Thursday, September 25

That Demon Called Food

If you've been following my blog a while, or have read back through old posts, you'll know I have issues with food, or rather, it has issues with me.  Food talks to me, or rather, it shouts... it calls my name and then that's when it seems to take over my brain. It removes any iota of common sense or rationalisation, restriction and current awareness. In other words, I binge. I am not conscious that I'm doing it, it just happens. Then when I've eaten everything in the packet and the food is gone, so is the mind block and I then become aware of what has been eaten and in what quantaties. 

I am sometimes aware, and I actually decide to eat most of the packet of whatever, because I choose to. I also sometimes guilt eat. ie, I've eaten 5 out of the orange clubs out of the pack, there's no point leaving the last one in the pack even though I feel sick because a) it would be lonely. b) hubs would notice there's one left and know that I'd eaten the other 5 so I may as well just get rid of the evidence.

It's horrible to be ruled by food. I can't stop thinking about it.. all the time.  Since the age of 16 I have spent most of my life on some sort of diet or ignoring the fact that I was putting weight on again. I am now the biggest I have ever been. I'm 46 and very overweight. I don't mean I'm quite tall and have about three stone to lose.. I have a lot to lose. So much to lose that I can't even think of that many stones without wanting to curl up into a ball and die for letting myself get to this point. But at this point I am, and only I can change that. So that's what I'm doing. But this time it's different and to be perfectly honest, it's a bit weird.

As I said, over the years I've done every diet going. weight watchers, slimming world, the cabbage diet, the soup diet, the egg diet, slim fast etc etc.. the only one I was ever successful at was Slimming World. The problem I have with going to a slimming club is that I hate all the rigmarole that goes along with it. The getting weighed, waiting for everyone else to get weighed. We all talk about how good/bad we've been. Her three seats up says 'I've no idea how I've lost 6 pounds this week. I've eaten pizza every day and got pissed as a fart on Friday and Saturday night'. We all want to kill that woman, especially those of us who have stuck to the plan rigidly and haven't lost, or lost half a pound. Don't get me wrong, it helped me at the time, but the way I feel at the moment is that I have to lose weight in such a manner that I don't demonise food (that's Lisa for that term :) ) If I start to outlaw food, I can't stop thinking about it. All the foods I've never liked or eaten before, seem to look appetising for no apparent reason. When I'm shopping, all I can see is the food I can't have. If we go out, I see what I can't eat.  So this time, I have to change my eating habits myself, not in a controlled 'here's your book and stick to the plan' diet. I need to change my diet rather than go on one (haha see what I did there? lol)

So.. I got weighed this morning and I have lost 4 pounds in 10 days. I'm really pleased because I'm NOT on a diet. I am eating healthily. I am making the right choices when it comes to food. Nothing is banned from my eating healthily, but I do have to make the right choices. Choose to have a smaller portion rather than fill my plate/dish/bowl to the brim. I can have pavlova if I like, but choose to have a smaller piece. I don't need to eat a third of it in one go after I've drowned it in cream. It's not necessary to do that. That's just being greedy. And that's what I have been all my life. Greedy. I eat to excess, but so did my family. We were brought up that way. Eat it all up. There's some pudding when you're done.  It's not worth leaving one portion in the trifle dish, does anyone want to finish it? I've spent a lifetime of finishing the trifle lol. 

I am currently choosing to eat either porridge or sultana bran for breakfast. some sort of sandwich (ham, salad etc) and some low end of the calorie scale crisps (wotsits or quavers) and then generally some meat and loads of veg for dinner with gravy. I might or might not have a muller lite banana custard yogurt after, but I might not. I've not been snacking, but that's probably due to novelty of determination to lose weight, but in all honesty, I've not needed to.

My brain is struggling with this a bit. It's confused. Afterall, how can you lose weight if you're not on a diet? The other thing I'm struggling with a bit is if it's 12 o'clock and I'm hungry, I tried to postpone eating until later. Why do I do that? Well, it doesn't seem long since I had breakfast, why would I need to eat again so soon? But I obviously do. That's the way my body works obviously. So I've eaten lunch at just after 12 o'clock and then I've not been hungry again until dinner time when I'm hungry and ready for my dinner, but not so hungry that I'm in a bad mood or bad tempered. 

It is also helping that I've been crocheting. For 30 years I've been promising to crochet myself a blanket. I've made a start on one over the years and pulled it back.. started, pulled it back.. and so on. Well, I finally finished it yesterday!!! yes, a whole large blanket, big enough for me to snuggle under on the sofa on a dreary Sunday afternoon in winter watching a crappy film. I'm so pleased with it, except for one thing. My daughter and the kitten moved into my new blankey within two minutes of me casting it off :( 

TTFN xxxx

Tuesday, September 23

How Long??

Really? Two and a half years since I last wrote a blog post? OMG! I feel the need to start anew. I'm finally about to sort myself out. By that, I mean my weight (I know I keep saying it, but really this time.) My head is in quite a good place. I don't hate myself anymore, in fact, I'm actually quite a nice person lol. My marriage is still good (after 15 years together) but by god he's taken some training lol. Generally life is good, so it really is time I focused on myself and did good for me, instead of doing for everyone else.

I have my little kitty... he's such a headcase and I hadn't realised just how much I'd missed having a cat around. I'm just not a dog person. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, but I'm not a dog owner. I think I'm going to become a mad cat lady. I pick up my kitty and lay him in the crook of my arm and talk to him while I stroke his fluffy tummy and he looks right into my eyes like he understands everything I say to him. He's probably plotting his next evil adventure to be honest, but I like to think he loves me, even though I know I am his slave and at his beck and call... but we're good with that.

awwww look......

Isn't he just so cute.... 

I'm feeling pretty good about life at the moment. I've been seeing a new doctor and she's brilliant. I've seen her three times in two weeks to get rid of the backlog of aches and pains lol She's helping me with my weight problems, she's given me a diagnosis for my back (sprained muscles), she's given me a diagnosis for this 9 month old cough,  Laryingial something or other.. but she's given me treatment for it and this morning at my latest visit about my shoulder she's diagnosed Rotator Cuff Impingement Syndrome... basically it means my shoulder/arm won't move properly, it gets stuck in certain positions. So I need it x-raying to see what damage there is and the treatment necessary, and also physio on it. Not sure how the physio is going to work when my arm won't move in certain positions, but hey ho... I'll give it a go... haha, it rhymes lol. sorry.. 

Anyway, I intend to keep the blog up to date from now on, so if anyone has stumbled across it and had a read, you're welcome to come back another time. 

I'm off to crochet some more of my blanket. This is the blanket I've been promising to crochet for myself for round about 30 years and never got around to. Well.. it's nearly finished lol