed at 7.30. She'd cry so hard she'd start coughing and almost make herself sick. My usually patient temperament wavered. Mark kept going on and on.. let her stay up.. erm.. NO. He's always been very relaxed about bedtime and thinks kids should go to bed when they drop. Isabelle is a full on child and doesn't drop! and it's always been me that insists on bedtime, rightly or wrongly. So it was time for a plan.

I discussed bedtime with Isabelle. I made a star chart for her.. (she has always responded well to star charts) and laid out the rules. She would get ready for bed at 7pm and it's calm down time. This is particularly difficult for a child who just cannot sit still for more than 2 minutes. It doesn't help that Mark is the same way and they just hype each other up! 7.30 is tiddle and teeth time (as we call it). I (or dad) will then read her a story. Then she can have 10 minutes reading time to herself. Then the one who didn't read her story will go up and tuck her in and put the lights out. Providing she goes to sleep quietly and doesn't get up and put the light back on to read again (as she had done on numerous occasions and we found her reading at 10.30pm), then she'd get a sticker in the morning. If she managed to get two full weeks of stickers then I would decorate her bedroom for her, changing it from the babyish Pooh Bear wallpaper to a big girl's bedroom.

She faultered on the first two nights and was so upset (beside herself) and angry with herself that she'd not gone to sleep quietly and therefore didn't (despite trying to bargain with me) get her sticker. She learnt quickly.. and has, since then, gone to bed like the perfect child. So I had to uphold my part of the bargain. So off we went for paint and a pretty new border for her bedroom. My original plan was to leave the lilac paint on the top half of the wall that was already there, paint the bottom half and add a border. As ever, my plan fell at the first hurdle.

I took the Pooh Bear stickers off the top part of the wall and there were dark prints where the paint had faded around them. Bugger! I couldn't paint over the wallpaper on the lower half because as a toddler, Isabelle had had a good old session pulling wallpaper off on one wall. As I pulled the wallpaper off the rest of the room, it took the paint off in patches underneath it, so as I painted with the new paint, it looked terrible. On to plan B. Back down to B&Q to buy wallpaper. The quick job I'd envisioned wasn't going to happen.

But ahhhh the new inventions of the modern world. Paste you put straight onto the wall! Yay! No more buggering about with a bucket and packet of wallpaper paste, paste table that you've no room on the landing for etc etc.

So delighted was Isabelle that she was having pretty flowers in her bedroom that she declared that she would help. Noooooooooo! No it's ok honey, I can manage thanks. Go and see Daddy. Daddy just went out. (oh great! and thanks for telling me!) Isabelle's room is the tiny little cupboard that they class as a bedroom, and with her bed, set of drawers and wardrobe in there, plus me and wallpaper, there's not really room to move, especially when she was insisting on being in there too and 'helping' by passing the paste brush/wallpaper/scissors/favourite teddy etc. Why the hell did hubby bugger off when he knew I needed him to supervise his daughter.

Anyway.. to cut a long story short (as short as my temper was by the end of the day) I managed to get the wallpaper on, including that bloody awful fiddly bit around the radiator and it still looked reasonable. Isabelle gave me one of her good girl stickers because I was "just fantastic" for wallpapering.

So today I have to paint the top half and then get the border on. Physically, I'm not sure I can do it. Due to fibromyalgia, my body is absolutely screaming today and I have a busy afternoon and evening ahead. I could leave it for hubby to do if I want a botch job, although he is still in a lot of pain with the torn ligament in his knee, and I really don't feel like trying to coerce/bribe/blackmail him into doing it when he gets home from work, so I may as well do the job myself, even if it takes the rest of the week to do.

All that said, I do think it will look nice once it's done, but I'm definately not going into the painting and decorating business, especially with a 4 year old "helper".

changed names?

2010-05-14T09:43:00.000+01:00

Over the years in our house, due to having three kids, things have had their names change.

These new names are now used in place of the original names, and we get odd looks occasionally when we use them instead of it's real name, especially if we don't have any of the kids with us.

The worst occasion was when I phoned for a Chinese takeaway and could not for the life of me remember the word Prawn Crackers. They're moon crackers in our house, and I got a chuckle from the lady I was odering the meal with when I had to apologise but could not remember the real name. She knew what I meant though when I asked for moon crackers.

Some of the other items which have been renamed are:

Fligmo's - Flamingo's

Crumpy Bar - comes from 'crunchy bar' aka cerial bar

MaM's - this is a new one from Isbelle. She just could not get her head around M&M's, so they are now MaM's

Uptopter - Helicopter

PingWing - Penguin. This has lead to the made up joke by my 4 year old, what noise does a penguin's telephone make? pingwing... pingwing... pingwing.. (you may have to say it out loud to get it properly LOL)

Punkin - pumpkin. All three kids have called them punkins.

I'm sure there are many more that we use on a daily basis but I just can't think of them right now. Typical!

Do you have any changed names? I'd love to hear them.

The Gallery - Men

2010-05-12T09:06:00.000+01:00

And so quickly after the last one (ok, it's a week but it's gone so fast!) the Gallery theme is: Men. Pictures of the men in your life - dads, sons, uncles, teachers, partners, brothers.

My most favourite man in the whole world is no longer with us. My Dad. It will be 6 years in just over a month since he died. A very painful time for me and I'm already dreading that anniversary day. I'll deal with it. But by god it hurts. These are two of my favourite photos of me with my dad (although my younger brother is in the second shot too. What is really shocking for me, every time I see him, is that the younger brother in the second photo is now aged 36 and the absolute double of my dad in the first shot. It could quite easily be the same person. It spooks me every time I see him.

And on to the men currently in my life.

Aged 21 I had a son. A brother for his then 5 year old sister. He was 8lbs 7oz born, a nice chubby baby boy. He was hell on earth! Now I know that so many people can say that they gave birth to a devil child, but seriously, this kid was so bad that my mum refused to have him at all and said he was satan himself. Looking back, if I'd have had his behaviour investigated he would have been labled ADHD or something similar, but back then (he's 20 in 2 weeks time) it wasn't a priority of health care to lable kids with some disorder or not like they do now. But I'm glad I didn't get him a lable. He has turned out into one of the nicest 19/20 year old's you could wish to meet. He grew out of his childhood frustrations and violent temper tantrums and now, really doesn't have a temper at all. He's very laid back and easy going and very trustworthy, and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mum, he really is like that. This is my baby boy.

