Thursday, June 17

She...



She's lost in a world of self doubt and confusion, and she really doesn't know why. She has no real reason to have such low self esteem. She has a good life, a wonderful family, she has so much love from her children, yet she still doubts. Why? this is the question that's always on her mind. She's not a bad person. She always puts others before herself. This is one of her faults. She doesn't matter. As long as everyone else is ok, she's happy. But she's not really. 

She craves attention but won't ask for it. She exists. She doesn't know how to speak her mind or talk about her feelings to the one person she wants to listen, to really listen. She's tried.. but it never works. She's not important enough. There are always other things more important than she is.

She's a master of disguise. She always looks so sunny and smiley and cheerful. She's sad inside. She's sad because she doesn't know how to be herself. She wears the mask needed at the time. Wife, mother, carer, lover. She listens and watches, but who listens to and watches her?

She wonders who the real self is. But it's hidden. It's been hidden for many many years. Too many to count on one hand, or two, three or four hands. This is the cause of confusion. She's had to be somebody else for so long, the real person is hidden too deep. She doesn't know who she is anymore, and she doesn't know how to find that person. Maybe this is the person she is meant to be but can't accept it. Maybe she should. But I don't think that she is happy with the person she is. She wants to be more, she wants to be something, something in her own right, not just a person because of those she loves. 

She keeps searching, and will probably keep searching for many years to come.

She's confused
She's a little bit lost
She's sad, yet happy

She is me. 

This was written taking the promt 'She' for Josies writing workshop.

12 comments:

  1. Annie, this is beautiful writing. 'She' sounds lovely and caring and thoughtful and kind. I had postnatal depression after I had my little boy and felt just like you describe - always with a mask on, smiling, playing a role of mother, wife, employee, friend - no-one had any idea how low I was. It's important to share how you're really feeling - on your blog is a good place to start as no-one judges you but it's also good to talk to those who love you - ask your other half to read this. I bet he has no idea how you're feeling.

    To help me get better last year I gave myself an hour a week to do what I enjoyed - at the time this was gardening, it's now evolved to include sewing, blogging (of course) and generally being creative. I find the crafting (and gardening) rewarding and can immerse myself completely in it and forget the woes of home and work! Maybe you could try something similar? Could you spare an hour a week to do what you fancy?

    Thank you for sharing your writing and for being so honest - I've only just discovered the writing workshop but am excited about getting involved. Hugs, Lucy xox

    PS I've just re-read what I've written and I'm not saying you've got depression! I just relate to how you describe 'she' so thought I'd share my experience a bit - take care, L x

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  2. Annie, this is beautiful writing. 'She' sounds lovely and caring and thoughtful and kind. I had postnatal depression after I had my little boy and felt just like you describe - always with a mask on, smiling, playing a role of mother, wife, employee, friend - no-one had any idea how low I was. It's important to share how you're really feeling - on your blog is a good place to start as no-one judges you but it's also good to talk to those who love you - ask your other half to read this. I bet he has no idea how you're feeling.

    To help me get better last year I gave myself an hour a week to do what I enjoyed - at the time this was gardening, it's now evolved to include sewing, blogging (of course) and generally being creative. I find the crafting (and gardening) rewarding and can immerse myself completely in it and forget the woes of home and work! Maybe you could try something similar? Could you spare an hour a week to do what you fancy?

    Thank you for sharing your writing and for being so honest - I've only just discovered the writing workshop but am excited about getting involved. Hugs, Lucy xox

    PS I've just re-read what I've written and I'm not saying you've got depression! I just relate to how you describe 'she' so thought I'd share my experience a bit - take care, L x

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  3. Lucy, Thank you for taking the time to read my post and write such a lovely reply. Really kind words, and I do definately get where you are coming from.

    I have suffered with depression on and off for 20 years (and I'm only 41 lol) and I'm not at the point of going to the drs depression, I think I just feel a bit down in the dumps. I do try to tell hubby how I feel but he has blinkers on. I'm not a motorbike or ebay otherwise I'd have his full attention LOL. I don't think it helps matters that I don't have a reason for feeling the way I do.. it's just sort of there, if you know what I mean.

    I do love crafting, I just get lazy about it. i try one thing then move on to the next thing and try that. It seems like I'm continually searching for something to occupy myself with, but nothing that hits the button.. apart from my photography and even that's been lacking somewhat lately.

    It's the inner me I need to deal with I think, and I'm really not sure where to start with that. I do think the writing workshops are starting to drag stuff out of me that I keep locked away. Maybe writing is the thing I need to concentrate on?

    Thanks again so much for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate it. Now.. do decide what to spend an hour doing tomorrow that is completely away from the norm.

    Thanks xx

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  4. themadhouse4:58 PM

    I really feel this post, I too am many of the above and more. I am finding just being hard too at the moment. I am thinking of you

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  5. it's crappy isn't it? Thinking of you too :)

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  6. scribblingmum9:49 PM

    She is me. That is my favourite line. I'm a master of disguise too, maybe all us Mums are, too busy worrying about everyone but ourselves. Great post.

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  7. She feels like me, too. You got inside my head tonight!

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  8. Fantastic writing. I know that feeling, it's so important to "find yourself". I know it sounds like such a cliché but it really is true. Take some time out and go searching for the real you.

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  9. Fabulous post! It rings so true, I see myself in so much of it. We're an odd bunch, us women, aren't we?

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  10. maybe we can sit and grumble together inside your head and put the world to rights LOL hugs to you xx

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  11. I think I'm going to write to try and find myself. It's not going to be easy, and finding the starting point is the hardest... I'll get there :)

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  12. It's no wonder blokes don't undersand us LOL. So many people have said to relate to this post.. it's amazing how many

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