This is from a photoshoot I did for him and his band. He's in the hat on the far left.

And then there's the other man in my life. The pig headed know it all, extremely stubborn man that is my hubby. I make him sound awful, but as well as these being his weaknesses, they are also his strengths and have got him to where he is today. He has the determination and sheer pig headdedness to succeed that I don't. He will beat something into submission, he won't let anything get the better of him. I have the calm and patience that he doesn't, so between us we can achieve anything. We are very different kinds of people but work so well together because of that. I can take and use his strengths and he can do with same with mine. He frustrates the poop out of me sometimes, but I'm sure I do the same for him. I really couldn't do it all without him sometimes.

yes, he agreed to get most of his kit off for a photoshoot for me LOL, and the guitar shot is the essence of him. He didn't know I took this photograph, he was lost in what he was doing. Oh, and btw, he doesnt' smoke anymore. he gave up 5 years ago and has never smoked since.

So there you have it. The important men in my life. Don't forget to pop over to Sticky Fingers and check out the other wonderful posts for this week's gallery. Grab a cuppa first though, you may be there some time.

I'm going to have a little gloat...

2010-05-10T23:28:00.001+01:00

.... if that's ok with you?

Last September I joined our local camera club. It was an opportunity to mix with other photographers in real life, as opposed to mixing with them online. I really enjoy my Monday evenings at the club. We have a laugh, practical evenings, talks (I hate the word lectures) and Monthly competitions, as well as the odd extra competition thrown in for different reasons.

Now, I'm not a very competetitve person... ok, scratch that.. yes I am a very competitive person, and so I always enter the competitions at club. It made a change for me to be allowed to enter a photography competition as I run The Photographers' Corner (an online photography site) and can't enter the competitions I run there (my own rule - but I set the comps and can see previews of all entries, so it really wouldn't be fair).

So I entered the camera club comps each month and we are now awaiting the results, due to be announced next Monday night. We have a print category for beginners and one for advanced (I'm in the beginners because I've been doing photography for less than 5 years) and we also have a Digitally projected image category again, beginners and advanced. I've scored quite high, I do know that, but not sure how high compared to the others. So I'll wait with baited breath next week!!

But back to tonight. Tonight was Print of the Year and Digital Image of the year. No beginners or advanced tonight, they were all in together. The evening started ok with my wooly coo shot getting a Commended score in the print section, but that was my highest. Half time break saw me win the raffle (a nice box of cadbury's Celebrations!) and I was also presented with a bottle of wine for coming third in an external floral competition with this yellow rose (click it to see the full size)

And then the long wait while the judge went through each of 90 (ish) images saying what he liked/didn't like about each one. But I am very very happy to say that I did better in the Digitally projected image category. This shot (Daisy Daisy) was Commended...

But my Bald Eagle (having won me 1st place in an inter-club competiton between 7 clubs) did me proud again.

I was awarded 1st place and I now hold the title for Digitally Projected Image of the Year. Aaaaand, I'll get a trophy for it too.. wooohooooo!!

Annoyingly I did hear someone at the back say ... "again?" I ignored him LOL I really should get this photograph printed and framed and hung on the wall. It's come 2nd in an international photography magazine competition, and 1st in two different camera club competitions. He deserves to be on the wall really doesn't he?

Volcano's, Ligaments and what I made

2010-05-07T11:22:00.000+01:00

It's a bit of a catch up really.

4 year old Isabelle on the still erupting Icelandic Volcano that I certainly won't attempt to spell.

Isabelle: Mummy, daddy's friend got stuck in Gibralta because he couldn't fly home because of that erupting volcano didn't he?

Me: Yes he did

(brief discussion on how he got home and explained that the planes couldn't fly due to the ash in the atmosphere)

Isabelle: Mummy... I know a way to fix the volcano and stop it putting ash in the sky

Me: Oh? do you? (loving my 4 yr old's imagination and logic) and how could they fix it then?

Isabelle:They could just put a big rock over the top of it in the hole.

Me: (ignoring all the reality facts and curious about where she's going with this) It would have to be a very big rock, how would they find such a big rock?

Isabelle:The wouldn't have to look very hard, if it's a big rock they'd see it straight away.

Me: But if it's a very big rock, how would they lift it?

Isabelle: By getting lots and lots of people to carry it, silly.

Me: But you've forgotten that volcano's are very hot, they'd fry.

Isabelle: What's fry?

Me: Like putting sausages in a frying pan, they'd cook.

Isabelle: (Hysterical laughter at the thought of people looking like sausages standing at the edge of a volcano looking like a sausage - she told me when she stopped laughing)

Isabelle:They could wear fireman's suits, drop the rock into the volcano hole and it would stop the ash getting into the sky.

Me: Yes that would be a very good idea. I wonder why they didn't think of that (omitting to explain the reality of a volcano and the force projected would fire the rock up into the sky etc)

I love her logic and thinking on the hoof..

Ligaments and the danger of internet diagnosis

My hubby (the one who changed from alcoholic slob to fitness freak) has been training since he did his first half marathon last May, to do a full marathon. This marathon takes place on the 31st of May. He's managed to run 20 and a bit miles for the past few weekends and was planning another 20 miler this weekend with a full marathon as a practice next weekend ready for the real thing. As the marathon has got closer and closer he's been getting more and more aware that he's got to be careful what he does so that he doesn't injure himself before the big one. Hubby being the man that he is, wouldn't listen when I suggested that he didn't play his weekly game of football on a Wednesday night for a month before the run. Not because I'm a misery spoil sport, but because he plays football hard.. on astro-turf and comes back every weekend bleeding from "I nearly had it in the goal but was tackled badly".

So on Wednesday night he was home half an hour early. He hobbled out of the car and came into the house. "What have you done now?" I asked with a giggle as him hobbling in is a usual practice.. but he went into the kitchen and was almost in tears with pain. He's a very manly man normally, so I knew this was bad. I (as usual) turned into Florence Nightingale. I always do it, I can't help it.. I see an accident and I turn into miss Nightingale every time. I mop up blood and generally fix whoever is broken without even thinking about it. So I helped him to the couch, out came the icepack and questions. It was his knee. He'd turned awkwardly and heard a snap and a pop and his knee just gave way. OK, says Florence.. A&E it is for you. He refused to go. Now, last time he refused to go to A&E it took me 3 hours to convince him to go and it turned out he'd broken his ankle and ended up with a cast and proceeded to drive me insane for 6 weeks! I knew his knee wasn't broken, but I was worried he'd torn a ligament down the outside of his knee (judging from what he was telling me). I seem to have a built in Florence Nightingale gene (actually my dad was a nurse, so that's probably where it came from). We checked on the internet to find common sporting knee injuries. He diagnosed himself.. and despite me saying it wasn't that, I was sure, he insisted it was. If it was this thing, it would need surgery and rehabilitation and blah blah blah.. It took me until the next morning to convince him to go to get it checked at A&E. To cut a long story short, it's sprained the lateral ligaement (I won't gloat, but it was the one I said he'd damaged) and treatment is anti-inflamatories and ice. He did make me laugh though when the dr in A&E told him what it was, hubby almost jumped up and down for joy, saying "brilliant, that's fantastic". The dr looked a bit puzzled until I explained he'd been training almost a year for his marathon and was relieved it wasn't too serious. Hubby then asked if he could still run in his marathon in 3 weeks time. The dr gave a shrug of the shoulders and said, doubtful. Mark took that as a yes. (insert eye rolling from me) so we'll see how quickly he recovers.

and finally on to Look what I made

I've never made a rag doll before so I thought it was about time I tried. I bought a lovely kit from Sew and Sew

I cut it all out as per the instructions

I was harrassed by above mentioned 4 year old to 'get a move on and get it finished'. So I ended up spending the rest of the day making this fairy princess doll.

She ended up going to bed with Isabelle (minus the wings as I'd not had enough time to sew them on before bedtime, but I put them on the next morning). So this is Fairy Princess Lucy, Isabelle's newest favouritest dolly.

I have to say that Sew and Sew were great. Fast delivery, excellent instructions and a happy 4 year old. I did make a few mistakes, but overall, not a bad attempt for a first try.

Anyway, enough rambling, have a great weekend!

The Gallery - The World Around Us

2010-05-05T09:16:00.001+01:00

As it's Wednesday, it's Gallery Day. The theme from Sticky Fingers this week is The World Around Us. So which bit of the world do I show you? I'm not very well travelled, sadly, and both times I went abroad, I wasn't into photography. So it has to be somewhere in the UK. Where better to show you, than the area I live in. I live just outside Chester, which is an absolutely beautiful City (it's a City because it has a Cathederal). I hope you don't mind a bit of a history lesson too.

Chester is probably best known for it's shop front Tudor architecture. The main shopping area is like a double decker bus in that there are shops on top of shops at two levels, and they all have the gorgeous black and white tudor frontage.

One of the most photographed things in Chester is it's very ornate (and recently re-furbished) clock, which stands on top of a bridge going over the main street.

Chester became one of the main centres of the Roman Empire and it's recently thought to have been the home of the Roman Emperor and it still has the red stone city walls around it. You can walk around the city walls still. It is also home to the largest known military amphitheatre in Britain, which they are still excavating and have recently discovered that it is in fact much larger than they originally thought. You can walk down the amphitheatre steps and stand in the centre of it. A bit bizarre really especially when you think that gladiators would have fought to the death in there.

There is a beautiful park where you can spend hours wandering around and feed the very tame squirrels

and also take a boat along the River Dee.

The boat trip is a much slower pace to the hustle and bustle of the main street (I have 'played' with this shot to give it a different look)

And then there's the zoo. I love Chester Zoo and can spend hours there. So I thought I'd finish this gallery post with a few of my favourite friends at Chester Zoo. You can click the images to see them larger.

What day?

2010-05-04T11:08:00.000+01:00

Today is Star Wars Day

What I hear you say? yes, it's Star Wars Day - May the 4th be with you.

I know it's a groaner but May the 4th has officially been adopted by the International Jedi Religion due to the well known phrase from Star Wars "May the Force Be With You".

I'm not a religious person at all, and I'm not even really a Star Wars fan, but my brothers were. And it amuses me that A Jedi Religion was founded.

This story amused me from last year. The founder of the UK Jedi religion was thrown out of tesco last year for refusing to remove his hood.(Jedi knights were dark brown robes with hoods on), but the line Tesco came back with was brilliant... [quote] They claimed that the three most well known Jedi Knights in the Star Wars movies - Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker - all appeared in public without their hoods."[end quote] which was in fact true.

But the guy claimed that (Tesco) "They wasted my personal time. They were rude and not very nice to me. They had three people around me. It was intimidating." So much for being a Jedi.. where was the force when he needed it?

And on to one of my favourite clips (mock up I might add) on you tube of the moment when Luke Skywalker removed the helmet from Darth Vader.. this has my crying with laughter. If you don't know the movie Star Wars you probably won't have a clue what the clip is about.. (sorry).

So... Happy Star Wars Day and May the 4th be with you

Dear Annie...

2010-05-02T13:08:00.000+01:00

You knew there would be a price, but why are you so surprised (and pigged off)?

A day out to Oulton Park to photograph the British Superbikes, and all those men in leathers with throbbing machines between their legs.. an ideal day out for you, I know you were happy about it. But you really should have known there'd be a price to pay when you got home.

Surely you realise by now that your hubby looking after his daughter for the day is asking a great deal. yes I realise he offered because he 'didn't fancy' Oulton Park because he'd be bored and actually said he'd look after Isabelle for a few hours for the first time since she was born almost 5 years ago, but you should have expected that being male, he can only think of one thing at a time, and that's usually his motorbikes.

Your suggestion of taking Isabelle on the bus to Chester was a good idea, but you didn't foresee his trip out costing £20 did you? I know you still can't work out how it cost that much, but you've accepted it and handed over the money.

You should know by now that he doesn't do dishes, so why were you so surprised to get home and see not only a sink full of dirty dishes, but an entire kitchen full. And when you mentioned it, the sarcasm you used didn't go down too well.. I mean.. saying. oh, is this my pennance for a few hours to myself was obviously going to be met with "I've looked after YOUR daughter all day". We both know that you were only gone from 9am to 3.30pm, but that seems to count as all day.

And why were you so surprised when he got his jacket and bike helmet and went straight out for a bike ride? You know he can't cope with dealing with anyone but himself, of course he was going to leave straight away to have his free time, and I know he does this all the time, so it was no shock for him to do it as soon as you got home. You did manage to ask him what Isabelle had had to eat whilst you were ~~out glorying it up and having a great time alone~~ at the race track, but why were you surprised.. despite saying before you left, to make sure she has something to eat. You weren't specific enough were you? When she was crying with headache and her tummy hurting, and asked if she'd had anything to eat and she replied a chocolate muffin from McDonalds, really shouldn't have surprised you. And on questioning your hubby as he started the bike up to escape he told you she indeed had eaten a chocolate muffin from McDonalds, plus 'misc crap' ie, sweets, ice poles and biscuits. There was no need to shake your head in dispair when he told you that he thought she'd ask for real food when she was hungry. He obviously doesn't realise that 4 year olds are quite content to live on junk food. I don't think he was too impressed with being told that he is the adult and in charge and should guide her as to what she should be eating, not letting her call the shots.

But put all that behind you, the dishes are now done and your hands are nice and soft. Your child no longer has a hunger headache since you fed her a proper meal and you have some pretty cool shots of the bikers racing yesterday and I know that these few are your favourites. (check out the heat haze in the first one - every sports photographer loves heat haze!)

Please remember Annie, that you really should expect to pay the price for your free time, and don't be annoyed that he used that line "I looked after your daughter all day" even though she is HIS daughter too.

Yours faithfully,

Your conscience.

The Gallery - Portrait

2010-04-28T08:55:00.001+01:00

Yay it's Gallery day again, as set by Tara at Sticky Fingers. This week's subject is portraits. Not my strongest photographic subject by a long way. So I thought I'd give you a very rare moment, and post a self portrait. So this is me (notice the inches of slap on my face? LOL. I rarely wear this much makeup) I'm always at the other side of the camera, so I'm never in any photographs. This is from last year, and my hair is quite a bit longer now.

I also wanted to show this photograph of my youngest. She was sitting in the dog's bed by the patio doors. The light was lovely and she was away with the fairies LOL, but she just looked so cute at the time.

Shortlist

2010-04-26T09:52:00.003+01:00

I wasn't sure what to blog about today. Nothing overly exciting has happened. I'm still mid fibro-flare and have very little energy for anything that involves strength. I really want to move my daughter's bedroom around as we're having going to bed problems, but there is no way I can lug wardrobes and drawers around, so that will have to wait. The weather is a bit dubious, with nice big billowing grey clouds which look like they may empty at any moment, so I'm staying in. I do have to decide which three printed photographs and three digital images I need to submit for the camera club competition (final round) tonight, which is Print of the Year and Digtitally Projected Image of the year, and I just can't decide which ones to go with. For the prints, this is my shortlist, but I need to elimnate one of them (click any of the images to view them full size): L-R - Gloomy Mill, Wooly Coo, Gizza Kiss, Trio of Tulips

Then for the digitally projected images (projected onto a large screen) this is my shortlist. (the bald eagle is definately going in, this is one of my most successful shots to date), but I need to eliminate two.

arghhhhh! I'm so indecisive (and competetive). Whatever I enter in each category will be up against everyone elses best shots, and despite me telling myself I'm not competetive.. I am. I have been quite successfull in the camera club competitions so far and points from these images entered will also count towards the Photographer of the Year competition. I don't know where I stand at the moment, but it is towards the top in the overall standings, and there's trophy's to be won!!

I'm not a natural born winner, and I'm don't particularly excell in anything, but I do have a passion for photography and results are proving that I'm not bad at it really, so to win a trophy for something I absolutely love and is purely me and my camera, no one else helps to get the results, it's all me... would be a bit achievement in my mind.

So, decisions decisions! I have until about 6.30pm tonight to decide which to go with. Help??

The Fibro Demon...

2010-04-25T10:10:00.001+01:00

Another morning, eyes open

What will it bring today

I haven't got out of bed yet

Acutally, I'm ok

Feet on the floor, I'm upright

C'mon body get on your merry way

my legs don't want to work again

Actually, I'm half ok

Get down the stairs, get a drink

the old woman hobble in full force today

shuffle, stop, shuffle, stop

Actually, I'm not ok

I try to be cheerful, smiling

Goodmorning, another lovely day

but you can't see pain inside me

Actually, I'm not ok

I try not to moan and grumble

But this is my life day to day

wrapped in pain and things that don't work

Actually, I'm not ok

And so eventually to bed again

I've got through another day, hooray

Are you ok you ask me?

My polite, well trained answer, yes,

But actually, I'm not ok.

The invisible disease with no cure, and is very hard to explain to someone who can't see anything wrong with you. What is Fibromyalgia? Take a read HERE I've been suffering what is known as a 'fibro flare' for the past month. This is when symptoms flare up and are amplified for no specific reason. 'Fibromites' as we're often called, rarely let on what's really happening. People get bored with how you are really feeling and we adapt the 'yes I'm ok thanks' attitude and put on a brave face. But just because we look ok, doensn't mean we are pain free. Pain free is a thing of the past and has been for 12 years since I was diagnosed at 29 years old.

You don't what?

2010-04-23T09:54:00.001+01:00

I thought I'd follow up yesterday's post on a similar note. The follow on.

Edit: Now I've posted it, it's really long.. so grab a cuppa first LOL

But first I'd really like to say a huge thank you to everyone who read and left a comment yesterday. I am so grateful for your kind words, you really have no idea.

So my hubby made the decision to stop drinking, and he stopped there and then. He didn't go on one last bender, that was it. He was done. Just because he only drank at the weekend, didn't make him any less an alcoholic (by his own admission), because an alcoholic is someone who can't control their alcohol intake. He lived for the weekends, and that was the only way he'd get through the week, knowing he could drink at the weekend. He has quite a high powered job and decisions made, if made wrongly, could cause huge problems, so he needed a clear head for that. But if he was on holiday from work, he'd drink every night. But as I said, he made the decision to stop.

The first 'clean' weekend was the worst. It was awful for him. He was antsy and couldn't settle. We talked and I think he ended up going to bed at about 9.30pm because he just had to escape the drink demons yelling at him. I felt guilty, really guilty, because I was putting him through this. I'd made him choose, drink and oblivion, or his family. I know he'd made the decision, but it was me that forced him to do so. He decided to do something constructive and started to work out with the weights at home that had been sat dormant for months and months. He also decided to stop smoking, and that included the hash smoking (which brought on a whole new set of problems when he smoked dope.. especially alongside alcohol), so he was going totally clean. The one thing I envy about my hubby is his will power and determination. He's a very strong willed and opinionated person, but I don't have that strength, I'm quite weak and will avoid situations if I can. But once he'd made his decisions, that was it. He stuck to them. I was his support system. (that I CAN do). He decided to start running. He'd never done any exercise before in his life.. and he half killed himself running for the first time, but it gave him something to channel into. 4 years on, he has completed the Manchester 10K (his first proper run), a half marathon, The Hellrun (it was hell btw) and on the 31st of May this year he is doing his first organised marathon and is running 20 miles regularly each weekend in preparation as well as the weekday evening (shorter) runs.

But I've drifted away from my orignial point for this post.

It seems that it is so hard for anyone to understand 'I don't drink'. You can't go to a BBQ without having a drink. You can go to a work's night out without having a drink. People look at you as if you're crazy.. what do you mean you don't drink? It appears to be socially unacceptable. Not so much for me, because when I stopped drinking due to hubby's increased drinking, I find it hard to have a drink now. It scares me. It brings back too many nightmares and emotions that I can't deal with. I never really liked drinking THAT much to start with, so it was no great loss to me. Although I do have the option to have a drink if I really feel like it, but that's a very rare occasion. It seems acceptable to other people when I order a diet coke and say, no I don't drink thanks. Oh, ok, comes the reply, it may come with a shrug of the shoulders, but it's accepted. But when a man orders a diet coke he gets bizarre looks as if his head has fallen off, and if he says no thanks, I don't drink, the whole world stops around him, and everyone looks and says "WHAT??" The time that hubby's not drinking seemed to be the end of the world (not for him though) was at New Year when we went to visit his parents. He'd not had a drink for just over 9 months and was completely over thinking about drinking. But his parents are hard drinkers. I have never known anyone drink so many tins of beer like his mum does.. not even hubby. She is a tiny woman and can't weigh more than 8stone and a bit (seriously!) yet she can drink like a navvy.

On our loooong drive up to Scotland for Hogmanay we talked about how drink being around the house so freely would affect him. He wasn't bothered in the slightest. I asked about what if his mum pressured him. (I know what she's like) and he said he'd deal with it, even if he had to sit with a glass of beer at the side of him, just to appease her. I was very nervous! I was right though, she didn't understand. She just couldn't get her head around it. What do you mean you don't drink anymore? Why? He told her it was causing too many problems, he was loosing days on end, and he didn't like the loss of control in his life. But sadly, she just didn't get it. She brought him a tin of beer anyway, telling him, you can't not drink, that's stupid. I just looked at him. He shook his head in a 'I'm not going to drink it' way to me and he didn't. I am so proud of him for getting through that 5 day visit, including New Year's Eve when his mum poured him a Jack Daniels to see the bells in, which he didn't drink either.

It just amazes me that people can react the way they do about someone saying they don't drink alcohol. Why are we seen as freaks? They look at you as if you have three heads or something and they just don't seem to be able to comprehend that you've made this decision. I mean, why on earth would we not want to drink? Why would we not want to drink so much that we are no longer in control of what we do and say. Why would we not want to get up in the morning (or afternoon come to that) feeling like utter and complete shite? and then spend the rest of the day recovering.

I don't have a problem with anyone drinking alcohol (except my hubby of course), it's their decision and I'm fine with that. In fact, they're pretty damn entertaining to watch as they drink more and more LOL and this is one of the things my hubby commented on when he had a works night out.. he couldn't believe how stupid people get when they drink. He'd obviously never seen it before. He asked if he was like that... I just answered, yes, and didn't elaborate LOL, I just had a twinkle in my eye and he laughed.

So if you are a drinker... cheers ... and enjoy it. But I'll have a diet coke please, and so will my other half.

Writing Workshop

2010-04-22T09:02:00.000+01:00

For this week's writing workshop from Josie at Sleep is for the Weak I've chosen the prompt:

A moment of realisation and knew that something HAD to change

Why do you put up with it? Why do you love this 'monster' How can you go through the same thing every weekend, week after week after week? These are all questions I asked myself. I always made excuses. He's not a monster, not really. The monster lives in the beer glass, or the wine bottle. It's not really him. The alcohol monster takes over. It spoils our weekends. Causes fights on a Friday night.. and then on a Saturday night too. It spoils our Saturdays because it makes him sleep until 3pm sometimes.. and then it started to happen on Sundays. Weekends became a lonely time for me...and he was oblivious. He'd get up in time to have something to eat and then start drinking again. This was our life. We'd both work all week, and because he thought he'd worked so hard all week, he deserved a 'treat'. Except his treat was my nightmare.

To start with, weekends were fun. We'd have a drink and a good laugh, but it got so that 4 beers or 6 beers wasn't enough for him, so we'd have a bottle of Jack Daniels to go along with it. I don't mean a small bottle, I mean a litre bottle. There was none left in the morning. It didn't take long before it was a 12 pack of beer plus JD on a Friday then wine for him on a Saturday because "it wasn't good to drink so much beer two nights running". Then the fights started. I tried to avoid them, I hate arguing at the best of times, even more so when he was irrational due to alcohol. I stopped drinking altogether. He carried on. The fights became physical. I spent the weekend with huge puffy eyes from crying, he'd get up on Saturday wondering what the hell happened and why I wouldn't talk to him. He had no idea what was going on.

It then started that I'd get to Wednesday and think, oh no, it's nearly Friday. On Friday, I was quiet all day. When he opened the first tin of beer, I'd want to hide. I made plans in my head to escape, but it never happened. The evening would start off pleasant enough, then it would slide into my weekend nightmare.

And then Isabelle was born, but the weekends carried on the same, but I had someone else to look after. I had to be in a fit state to care for my baby in the morning. I couldn't do that if I was an emotional wreck. I packed out bags on Thursday afternoon in preparation for Friday night. Plenty of clothes for me and my baby. I could take no more. If he starts on Friday night, I will get my baby, put her in the car and I will leave. I had no idea where I was going, probably to my mum's, but I had to get out. I couldn't take anymore. It was destroying me and any feelings I had for him. He was such a strong person during the week, he was fun to be with, clever and entertaining and funny, but the weekends.. the alcohol monster took over

Friday night arrived and 9 tins of beer were gone. He told me (not asked) to go to the supermarket and buy some more. 12 tins wasn't going to be enough. I told him I wouldn't go. This is when the explosion happened. He erupted like a volcano. His language was shocking, his insults to me were the worst thing I've ever heard anyone say about someone else, especially someone you are supposed to love. He grabbed the car keys and his parting gesture was to headbutt me in the face on his way out, breaking my nose. Blood everywhere.. and he was gone. I didn't know how long he would be gone for. He'd had 9 tins of beer, yet he was driving the car. He didn't come back that night. I had a mixture of emotions. Thank god he'd gone, was he lying in a ditch somewhere after crashing the car? Had be been pulled over by the police? Was he parked up in a car park sleeping? No. I had a text message from my Father in Law. He'd driven for 5 hours up to his mums in Scotland.

So this was it. What next? Was it life as a single mother again for me? I certainly couldn't live with an alcholic any longer. I spent a lot of that weekend thinking. The Sunday was Mother's Day.. a long and lonely Mother's Day, spent thinking. The conclusion was that although I loved the sober man, I hated the drunken one. I wasn't prepared to live (or drag myself) through the weekends to spend time with the sober man I was married to during the week.

The phone rang, it was him. He had no recollection of what had happened. He can't even remember driving to Scotland. He wanted to come home to talk. I didn't know if I wanted to see him. I'm not a very strong person when it comes to facing things, I'd rather hide, but this is one thing I had to face up to, be strong and speak my mind no matter what he thought, this was mine and my kids future and he wasn't going to wreck it.

He did come back, we did talk, for three days. He slept on the sofa as I asked and we did some serious talking. I told him I wasn't prepared to live with this anymore. I told him all the things he had done when he was drunk. He could obviously see my nose was broken this time and he cried when I told him how it happened. I told him all the things he called me, he cried again. He didn't want to hear anymore, but I made him listen to the catalogue of events that had happened over the last 5 years. He wanted to curl up and die. I gave him my ultimatum. If you want this marriage to work, you can only come back if you stop drinking. If you need time to think about it, fine, but you need to make a decision. I am sticking by my descion, make yours and stick by that. (This is so not like me, I'm a whimp really).

This was just over 4 years ago. He hasn't had a drink since. We spend time as a family at the weekends and he's rarely in bed past 9am.

The only regret I have, is that it got to breaking point before I realise that something HAD to change.

The Gallery - 7 Deadly Sins

2010-04-21T08:58:00.000+01:00

The promt for this weeks' gallery from Tara at Sticky Fingers was the 7 deadly sins. Pick one from the list. I picked Gluttony.

Feel free to lick the screen on any of these photographs, they're calorie free if you do it that way rather than actually eat them.

The reason I opted for gluttony, is that when I'm taking these photographs, my hubby is always stood behind me shouting hurry up and take the photo.. he then devours whatever it is I'm taking pictures of.

Dear so and so...

2010-04-20T09:08:00.002+01:00

I have seen several Dear so and so blog posts and really didn't want to copy the idea, but I really do need to tell several people what I think... so, I joined the Dear so and so ranks.

Dear Isabelle

Yes I realise you're still only 4 and that school days are long and make you tired, especially when you have a swimming lesson at 4.15 on a Monday. I know you love getting a lollipop out of the big lollipop shaped vending machine on your way back to the car. But this is now becoming a nightmare and it has to stop. Just because the lollipop dispenser didn't realise it was you and threw out a green lollipop does not make it necessary to throw yourself onto the floor in full view of everyone and scream "I hate the green ones, why does it always give me a green one?" and continue to scream and cry. It is not a personal vendetta against you, it is a game of chance. I do realise that you seem to get more green lollipops than any other colour, but that is not my fault. In future this won't happen because I will no longer have any 20p's to put in the machine. This does not however mean that you can scream and throw yourself onto the floor because you can't have a lollipop. If this happens I will continue walking without trying to console, pacify or co-erce you out to the car. I no longer care how many other mums are watching, I will go to the car without you.

Yours

Your pissed off lollipop hating mum xx

Dear surely you can't be old enough to drive, you're only 12, impatient idiot.

The world won't end if you don't get your car out of that side junction onto the main road immediately as you get to the end of the junction. It's not absolutely necessary for you to carry on driving, making me brake hard to stop my car in time to let you out. And absolutely do not wave to thank me with that stupid big grin on your face, you know you were wrong and it scared my daughter.

Yours

Hoping your wheels fall off.

Dear Mr been at work all day and have to get home right now,

It's no good driving right up the arse of my car, I won't go any faster. We are driving in a very built up area and the speed limit is 30mph, which I am doing. There are speed cameras along this road and I do not need a ticket for speeding, so please stop pushing me to go faster. And get off the arse of my car. In fact, I am more liable to slow down to 10mph if you don't get away from my back end. Repeated taps on my breaks still didn't discourage you. I realise you've probably been stuck in an office all day and are in a rush to get home, but you still can't go any faster even if you are in front of me. Hang on for 5 minutes and we get to a stretch of national speed limit road, where I will speed up, as in fact you noticed once we got there. And yes I did pull into the fast lane to stay in front of you on purpose, but again, I was doing the national speed limit and made you stay behind me. I enjoyed that.

Yours

Please get off the arse of my car.

Dear checkout assistant,

It really isn't necessary to scrutinise my shopping as you scan it all and then declare, that's a rather random selection of shopping. I do my main shopping online and have to pick up a 'few bits' from time to time, so the 'random' shopping comprising of a ream of paper, cellotape (both pacify my daughter's creative addiction) some batteries (for the smoke alarm!) milk, birthday card, chilli chocolate (I like to 'treat' my hubby to wierd food), ibuprophen and cat meat were essentials I needed. I don't see anything random about that? It's not even as if I had anything embarassing in that lot. So commenting on how random my shopping was, isn't really necessary and I'd appreciate you sticking to your normal checkout assistant modes of grumpy and not talking or too damned cheerful talking about the weather rather than discuss the contents of my shopping trolley.

Yours

please keep your nose out and keep beeping.

Dear Body

Give me a break please. It's bad enough that I had a cough and cold for 10 days and just when I thought it was done with me, it came back for round two. The same cold, the same wipeout after only two days really wasn't fair. Add to that the lovely monthly cycle (insert sarcasm) which for some reason you decided that hmmmm, lets go for 10 days this month at least. Quit already, I've had enough. And then just as I have the remnants of the cold, and the monthlys, you decide lets go for three in a row.. yes a full wipeout, we'll throw in a fibro flare while we're at it. C'mon now, this is just too much for anyone to take. I can't stand for more than 5 minutes, my back feels like someone is scraping a knife down my spine all the time and laying down doesn't even make it feel better, in fact it feels worse and my shoulders are so painful. I now feel like a total wipeout cripple and it really is getting me down. Are you doing this to test me? If so, I failed, you win, now let the competition be over and let me get back to some sort of normality please.

Yours

very sore and convinced my body is out to get me.

Ahhh, I feel better for that. I do love a good rant.

Things that must be...

2010-04-19T11:33:00.000+01:00

I suppose this is a bit of a Monday Moan.

My hubby says I have OCD. I don't think I do, I just like certain things to be a certain way. Although after I re-read this, I may think myself a bit batty, slightly mad or indeed suffering with OCD.

There are certain things that have to be a certain way in my house otherwise I have to go and correct it. Things like:

1. The curtains. My curtains are tied back each morning, but they have to be symmetrical. If they're not, I'll adjust them until they are.

2. Cerial boxes. You know the plastic bag that holds the cerial, it has to be opened all the way across. Don't half open it, because I always pick the box up, open it and the closed end of the packet is where I need to pour from, every time! So, it has to be open all the way. And if anyone tears the box when they open it so that I can't tuck the little flap back in, it makes me grrrrr.

3. A similar thing with tissue boxes. You know that little oval perforated bit you tear out to get the tissues out, let me open the box, because if anyone else opens it and tears the box when taking out the oval perforated bit, that also makes me grrrrr.

4. Pictures on the wall. If you knock it skew wiff, please straighten it again, it saves me time adjusting it again later.

5. Don't move my ornaments (of which there aren't very many) on the mantle piece, you know I have to have them symmetrical and balanced.. the same height at each end etc. And don't go and move them just to piss me off.

6. The loo roll. It has to be 'over' the roll to tear it off not under. Don't ask me why, it's just one of those things. And I really do have to restrain the compulsion to alter a loo roll at anyone elses house if it's hanging behind the roll.

7. Towels. This is a sad one... They have to be folded exactly in half before being put over the side of the bath. I often find myself re-folding a towel to make it right whilst I'm sat on the loo LOL

These are not overwhelming compulsions that I go mental over if they're not the way I want them, but they do annoy me until they're right. I don't march around issuing orders to everyone to make sure they're done. These are little things that I find myself correcting because it's annoying me.

And while I'm at it, a few things that I do tend to rant about a bit, because these really do get my goat (poor goat).

1. Please don't put your finished dinner plate with food left on it into the bowl of water I've run and got glasses and mugs soaking in before I wash them.

2. Please don't shove stuff in the bin when it's full and leave it hanging out the top of the bin, or spilling on to the floor, empty the bloody thing! (I think I've groaned about this one before, probably several times).

3. Please don't leave the bread bag open when taking a slice out. It makes the rest of it dry. And also, please don't open a fresh loaf when there's a third of a loaf left in the other bag because you think it's softer.

4. Don't moan at me and tell me to 'clear this bloody car out woman' when it's full of your rubbish. Just because it's my car doesn't mean I have to clear up after you. Please remove your own banana skins, empty coke cans, crisp packets etc, because they are what is making my car look like a rubbish tip.

5. One that is really annoying me at the moment!! When you've finished eating your grapes, please put the little empty grape tree's in the bin. I'm getting very tired of picking the little branches out from between the cushions of the sofa and from around the floor where you kicked it when you walked. (dear hubby!!)

OK, I'm done for now. I feel better for that.

Never one to miss an opportunity

2010-04-18T22:24:00.001+01:00

Tara at Sticky Fingers had tagged me in a photography meme.. and me being one who likes to post photographs at any given opportunity, am more than happy to oblige.

My first photograph.

I was never really into photography at all until 2004, when I got a little point and shoot camera. I loved the fact that I could walk around, take photographs, go indoors and upload them onto the computer. I could see them straight away! Amazing! This little camera opened up a creative side to me that had been missing. It meant that I could show others what I could see through my eyes and how I saw the world around me.

As I said, this was my very first photo that I thought "oh wow, look what I can do". It's taken over my garden fence early morning on January 1st 2004. It was actually printed in a photography magazine (my claim to fame) and caused me to get hooked over the next two years and then spend a helluva lot of money on a DSLR and camera kit. Although comparative to what can be spent on camera gear, I've been very low budget.

I am very lucky in that I do get some spectacular sunrises over the garden fence and I can often be seen during the early hours of a winter morning, wandering around in my dressing gown, freezing my bits off, camera in hand, to get a sunrise shot LOL If you want to see some of them CLICK HERE.

So now I get to pass this on to 5 other people. Hmmm, it might be difficult because I don't know many people in the blogging world, but here's what you have to do:

1. Open the first/oldest photo folder in your computer library
2. Scroll to the 10th photo
3. Post the photo and the story behind it. Tag 5 or more people to continue the thread.

The Compulsive Worrier I KNOW she has some wonderful photographs

Clinically Fed Up who I've only just discovered but she loves her photography too.

Kellogsville again, only just discovered this blog, but she likes her piccies too

Mum's gone to... I'm sure with all her travels, she must have some lovely photos

In fact, if you want to join in, feel free. You don't need to be nominated specifically, if you fancy it.. get posting.

How do I deal with.....

2010-04-16T09:54:00.000+01:00

.... a very inquisitive 4 year old?

Heather from Notes from Lapland got me thinking this morning when she wrote about her little one asking what is heaven? I've had the same discussion with Isabelle and she seemed sort of satisfied with the answer I gave her.

Isabelle spends her life asking questions and I don't mean general run of the mill 4 year old questions, I mean really difficult questions that I'm finding I can't answer, or not at a level a 4 year old would understand. However, I'm finding more and more that if I forget she's 4 and give an answer, she will go along with it, asking relevant questions until she gets an answer that satisfies her.

She does have an above average (for her age) comprehension of things, and google is becoming my best friend. I have to tell her, I don't know, but shall we check on the computer to find out? I dare say, that we've done it so many times now, she could google it for herself and read the answers these days.

My other two kids were curious and inquisitive but nowhere near this level. My hubby is academically very intelligent. I'm intelligent(ish) and I know more than my hubby in a world wide sence. I know a robin from a blue tit and a daffodil from a rose. I can tell her breeds of birds and animals, and species of flowers and plants etc. But I really have no idea what pluto is made of and how many rings saturn has, and why does saturn have ice and rocks floating in the rings, and will they be able to build a rocket that will get through the rings of saturn so that she can go to visit, although she'd have to 'wrap up very warm, because it is so cold there. (saturn is her favourite planet apparently) or which order the planets are from the sun. She has a fascination with the solar system and I know bugger all about it. But it doesn't end there.

The latest question which has been asked repeatedly is where did she come from? Now I know we all get asked this by our kids, but she's still only 4. The fairies brought you didn't work, and neither did I got you off the shelf in Asda, although she did like the thought of being bought from Asda and she asked how I decided to choose her from all the rows of babies.. but she kept asking, how did I get in your tummy? how did I get out again? Why did you put me in your tummy to grow, that was a bit silly. Why did I grow last? (she's a third child). Why did I choose Eve to grow first and not her, she wanted to be born first. Did she like being in my tummy with Eve and Russ all cosy together? it went on.. I answered as jovially as I could, but she was serious. She's 4!! eek. So I explained about seeds growing into babies, to which she laughed and asked did I have to water her and give her some sunshine (awww bless) but then she wanted to know how she got out. And she wouldn't be fobbed off with I went to the hospital and the nurses gave you to me.. she needed to know where from. So I ended up telling her from a special place ... (where?) down here (points) ewwww that's disgusting (well yes actually it was but that's beside the point).. and then she says.. 'can I see where?' Mark runs into his garage at this point (we were in the garden) and dies laughing to himself, I can almost hear him rolling around the floor.. and I'm afraid to say I lied.. I told her it's only there when you're having a baby. Oh, she said, ok. Now I'm worried. One of her teachers is having a baby... what if she goes and asks her to have a look where the baby comes out? Hmmm, I think I better warn her.

I think it's time to get out the How My Body Works book. I'm sure my other two kids were about 7 when they read it, but this little miss inquisitive just can't stop asking questions. And I think I need to go back to school and get better educated to be able to deal with the barrage of questions that I don't know the answers to.

writing worshop - my first one.

2010-04-15T08:23:00.000+01:00

This is a new one for me. I've seen so many posts from the Writing Workshop set by sleep is for the weak

This week's prompt is Clear out a cupboard you’ve not visited in years.

You might start reading this and think I'm completely barking mad. You're probably right. I have cupboards in my head. (no, please don't look at me like that with such wide eyes). The are obviously metaphorical cupboards. It's the way I visualise my brain to be. I have a nice cosy semi-circular row of cupbards, and they're a nice bright yellow colour. This is where I store everything so that I can open the cupboard doors as and when I need whatever is inside. There is one cupboard that doesn't match the rest. It's a black cupboard right at the back. It sits right in the middle of all the cupboards. This one has chains around it and a huge padlock. This is where everything that I don't want, or can't, deal with stays. This cupboard doesn't get opened. Nasty things live in there. Well, they might not be actually nasty, but the things that upset me are in there.

The thing that takes the most space up in there are the thoughts of my Dad. He certainly wasn't nasty, in fact he was completely the opposite end of the scale, but he died nearly 6 years ago. What does live in this cupboard are my emotions about my dad. The ones I can't control about how much I miss him, about how he's no longer with me to help and adivse me, to guide the way. See, right now, I'm heading towards that cupboard and it's shouting to be opened, the chains are rattling.. open me, open me. But I can't. It's too painful.

Also in this cupboard are my feelings about myself. My lack of self esteem, my low confidence, my dislike of myself. I have to keep that all locked in this cupboard too, because if I open the cupboard all these emotions spill out and then take over and plunge me into a downward spiral of self loathing and depression. The emotions about my dad also tumble out and I start to think about how he's not here anymore, which then adds to the depression, which makes me want to go and hide in my cave and self destruct. So you can see why I can't open this cupboard door. The chains have to stay locked, otherwise I disolve.

I will go and clean the front of the cupboard occasionaly and sometimes some of it's contents spill out, but I have to pick them up and push them back into the cupboard and make sure the chains are tightened so that nothing else spills out.

Occasionally, I think, right.. I'm feeling quite strong right now, I'll go and clean this cupboard out... in fact, I had a counsellor try and help me spring clean the cupboard one time, and that was a disaster. She didn't understand what was in there and she told me to get everything off the shelves of this cupboard and put them all in the bin, clean the cupboard out and paint it yellow to match the others. It didn't work, because everything that was in this cupboard spilled out all over the floor, into the corners of my brain and climbed up the front of the yellow cupboards so that I couldn't see anything but the contents of the black cupboard. So I gathered them all up again, shoved them back in the black cupboard and chained it up tightly.

I haven't opened this cupboard lately, but I know the chains will start rattling and shouting open me.. open me.. once more and they well shout louder and louder the nearer I get to the 6th anniversary of my dad passing away in June. Until then, I'll clean around the cupboard, but keep it firmly locked.